Halfway There

I rarely watch the Superbowl, but I do often watch the halftime show.  I am always amazed at what a big deal they make at halftime.

Well, here I am at the halfway point in my weight loss, lifestyle journey.  And I guess I was expecting more.

Since last August I have been using www.sparkpeople.com to help me on this journey.  One thing it encourages is to set goals, especially short term goals along the way.  I have not been good at doing this.  I think I have done myself a disservice by not having set some achievable goals to look back on and document what I have accomplished so far.

Now I have reached the halfway point and I am feeling disappointed.  The reasons for my disappointment are many.

For one thing, I am looking at my long term goals and not seeing as much progress as I would like to see by this point.  I want to get off some of my medications, specifically some of my blood pressure medicines and the Niaspan (for too low of good cholesterol).  Yet when I see my doctor, my BP, though lower than it has been, is still too high to consider taking away any medications.

I am told that weight loss should improve my sleep apnea, and eventually cure it.  I see no progress in that either - it is still just as bad as when I was first tested.

My most important goal is to have no back pain, to be able to walk and stand without excruciating pain.  Although I can walk a little further and stand a bit longer, I was hoping having lost this much weight I would see a lot more progress and a lot less pain.  But it is not the case.

I am further disappointed because since the end of March, I have only lost 10 pounds, and five of those was in a two week period a month ago.  I continue to stay within my calorie and nutritional ranges.  I am working harder than ever at the gym.  I see a personal trainer twice a week, once with a friend and once alone, to work on my back and abs.  

My dietitian has tried everything she knows to get me losing again and nothing is helping.  The latest plan is to skip the gym twice a week.  

John and I had plans to go away this coming week, but I just did not feel like it.  Having to eat out every meal, not knowing how I would get exercise in, and not losing weight for so long, I just could not face it.

Part of the disappointment is because knowing I have as much to lose as I have already lost, and coming to a standstill is confusing and frustrating, as well as scary.  I have been working so hard and getting nowhere - what is it going to take to lose the rest of this weight?

Everyone has their own ideas about what it will take - eat more, eat less, exercise more, exercise less, more carbs, less carbs, more fat, less fat - but what will it mean for me?

In my mind, I know I have done a good job so far.  I am wearing smaller sized clothes, I am more active, I can breathe better, I have a lap, I can play with Zack better, I am eating healthier.  My dietitian pointed out that I have added years to my life.  All of that is positive and wonderful.  Unfortunately I cannot get past the slow progress on my long term goals.  I am hoping once I get losing again, I will be able to get past this.

When I lose 3 1/2 more pounds I will be at the 100 pounds lost point.  I had set a goal to lose this by my birthday, 2009.  Since that is a little less than 2 months away, I sure hope I can make it.  

My plan is to keep on doing what I am doing, to make short term goals to celebrate along the way, to continue to work on my long term goals and to not give up the fight!  Can I do it?  Can I make it to the goal?  YES I CAN!