I have been quiet this week. There are a couple of reasons for this. In my last blog I opened up and poured out my heart. That was not easy. With the exception of a friend from Spark People, whom I have never met, there was no response. So I have not been brave enough to continue with that.
In addition, I have been fighting off a cold all week. With my weak lungs, I am extremely susceptible to germs and infection. So I have been getting plenty of rest, taking lots of extra Vitamin C and drinking lots of water. Apparently it did not do the trick.
I just returned from yet another visit to the doctor. I have bronchitis, extreme congestion in my chest and must return in a week to be checked again. At least my BP was good - 124/74.
On the way home I paid my second visit to CVS this week to pick up prescriptions - an antibiotic and an inhaler, both of which were free.
Needless to say I was feeling down and discouraged. The doctor said because of my respiratory weakness I really need to stay away from crowds.
Listening to my ipod on the way home, God lifted me once again. Dennis Jernigan's "If I Could Sit With You A While" played and brought tears to my already watery eyes.
"When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by
When I know I've sinned and I should have been
Crying out, "My God," and hidden in You
Lord, I need You now more than I know how
And so I humbly bow, hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by "
By Dennis Jernigan; ©1992 Shepherd's Heart Music
It mirrored my feelings so well. If I could just sit with Jesus a while and if He could just hold me, though I am sick and discouraged, I need Him to hold me.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Defining Moments (Part One)
Not that I am a big fan of his, but Dr. Phil talks about defining moments in our lives. These are usually events involving someone who is important to us. What this person says or does impacts us in such a way that it defines or changes us.
When I was twelve years old, I accepted Jesus and was going to be baptized. My father, who was a quiet man of few words, used to drive us to church, but never stayed. That Sunday I wanted him there so much. I asked him, I even wrote him a letter pouring my heart out why it was so important to me and why I wanted him there. But he did not come. The message I got was I was just not important or worth it.
Soon thereafter, I got my report card. I had all A's and one B. His comment (probably in jest, but it did not come across to me that way) "What are you so stupid you cannot get all A's?" The message I got was I am stupid.
Being the oldest of five children, there was not a lot of money. My father at one time worked three jobs to make ends meet. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs. When we actually got something new, it was a treasure. I was in my teens when I got a new purple dress. It was my favorite color and I loved it. Unfortunately, one laundry day, it went into the dryer and shrunk. When I put it on, it was too tight and short. My father's comment was "If you weren't so fat (which at the time , hard to believe, but I was not), the dress would fit." The message I got was I am fat.
Those defining moments have affected me from those moments on. I have struggled with feeling unloved and unimportant. Feeling like no one really cares about me. That no matter how well I do or what I accomplish it is never good enough. That as long as people think I am fat, I may as well get that way. My self esteem plummeted. I just am not worth it.
Now I know Jesus loves me. And I love Him with all my heart. The reason I came to Him was because of His unconditional love. Through inner healing I have come to realize that God, my Heavenly Father was always with me, even when my earthly father disappointed me. My earthly father was human, and I have come to know that he did the best he could at being my father and did love me in his own way.
God sent me a wonderful, loving husband who has helped me overcome many of my feelings of unworthiness and unloveableness. My children and grandchild heal me from that too.
The final struggle I am trying to overcome is the being fat. As I am changing my eating habits and making healthy lifestyle choices, I am losing weight. But I wonder, will I still see a fat person when I look in the mirror? Even if the outside is not as fat, will I still be fat inside?
What an impact words from someone important in our lives can have, if we let them.
When I was twelve years old, I accepted Jesus and was going to be baptized. My father, who was a quiet man of few words, used to drive us to church, but never stayed. That Sunday I wanted him there so much. I asked him, I even wrote him a letter pouring my heart out why it was so important to me and why I wanted him there. But he did not come. The message I got was I was just not important or worth it.
Soon thereafter, I got my report card. I had all A's and one B. His comment (probably in jest, but it did not come across to me that way) "What are you so stupid you cannot get all A's?" The message I got was I am stupid.
Being the oldest of five children, there was not a lot of money. My father at one time worked three jobs to make ends meet. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs. When we actually got something new, it was a treasure. I was in my teens when I got a new purple dress. It was my favorite color and I loved it. Unfortunately, one laundry day, it went into the dryer and shrunk. When I put it on, it was too tight and short. My father's comment was "If you weren't so fat (which at the time , hard to believe, but I was not), the dress would fit." The message I got was I am fat.
Those defining moments have affected me from those moments on. I have struggled with feeling unloved and unimportant. Feeling like no one really cares about me. That no matter how well I do or what I accomplish it is never good enough. That as long as people think I am fat, I may as well get that way. My self esteem plummeted. I just am not worth it.
Now I know Jesus loves me. And I love Him with all my heart. The reason I came to Him was because of His unconditional love. Through inner healing I have come to realize that God, my Heavenly Father was always with me, even when my earthly father disappointed me. My earthly father was human, and I have come to know that he did the best he could at being my father and did love me in his own way.
God sent me a wonderful, loving husband who has helped me overcome many of my feelings of unworthiness and unloveableness. My children and grandchild heal me from that too.
The final struggle I am trying to overcome is the being fat. As I am changing my eating habits and making healthy lifestyle choices, I am losing weight. But I wonder, will I still see a fat person when I look in the mirror? Even if the outside is not as fat, will I still be fat inside?
What an impact words from someone important in our lives can have, if we let them.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
TB or not TB - that is the question?
TB test have changed since I last got one. I used to get one every year when I was teaching. Then it looked like a small rubber stamp with four little prongs that were poked into the underside of my arm. After two days if there was no rash or swelling, I was good for another year.
This week I had a TB test. The nurse used a needle, which she inserted under the skin of the underside of my arm, between the wrist and elbow. When she pressed the needle, the skin on my arm where it was inserted blew up like a balloon. It started to bleed a little so she gave me a band aid and told me not to leave it on more than ten minutes, as the test area needed to "breathe". I was told to come back in two days to have it read.
That night and the next day the area looked like a bruise.
When I returned to the doctor's office on Friday, the first nurse who looked at it and ran her hand over it looked confused. She told me to wait. A second nurse came to look at it and run her hand over it. Although she looked a little concerned, she finally told me it was just bruised and not a positive result. She said she would fax the result to the pulmonary doctor who ordered the test.
The spot is still purple looking today. I guess like any bruise it will fade gradually. And for a moment there I was wondering TB or not TB.
This week I had a TB test. The nurse used a needle, which she inserted under the skin of the underside of my arm, between the wrist and elbow. When she pressed the needle, the skin on my arm where it was inserted blew up like a balloon. It started to bleed a little so she gave me a band aid and told me not to leave it on more than ten minutes, as the test area needed to "breathe". I was told to come back in two days to have it read.
That night and the next day the area looked like a bruise.
When I returned to the doctor's office on Friday, the first nurse who looked at it and ran her hand over it looked confused. She told me to wait. A second nurse came to look at it and run her hand over it. Although she looked a little concerned, she finally told me it was just bruised and not a positive result. She said she would fax the result to the pulmonary doctor who ordered the test.
The spot is still purple looking today. I guess like any bruise it will fade gradually. And for a moment there I was wondering TB or not TB.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Riding Your Own Donkey
In July, 2007 Pastor Dan Scott preached a sermon by this title at Christ Church Nashville. I was in the congregation that day. It had an impact on me. For some reason it has been on my mind again lately, so I thought I would share some thoughts about it today.
In Numbers 20 we find the account of Balaam, his donkey and the King of Moab. Balaam is a prophet of God who is asked by the king of Moab to curse the Israelites. I always wonder why Balaam even considered this proposition from the king, but I guess, being human, when monetary gain is involved, we tend to lose perspective. In the end, Balaam's donkey, who seems to be better in tune spiritually than Balaam, brings him to his senses.
Pastor Dan remarks that in the Bible the donkey represents human nature. Unless and until we learn to tame that human nature (which gets twisted by sin), we cannot get where we need to go and will end up going the wrong way.
The Bible gives us this silly picture of Balaam and his donkey to show us how foolish we look to God when we allow our donkey (human nature) to take control of our lives.
The scripture basis of the sermon was 2 Timothy 2:1-7. In Pastor Dan's words, "Paul is saying to Timothy, “Ride your own donkey. Stay focused. Stay with it until you see it through. Don’t let others ride your donkey and don’t allow your donkey to ride you.” He says this is one of the most important lessons we need to learn. The remainder of the sermon focuses on three points of learning how to ride your own donkey:
1. Understand who you are (Knowing yourself is about knowing where, when and how you must work in order to do what God has called you to do. You have to ride your own donkey instead of trying to ride someone else’s donkey. David would not have killed Goliath had he chosen to wear Saul’s armor. )
2. Understand what you are to do (Vocation vs Occupation)
3. Understand what you are to become (If we are to do anything significant in life, we cannot refuse those moments in which we are called to declare ourselves. We must consciously take on the roles we believe we are called to perform)
(If anyone is interested enough I have an audio and text copy of the entire message)
Shortly after I heard this sermon, I had the opportunity to share it with two people. One was a mother of three young boys who had been very active in their Christian school, which had just closed down. They were now going to a school where her active involvement was not an option. She felt like she had lost her purpose. After sharing this with her, she felt empowered to "ride her own donkey" to pursue activities she loved, her vocation, as it were.
I also shared it with a Regent University student who was struggling with the direction of her life. After hearing this, she had a renewed enthusiasm that she was going in the right direction, riding her own donkey.
Again I ask myself why is this message coming to mind at this time in my life? Maybe because I have been too focused on my own medical issues, that I have not been riding my own donkey. But somehow I do not think that is the case. Because what is exciting and empowering to me about my faith is to encourage others. My situation has allowed me to do that again in a more powerful way. I think I have more compassion and empathy because of what I have been through.
There were times in my life, I did not ride my own donkey - I was too busy trying to please others and perhaps riding their donkeys. But not anymore.
Are you riding your own donkey?
In Numbers 20 we find the account of Balaam, his donkey and the King of Moab. Balaam is a prophet of God who is asked by the king of Moab to curse the Israelites. I always wonder why Balaam even considered this proposition from the king, but I guess, being human, when monetary gain is involved, we tend to lose perspective. In the end, Balaam's donkey, who seems to be better in tune spiritually than Balaam, brings him to his senses.
Pastor Dan remarks that in the Bible the donkey represents human nature. Unless and until we learn to tame that human nature (which gets twisted by sin), we cannot get where we need to go and will end up going the wrong way.
The Bible gives us this silly picture of Balaam and his donkey to show us how foolish we look to God when we allow our donkey (human nature) to take control of our lives.
The scripture basis of the sermon was 2 Timothy 2:1-7. In Pastor Dan's words, "Paul is saying to Timothy, “Ride your own donkey. Stay focused. Stay with it until you see it through. Don’t let others ride your donkey and don’t allow your donkey to ride you.” He says this is one of the most important lessons we need to learn. The remainder of the sermon focuses on three points of learning how to ride your own donkey:
1. Understand who you are (Knowing yourself is about knowing where, when and how you must work in order to do what God has called you to do. You have to ride your own donkey instead of trying to ride someone else’s donkey. David would not have killed Goliath had he chosen to wear Saul’s armor. )
2. Understand what you are to do (Vocation vs Occupation)
3. Understand what you are to become (If we are to do anything significant in life, we cannot refuse those moments in which we are called to declare ourselves. We must consciously take on the roles we believe we are called to perform)
(If anyone is interested enough I have an audio and text copy of the entire message)
Shortly after I heard this sermon, I had the opportunity to share it with two people. One was a mother of three young boys who had been very active in their Christian school, which had just closed down. They were now going to a school where her active involvement was not an option. She felt like she had lost her purpose. After sharing this with her, she felt empowered to "ride her own donkey" to pursue activities she loved, her vocation, as it were.
I also shared it with a Regent University student who was struggling with the direction of her life. After hearing this, she had a renewed enthusiasm that she was going in the right direction, riding her own donkey.
Again I ask myself why is this message coming to mind at this time in my life? Maybe because I have been too focused on my own medical issues, that I have not been riding my own donkey. But somehow I do not think that is the case. Because what is exciting and empowering to me about my faith is to encourage others. My situation has allowed me to do that again in a more powerful way. I think I have more compassion and empathy because of what I have been through.
There were times in my life, I did not ride my own donkey - I was too busy trying to please others and perhaps riding their donkeys. But not anymore.
Are you riding your own donkey?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Medical News
Good news: I am 6 pounds lighter.
Bad news: My dietician is changing locations and I will be seeing someone new from now on. She has helped me so much I hate to see her go.
Bad news: My blood pressure was higher than it has ever been when they checked it at the doctor's office this afternoon. I know it was nerves about what the doctor was going to diagnose.
Bad news: I have granulomotous disease in my lungs and spleen. There is inflammation and residual infection. The doctor kept asking me if I ever smoked or had tuberculosis. (No, no)
Good news: My lungs sounded clear today.
Bad news: I had to go have a TB test done at my family doctor's. (I have to go back for the results on Friday)
Good news: There is nothing to be done right now. I have to have another CT scan in three months and go back to the pulmonary doctor afterwards.
If the TB test is normal, then I can go have the breathing test my sleep doctor prescribed back in August when all of this started.
On the way to and from the doctor I was listening to my ipod in the car. I selected my Don Moen playlist. "I am the God That Healeth Thee" played on both trips - two different versions. Between the words of the songs and the prayers Don prayed, I knew in my heart that God has it all in control.
Bad news: My dietician is changing locations and I will be seeing someone new from now on. She has helped me so much I hate to see her go.
Bad news: My blood pressure was higher than it has ever been when they checked it at the doctor's office this afternoon. I know it was nerves about what the doctor was going to diagnose.
Bad news: I have granulomotous disease in my lungs and spleen. There is inflammation and residual infection. The doctor kept asking me if I ever smoked or had tuberculosis. (No, no)
Good news: My lungs sounded clear today.
Bad news: I had to go have a TB test done at my family doctor's. (I have to go back for the results on Friday)
Good news: There is nothing to be done right now. I have to have another CT scan in three months and go back to the pulmonary doctor afterwards.
If the TB test is normal, then I can go have the breathing test my sleep doctor prescribed back in August when all of this started.
On the way to and from the doctor I was listening to my ipod in the car. I selected my Don Moen playlist. "I am the God That Healeth Thee" played on both trips - two different versions. Between the words of the songs and the prayers Don prayed, I knew in my heart that God has it all in control.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thoughts on Tomorrow
I am just sitting here thinking about tomorrow. At noon I see my dietician for a weigh in and pep talk. Last time we met three weeks ago, she cut back all of my nutritional numbers and I have been hungry for three weeks. I am not sure if it is all in my head from knowing I am eating less or if it is actually hunger. But I have stayed on track by planning my meals and snacks and sticking to my plan. I just don't know what the scale is going to say. I feel like the tortoise in the story the tortoise and the hare - slow but steady. Most times I wish the pounds would come off faster, but I know they did not appear instantly and so it will take time to shed them. I also know from past yo-yo experiences, that if the weight comes off slowly, the chances are greater it will stay off. But most of all I know I am eating healthy now and my goal is to regain health.
In the afternoon I see the pulmonary doctor about the results of my CT scan. When I made the appointment, the receptionist told me all of their doctors are double booked every day from now until mid December - so who knows how long I will be there. I do and yet I do not want to find out what the doctor has to say, what diagnosis I will be given. The waiting two weeks for the appointment has been rough. Yet I am nervous about the visit. (I hope I will get my pants on right tomorrow).
I have been praying for strength and for healing. I have been alone a lot and used this time to spend with the Lord. I try to keep focused on all of the positives and ways I have been improving over these past months. And one thing I can say is a BIG accomplishment: in the past when I was nervous and upset over something and alone, I would eat as a way to comfort myself. I have overcome that bad habit and I praise God for His help with that. Food is no longer my companion and comfort - I seek the Lord's presence for that now.
So tomorrow brings two unknowns - I'll keep you posted on what I find out.
In the afternoon I see the pulmonary doctor about the results of my CT scan. When I made the appointment, the receptionist told me all of their doctors are double booked every day from now until mid December - so who knows how long I will be there. I do and yet I do not want to find out what the doctor has to say, what diagnosis I will be given. The waiting two weeks for the appointment has been rough. Yet I am nervous about the visit. (I hope I will get my pants on right tomorrow).
I have been praying for strength and for healing. I have been alone a lot and used this time to spend with the Lord. I try to keep focused on all of the positives and ways I have been improving over these past months. And one thing I can say is a BIG accomplishment: in the past when I was nervous and upset over something and alone, I would eat as a way to comfort myself. I have overcome that bad habit and I praise God for His help with that. Food is no longer my companion and comfort - I seek the Lord's presence for that now.
So tomorrow brings two unknowns - I'll keep you posted on what I find out.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A Good Laugh
Proverbs 17:22(KJV) 22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
For the last several months I have had a pretty rough time. I have not found a whole lot to laugh about.Well over a year ago (Probably closer to two), my daughter told me about a show of improvised comedy. It was only on in reruns, but I decided to give it a try. I watched it a few times and it never failed to make me laugh. The sketches were all performed without prior rehearsal by the four comedians. I was hooked. The show is "Whose Line Is It Anyway".
On each show four comedians, three regulars and one guest, improvise situations and they never fail to amuse.
Last fall we went to see two of the men from that show, Brad Sherwood and Colin Mochrie perform live. We enjoyed it so much we saw them again in May and then again last night.
All of their sketches are improvised on the spot, with suggestions from the audience. They ask for weird and uncommon suggestions, which makes it funnier. People from the audience go up on stage and "help". One couple participated in the game "Jeopardy", but Brad and Colin spoke for them, all they had to do was move their lips. During another skit, people from the audience made the sound effects for them.
My favorite was when Brad left the auditorium and Colin got suggestions from the audience about a crime that he was going to get Brad to confess to. Although I cannot remember it exactly it went something like this: While wearing fish-net bat wings and a cheerleader outfit, he performed open-heart surgery on illegal animals and stole Sir Isaac Newton's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from an armpit sniffing mortician's apprentice's wife's house in Playwickie Park, using a turkey juicer. It was Colin's job to give Brad clues through his interrogation which would lead Brad to say the correct words. We laughed so hard as they did this.
The entire evening was hysterical. We laughed until we cried at times.
It did my heart good like medicine. Laughter can help us deal with hard situations. It can lighten our heaviness. It can be healing. I encourage you all to find something to laugh about every day - maybe even yourself sometimes. See how much better you will feel.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Some Things I Have Learned
I have tried to live by the Golden Rule by treating others like I would like to be treated. But I have learned that either others like to be treated inconsiderately, or else they have never learned this rule.
When I first got email I was excited that I could communicate so easily and often with friends and family . I have learned to dread opening my email because for every one personal message I get, I receive 50 jokes, stories, pass-alongs, surveys; and about 50 spams. (Thank goodness for filters).
When I started writing this blog, I did it with the intention of keeping people informed about what is going on with me. It makes it easier than having to repeat over and over or write it again and again. Sometimes my news is upsetting to me and having to constantly remind myself is hard. I have learned that people do not read my blog and that they get insulted when they ask how I am and I ask them to read it.
I have had a lot of health issues during this year. It has been a rough time for me. Instead of me being the one to reach out to others with caring and encouragement all the time, I have needed it myself. I have learned who really cares about me and it is a very small list. I have also had to learn how to be alone most of the time. I have learned to depend more and more on the Lord for my companionship and encouragement.
Earlier this year I began seeing a dietician to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet. I have learned to take control of my eating, to plan all my meals and to stick to the plan.
A lot of people along the way ask, "How are you?" But I have learned that few really want to know or take the time to really listen to the answer.
I used to think of myself as a good communicator. But I have learned that my spoken words are misunderstood more often than not.
Throughout my life there have been those who have hurt me, disliked me and were just downright mean to me. I have been rejected for a whole variety of reasons. I have learned that I am unique. I have learned to be forgiving. I have learned (with a whole lot of prayer) to not internalize those negative feelings. I have learned to be loving to those who are rejected by others. I have learned to love people, but perhaps not their behavior.
There was a time in my life when I would have said I had lots of friends. I have learned that to have one or two true friends is more valuable than gold.
Many days I wake up in pain and my outlook is not that bright. I have learned that God always sends surprises and joyful blessings my way to change my focus from myself. I have learned to reach out and encourage others, when I need it the most myself. I have learned to love and keep on loving, even through the hurt and the disappointment. I am having to learn to care for myself, after years of pouring myself out for others. In some ways it feels selfish, but it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I have learned that I want to regain my health so I can be the person again that God created me to be.
When I first got email I was excited that I could communicate so easily and often with friends and family . I have learned to dread opening my email because for every one personal message I get, I receive 50 jokes, stories, pass-alongs, surveys; and about 50 spams. (Thank goodness for filters).
When I started writing this blog, I did it with the intention of keeping people informed about what is going on with me. It makes it easier than having to repeat over and over or write it again and again. Sometimes my news is upsetting to me and having to constantly remind myself is hard. I have learned that people do not read my blog and that they get insulted when they ask how I am and I ask them to read it.
I have had a lot of health issues during this year. It has been a rough time for me. Instead of me being the one to reach out to others with caring and encouragement all the time, I have needed it myself. I have learned who really cares about me and it is a very small list. I have also had to learn how to be alone most of the time. I have learned to depend more and more on the Lord for my companionship and encouragement.
Earlier this year I began seeing a dietician to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet. I have learned to take control of my eating, to plan all my meals and to stick to the plan.
A lot of people along the way ask, "How are you?" But I have learned that few really want to know or take the time to really listen to the answer.
I used to think of myself as a good communicator. But I have learned that my spoken words are misunderstood more often than not.
Throughout my life there have been those who have hurt me, disliked me and were just downright mean to me. I have been rejected for a whole variety of reasons. I have learned that I am unique. I have learned to be forgiving. I have learned (with a whole lot of prayer) to not internalize those negative feelings. I have learned to be loving to those who are rejected by others. I have learned to love people, but perhaps not their behavior.
There was a time in my life when I would have said I had lots of friends. I have learned that to have one or two true friends is more valuable than gold.
Many days I wake up in pain and my outlook is not that bright. I have learned that God always sends surprises and joyful blessings my way to change my focus from myself. I have learned to reach out and encourage others, when I need it the most myself. I have learned to love and keep on loving, even through the hurt and the disappointment. I am having to learn to care for myself, after years of pouring myself out for others. In some ways it feels selfish, but it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I have learned that I want to regain my health so I can be the person again that God created me to be.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Shack
I recently read an unusual book. It was recommended by Gloria Gaither as a must read, life changing experience. That intrigued me. Gloria Gaither is a deep theological thinker. Such a recommendation from her was huge to me. So I ordered the book, The Shack, by William P Young.
I was not impressed by the first several chapters, I thought them kind of boring and upsetting. But once Mac, the main character, arrives at "the shack", all that changed. His encounters and experiences there gave me pictures for theological mysteries I had never had pictures for before. I saw how God is whoever and whatever we need Him to be in every circumstance of our lives. God is willing to do whatever it takes to have a loving relationship with us.
I saw how when we really learn to let go and trust God, our joy is overflowing and our stress is removed. Mac has an encounter with all of God and his life is never the same again.
This book is fiction. The author originally wrote it to give to his children. But as others read the story, they encouraged him how special it was and to publish it. Many who read it find it hard to believe it is fiction and call the author wanting to speak to Mac.
There are those I know who will not like it. It imagines what some Biblical truths could look like. For me, although I know it is fiction, it gives me a new way to imagine some mysteries I have long wondered about. Some will be offended by the characterizations, but to me they just help me know better who God is. He is Who we need Him to be, a father, a mother, a comforter, a friend, a healer, a savior etc.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind and heart.
I was not impressed by the first several chapters, I thought them kind of boring and upsetting. But once Mac, the main character, arrives at "the shack", all that changed. His encounters and experiences there gave me pictures for theological mysteries I had never had pictures for before. I saw how God is whoever and whatever we need Him to be in every circumstance of our lives. God is willing to do whatever it takes to have a loving relationship with us.
I saw how when we really learn to let go and trust God, our joy is overflowing and our stress is removed. Mac has an encounter with all of God and his life is never the same again.
This book is fiction. The author originally wrote it to give to his children. But as others read the story, they encouraged him how special it was and to publish it. Many who read it find it hard to believe it is fiction and call the author wanting to speak to Mac.
There are those I know who will not like it. It imagines what some Biblical truths could look like. For me, although I know it is fiction, it gives me a new way to imagine some mysteries I have long wondered about. Some will be offended by the characterizations, but to me they just help me know better who God is. He is Who we need Him to be, a father, a mother, a comforter, a friend, a healer, a savior etc.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind and heart.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Where's the Beef?
In September, 2007, upon the recommendation of my NUCCA Upper Cervical chiropractor, I cut out meat and poultry from my diet. He suggested that it would be healthier for me and that I would feel better. I decided to try it for six months and to see how I felt then.
It was not hard for me to do. I love fish and seafood so began eating more of that. Except for eliminating meat and poultry, I did not really change my eating habits.
At the end of six months, I had not lost any weight and discovered that I had a lot of health issues. So I continued to not eat meat and poultry.
In March I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and began using a VPAP II machine at night. Prior to this, I was pretty much hungry all the time. My doctor told me because I was always tired (I probably had not slept well in years), my body was always looking for ways to energize and eating is one of those ways. Once I began using the machine the constant hunger was gone. When my sleep doctor found out I was a vegetarian, he sent me to a dietician/nutritionist to make sure I am eating enough protein.
In June I began with the dietician. I told her from the beginning I did not want a "diet", but to learn how to eat the foods I already eat in the right combinations and amounts. She has helped me make sure I am getting enough protein. I have discovered as whole new world of "meatless" foods like tofu and vegetable protein. I am eating whole grains (which I love) and pretty much have cut out sugar. AND I am losing weight.
I have run into some difficulties. We recently went to a weekend conference where the meals were catered (not in a restaurant), I had signed up for vegetarian meals. Unfortunately most places do not think vegetarians require any type of protein. All I got was vegetables for every meal - no cheese, or nuts, or cottage cheese or yogurt.
For the breakfast buffet I could have scrambled eggs, but nothing else hot. The cereals were all sugar coated and the oatmeal tasted like dishwater. There was some fresh fruit I could eat.
When I go anywhere that there is going to be food of which I will have no choice, I try to bring a "care package" with me that has nuts, dried fruit, fat free salad dressing, a protein bar.
Because of all of my health issues, I am very conscious of getting enough protein. I feel good about having made this choice, which is totally for health reasons. I still prepare the other stuff for my family at times, but they too are learning to eat healthier. And I am hoping that eventually I will have less back pain and lower blood pressure and maybe even get over the sleep apnea.
It was not hard for me to do. I love fish and seafood so began eating more of that. Except for eliminating meat and poultry, I did not really change my eating habits.
At the end of six months, I had not lost any weight and discovered that I had a lot of health issues. So I continued to not eat meat and poultry.
In March I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and began using a VPAP II machine at night. Prior to this, I was pretty much hungry all the time. My doctor told me because I was always tired (I probably had not slept well in years), my body was always looking for ways to energize and eating is one of those ways. Once I began using the machine the constant hunger was gone. When my sleep doctor found out I was a vegetarian, he sent me to a dietician/nutritionist to make sure I am eating enough protein.
In June I began with the dietician. I told her from the beginning I did not want a "diet", but to learn how to eat the foods I already eat in the right combinations and amounts. She has helped me make sure I am getting enough protein. I have discovered as whole new world of "meatless" foods like tofu and vegetable protein. I am eating whole grains (which I love) and pretty much have cut out sugar. AND I am losing weight.
I have run into some difficulties. We recently went to a weekend conference where the meals were catered (not in a restaurant), I had signed up for vegetarian meals. Unfortunately most places do not think vegetarians require any type of protein. All I got was vegetables for every meal - no cheese, or nuts, or cottage cheese or yogurt.
For the breakfast buffet I could have scrambled eggs, but nothing else hot. The cereals were all sugar coated and the oatmeal tasted like dishwater. There was some fresh fruit I could eat.
When I go anywhere that there is going to be food of which I will have no choice, I try to bring a "care package" with me that has nuts, dried fruit, fat free salad dressing, a protein bar.
Because of all of my health issues, I am very conscious of getting enough protein. I feel good about having made this choice, which is totally for health reasons. I still prepare the other stuff for my family at times, but they too are learning to eat healthier. And I am hoping that eventually I will have less back pain and lower blood pressure and maybe even get over the sleep apnea.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Trauma of Transparency
Several years ago I read a great book titled, "The Trauma of Transparency" by J. Grant Howard. I bought it because the title intrigued me. I love the word picture it paints.
At that time, my husband and I were involved as leaders of Marriage Enrichment by Dr. Carl Clarke. ME is all about learning to communicate positively and openly. This book is sub titled "A Biblical Approach to Inter-Personal Communication" and I thought it would help me as a ME group leader.
The past three weeks Pastor Del has been preaching about the "AVC's of relationships" and this book came to mind again. The Trauma of Transparency - it is traumatic to open yourself up to anyone.
I will not bore you with the details of the entire book, but I do want to share a couple of things from it.
God created us to be open and honest with each other and with Him. In Genesis 2, it says (Adam and Eve) were naked and not ashamed. They were comfortable with each other. There were no barriers between them. They still had to get to know each other but they were willing and able to do so.
All went well until...Satan enters.
And with Satan came sin. Now in Genesis 3, they disobey God, their eyes are opened and they want to hide. God continually gives them opportunity to be open and honest with Him. He wants a close, intimate relationship with each of us. But they choose to hide. Sin separates and alienates, we hide from God and we hide from one another.
Further along in Genesis 3, we find the man blaming the woman for dragging him into disobedience. Adam went from hiding to hurling. So now he has not only broken his relationship with God, he is ruining his relationship with others (his wife). We hurl by ridiculing, being sarcastic, cutting people down, nitpicking, and a whole variety of ways. We blame others, we blame God, and even blame ourselves.
So our communication broke down back in the Garden. Now we bottle things up (hide) or let things out in wrong, hurtful ways (hurl).
The remainder of the book helps us through Scripture realise how to communicate properly with God and with others.
Pastor Del's authenticity, vulnerability and credibility fit right in with the points made by this author.
I hope this was not too boring today, but it is what I was thinking about so thought I'd share it.
At that time, my husband and I were involved as leaders of Marriage Enrichment by Dr. Carl Clarke. ME is all about learning to communicate positively and openly. This book is sub titled "A Biblical Approach to Inter-Personal Communication" and I thought it would help me as a ME group leader.
The past three weeks Pastor Del has been preaching about the "AVC's of relationships" and this book came to mind again. The Trauma of Transparency - it is traumatic to open yourself up to anyone.
I will not bore you with the details of the entire book, but I do want to share a couple of things from it.
God created us to be open and honest with each other and with Him. In Genesis 2, it says (Adam and Eve) were naked and not ashamed. They were comfortable with each other. There were no barriers between them. They still had to get to know each other but they were willing and able to do so.
All went well until...Satan enters.
And with Satan came sin. Now in Genesis 3, they disobey God, their eyes are opened and they want to hide. God continually gives them opportunity to be open and honest with Him. He wants a close, intimate relationship with each of us. But they choose to hide. Sin separates and alienates, we hide from God and we hide from one another.
Further along in Genesis 3, we find the man blaming the woman for dragging him into disobedience. Adam went from hiding to hurling. So now he has not only broken his relationship with God, he is ruining his relationship with others (his wife). We hurl by ridiculing, being sarcastic, cutting people down, nitpicking, and a whole variety of ways. We blame others, we blame God, and even blame ourselves.
So our communication broke down back in the Garden. Now we bottle things up (hide) or let things out in wrong, hurtful ways (hurl).
The remainder of the book helps us through Scripture realise how to communicate properly with God and with others.
Pastor Del's authenticity, vulnerability and credibility fit right in with the points made by this author.
I hope this was not too boring today, but it is what I was thinking about so thought I'd share it.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
My Thoughts on Worship
(Disclaimer: The following is entirely my own opinion and preferences. It is not intended to criticize or offend. )
What is worship? For me it is entering God's presence to relate to Him in a personal, intimate way. Worship prepares my heart to hear the preaching of His Word. Although at times, it is corporate (at church), it is still a very individual experience for me. It is a time to praise God, for Who He is and for What He has done. It is a time to open my heart and pour out the love I have for Him.
Over the years I have been in many different types of worship services. I have come to realise that there are certain things that enhance my worship and others that detract from it.
On a personal level, whenever I hear Don Moen sing, I am immediately drawn into the Lord's presence. The Holy Spirit works through Don in such a powerful way that I cannot help but to bask in His presence. I commune with the Lord in a deeply personal way.
Several years ago I attended a church that as soon as my car entered the parking lot, I felt God's presence in a profound way. The entire service I was crying because God was real and moving among His people. From the music to the sermon, I was worshipping a very present Lord. I felt Him all around me, encircling me with His arms. Each time I have been able to go back to that church, I experience the same profound presence of the Lord.
There is no magic formula. I know wherever God's people are, He is in their midst. But sometimes I cannot find Him.
When I worship I am focusing on Jesus. I want to commune with Him. Unfortunately when the worship leader begins to sermonize, it takes the focus off of worshipping the Lord and onto the worship leader. I think it is best to leave the sermons to the Pastor. Allow the Holy Spirit to flow and work. Do not force it.
(On a tangential issue - It also bothers me when the words of the songs are posted but no copyright information is displayed, no credit given to the Christian artists who have written these beautiful songs, and deserve the credit and royalties involved)
Worship is one of the most wonderful ways we have of communicating and relating to Jesus. My desire is for deeper worship, focused entirely on Him, Who is worthy of all of our praise.
What is worship? For me it is entering God's presence to relate to Him in a personal, intimate way. Worship prepares my heart to hear the preaching of His Word. Although at times, it is corporate (at church), it is still a very individual experience for me. It is a time to praise God, for Who He is and for What He has done. It is a time to open my heart and pour out the love I have for Him.
Over the years I have been in many different types of worship services. I have come to realise that there are certain things that enhance my worship and others that detract from it.
On a personal level, whenever I hear Don Moen sing, I am immediately drawn into the Lord's presence. The Holy Spirit works through Don in such a powerful way that I cannot help but to bask in His presence. I commune with the Lord in a deeply personal way.
Several years ago I attended a church that as soon as my car entered the parking lot, I felt God's presence in a profound way. The entire service I was crying because God was real and moving among His people. From the music to the sermon, I was worshipping a very present Lord. I felt Him all around me, encircling me with His arms. Each time I have been able to go back to that church, I experience the same profound presence of the Lord.
There is no magic formula. I know wherever God's people are, He is in their midst. But sometimes I cannot find Him.
When I worship I am focusing on Jesus. I want to commune with Him. Unfortunately when the worship leader begins to sermonize, it takes the focus off of worshipping the Lord and onto the worship leader. I think it is best to leave the sermons to the Pastor. Allow the Holy Spirit to flow and work. Do not force it.
(On a tangential issue - It also bothers me when the words of the songs are posted but no copyright information is displayed, no credit given to the Christian artists who have written these beautiful songs, and deserve the credit and royalties involved)
Worship is one of the most wonderful ways we have of communicating and relating to Jesus. My desire is for deeper worship, focused entirely on Him, Who is worthy of all of our praise.
Friday, October 10, 2008
CT Scan results Part 2 : Good News Bad News and TMI
I just got back from the doctor where I discussed the results of my CT scan.
Good News:
On the way in, I met Pastor Chris. She took the time to pray with me before I went in to the office. God is so good!
My blood pressure was 140/60. (the 140 was from being nervous)
Although I have a hiatal hernia (which means the stomach has moved up higher into the esophagus area), it is small. Since it does not bother me, it requires no treatment.
I have arthritis in the thoracic spine area, along with degeneration, but that does not cause me any discomfort. Apparently this is a common problem.
Bad news:
I have spots and growths, as well as calcification throughout the lungs and abdominal area. (Good news: not cancerous growths) . He asked if I had a lot of lung infections as a child (no) or if I have been exposed to tuberculosis in recent years (not that I am aware of). There was a lot of evidence of "granulomatous disease". (From what I can figure out this has something to do with the immune system and not being able to fight off infections easily)
I must see a pulmonary doctor (October 22nd) to follow up on this and see what is going on and what treatment is in order.
Not good/not bad news:
The nodule in my lung is 8mm in size and need a follow up CT scan in three months to make sure it is stabilized and not growing.
He gave me a flu shot while I was there. I have never had one before.
SO there it is. All the way to the doctor I listened to "When I Hear the Thunder"
All the way home I listened to Crystal River singing "It's A Breeze" - the chorus goes like this:
Whatever it is you're facing that brings you to your knees
It might be a storm to you, but to God
It's a Breeze
God will turn your storm into a breeze
Fear not, He is with you, trust and believe
Never get down on your faith
Just get down on your knees
And God will turn your storm into a breeze."
So I am going to trust and believe ...get down on my knees ...and let God turn this storm into a breeze.
I appreciate your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
Good News:
On the way in, I met Pastor Chris. She took the time to pray with me before I went in to the office. God is so good!
My blood pressure was 140/60. (the 140 was from being nervous)
Although I have a hiatal hernia (which means the stomach has moved up higher into the esophagus area), it is small. Since it does not bother me, it requires no treatment.
I have arthritis in the thoracic spine area, along with degeneration, but that does not cause me any discomfort. Apparently this is a common problem.
Bad news:
I have spots and growths, as well as calcification throughout the lungs and abdominal area. (Good news: not cancerous growths) . He asked if I had a lot of lung infections as a child (no) or if I have been exposed to tuberculosis in recent years (not that I am aware of). There was a lot of evidence of "granulomatous disease". (From what I can figure out this has something to do with the immune system and not being able to fight off infections easily)
I must see a pulmonary doctor (October 22nd) to follow up on this and see what is going on and what treatment is in order.
Not good/not bad news:
The nodule in my lung is 8mm in size and need a follow up CT scan in three months to make sure it is stabilized and not growing.
He gave me a flu shot while I was there. I have never had one before.
SO there it is. All the way to the doctor I listened to "When I Hear the Thunder"
All the way home I listened to Crystal River singing "It's A Breeze" - the chorus goes like this:
Whatever it is you're facing that brings you to your knees
It might be a storm to you, but to God
It's a Breeze
God will turn your storm into a breeze
Fear not, He is with you, trust and believe
Never get down on your faith
Just get down on your knees
And God will turn your storm into a breeze."
So I am going to trust and believe ...get down on my knees ...and let God turn this storm into a breeze.
I appreciate your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
CT scan results - Part 1
The doctor's office just called to report the results of the CT scan. I do not really understand most of it, so I am going to see the doctor tomorrow (Friday) to have him explain what it all means. But in the meantime here is what I was told.
I have a hiatal hernia. I have calcification around my trachea. I have arthritis in my spine. I have growths in many areas including my spleen. It is recommended I have another CT scan in three months to make sure all of the growths are stablized.
There was more, but I just could not take it all in. Nothing was mentioned about the nodule in my lung so I need to ask about that tomorrow.
I have been trying to remain positive. As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, - today I heard the thunder and felt like I was going under. But God remains the anchor of my soul . I pray He will give me the strength to bear whatever I have to hear and deal with tomorrow when I see the doctor.
I have a hiatal hernia. I have calcification around my trachea. I have arthritis in my spine. I have growths in many areas including my spleen. It is recommended I have another CT scan in three months to make sure all of the growths are stablized.
There was more, but I just could not take it all in. Nothing was mentioned about the nodule in my lung so I need to ask about that tomorrow.
I have been trying to remain positive. As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, - today I heard the thunder and felt like I was going under. But God remains the anchor of my soul . I pray He will give me the strength to bear whatever I have to hear and deal with tomorrow when I see the doctor.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
When I hear the Thunder
As I have said before I love music - a variety of kinds. I especially love songs that have a message that touches my heart in some way, that I can relate to what I am going through at the moment. The other day I wrote about Don Moen's "I Will Sing". Today it is a southern gospel song, sung by a group of young guys who are called Crossway. This song has some powerful lyrics.
When I Hear the Thunder
Sometimes at night I cry myself to sleep
After everybody else has gone to bed
Knowing once again I've gotten in too deep
And the waters will soon be above my head
And I beg of you to change the world around me
So tomorrow won't be looking quite so dim
And I awake to the waters deep enough to drown me
But through it all you taught me how to swim
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
There are times I can't help feeling lost
Like a ship drifting on the open sea
And the wind and waves leave me pitched and tossed
And a storm begins to build inside of me
And I beg of you to change the world around me
As fear and faith are fighting for control
Amid the raging waters swirling all around me
You've become the anchor for my soul
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
I can so relate to the line "as fear and faith are fighting for control". This rings so true for me the past few months as I have faced many medical issues. I hang on to my faith, but the fear of the unknown, the fear of awaiting test results, wondering what it all will mean, is a constant struggle.
The chorus just plays over and over in my mind ending with "You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances..." (How many times I have prayed for that) "...but thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Amen to that. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. I am much more able to trust the Lord in my situation, knowing He has my best at heart. That no matter what the medical tests and professionals tell me, He is still the Great Physician, my Healer and My comforter. He has "become the anchor of my soul".
"So when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under,
I remember He's the lifter of my head...thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
When I Hear the Thunder
Sometimes at night I cry myself to sleep
After everybody else has gone to bed
Knowing once again I've gotten in too deep
And the waters will soon be above my head
And I beg of you to change the world around me
So tomorrow won't be looking quite so dim
And I awake to the waters deep enough to drown me
But through it all you taught me how to swim
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
There are times I can't help feeling lost
Like a ship drifting on the open sea
And the wind and waves leave me pitched and tossed
And a storm begins to build inside of me
And I beg of you to change the world around me
As fear and faith are fighting for control
Amid the raging waters swirling all around me
You've become the anchor for my soul
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
I can so relate to the line "as fear and faith are fighting for control". This rings so true for me the past few months as I have faced many medical issues. I hang on to my faith, but the fear of the unknown, the fear of awaiting test results, wondering what it all will mean, is a constant struggle.
The chorus just plays over and over in my mind ending with "You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances..." (How many times I have prayed for that) "...but thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Amen to that. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. I am much more able to trust the Lord in my situation, knowing He has my best at heart. That no matter what the medical tests and professionals tell me, He is still the Great Physician, my Healer and My comforter. He has "become the anchor of my soul".
"So when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under,
I remember He's the lifter of my head...thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thoughts on the CT scan
A week ago Pastor Del wrote about worries in his blog.
I knew he wrote it just for me. I had been worrying over having to have a CT scan of my lungs and worrying about the runaround trying to get it scheduled. He ended his blog with "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. (Proverbs 12:25)"
I was feeling pretty much weighed down. SO I began to speak encouragement to others. It got my mind off of my situation and allowed me to leave it in God's hands.
Today I finally had my CT scan. I arrived at the center, filled out the paperwork and had the use the ladies room. Good thing, too. I was so nervous that when I got dressed I had put my pants on backwards!!! After I finished laughing at myself, and rearranged my clothes, I was taken to the back.
My technician was friendly and upbeat. She explained that I would be lying on my back, with my feet towards the scanner. The scanner looks like a huge tan tire. At this time it was at the end of the table. She explained that she would be inserting an IV into my vein with the contrast liquid.
I asked what I would experience when it entered my body. Although each person is different , she said most people feel heat going through their body and perhaps a sensation of having to go to the bathroom.
I laid on the table, she propped a pillow under my knees. Then the hardest part of the procedure began - trying to find a vein to use for the IV. Having had to fast, not eating or drinking since 10pm last night, I knew this was going to be difficult. She tried my left arm, nothing looked promising. She tried the right arm and thought she had a good vein. After moving all of the equipment over to my right, when she poked the vein, it collapsed. SO it was back to the left. By this time a second technician had arrived, and they were able to insert the IV into my left arm.
I had to raise my arms over my head, then the table began to move toward the scanner. She left the room and the machine did the rest. It told me when to breathe and when to take a breath and hold it. The actual scan took less than three minutes.
I felt relieved that it was finished. I have to confess something here, though. It is hard for me to have these tests done alone. When I am driving there, I am so nervous. When I am sitting in the waiting room alone, I wish someone was there to hold my hand. I have to keep telling myself I am not alone, Jesus is always with me. But like s child once said, sometimes I need Jesus with skin on. Afterwards, I want someone to hug me and give me a smile of encouragement.
Now I must await the results.
I knew he wrote it just for me. I had been worrying over having to have a CT scan of my lungs and worrying about the runaround trying to get it scheduled. He ended his blog with "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. (Proverbs 12:25)"
I was feeling pretty much weighed down. SO I began to speak encouragement to others. It got my mind off of my situation and allowed me to leave it in God's hands.
Today I finally had my CT scan. I arrived at the center, filled out the paperwork and had the use the ladies room. Good thing, too. I was so nervous that when I got dressed I had put my pants on backwards!!! After I finished laughing at myself, and rearranged my clothes, I was taken to the back.
My technician was friendly and upbeat. She explained that I would be lying on my back, with my feet towards the scanner. The scanner looks like a huge tan tire. At this time it was at the end of the table. She explained that she would be inserting an IV into my vein with the contrast liquid.
I asked what I would experience when it entered my body. Although each person is different , she said most people feel heat going through their body and perhaps a sensation of having to go to the bathroom.
I laid on the table, she propped a pillow under my knees. Then the hardest part of the procedure began - trying to find a vein to use for the IV. Having had to fast, not eating or drinking since 10pm last night, I knew this was going to be difficult. She tried my left arm, nothing looked promising. She tried the right arm and thought she had a good vein. After moving all of the equipment over to my right, when she poked the vein, it collapsed. SO it was back to the left. By this time a second technician had arrived, and they were able to insert the IV into my left arm.
I had to raise my arms over my head, then the table began to move toward the scanner. She left the room and the machine did the rest. It told me when to breathe and when to take a breath and hold it. The actual scan took less than three minutes.
I felt relieved that it was finished. I have to confess something here, though. It is hard for me to have these tests done alone. When I am driving there, I am so nervous. When I am sitting in the waiting room alone, I wish someone was there to hold my hand. I have to keep telling myself I am not alone, Jesus is always with me. But like s child once said, sometimes I need Jesus with skin on. Afterwards, I want someone to hug me and give me a smile of encouragement.
Now I must await the results.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Healing Power of Grandchildren
God sure knew what he was doing when he created grandchildren. Until I had a grandson, I never could understand or appreciated the ravings of my friends when it came to their grandchildren. I have now joined the chorus.
Like most parents I love and enjoy my children. Seeing them grow into the wonderful adults they have become has been a joy as well as a responsibility.
But it did not prepare me for what would happen when my grandson was born. Words are inadequate to describe how my heart burst open in a new and precious way.
He just left after spending a couple of days with us. What a tender-hearted, loving child he is. When I hear that little voice saying, "Grammy", my heart melts within me. The simplest things make him happy. We painted with water, put puzzles together, cut out a kite and stuck it to the fan so it would fly, read his little books, and played charades. The house seems lonely now he has gone.
My pain and health issues did not miraculously disappear when he was here - if anything I hurt more from all of the extra activity. But somehow it was easier to bear when those little arms reach out for a hug, and he says "I love you, Grammy."
Like most parents I love and enjoy my children. Seeing them grow into the wonderful adults they have become has been a joy as well as a responsibility.
But it did not prepare me for what would happen when my grandson was born. Words are inadequate to describe how my heart burst open in a new and precious way.
He just left after spending a couple of days with us. What a tender-hearted, loving child he is. When I hear that little voice saying, "Grammy", my heart melts within me. The simplest things make him happy. We painted with water, put puzzles together, cut out a kite and stuck it to the fan so it would fly, read his little books, and played charades. The house seems lonely now he has gone.
My pain and health issues did not miraculously disappear when he was here - if anything I hurt more from all of the extra activity. But somehow it was easier to bear when those little arms reach out for a hug, and he says "I love you, Grammy."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
America's Got Talent
Last night was the finale of this season's America's Got Talent. I think America got it absolutely right this year.
I watched the entire season, suffering through some painfully awful auditions. But from the very first night, I was captured by Neal E Boyd. He touched my heart by his humble beginnings and his passionate singing. Although I am no opera fan, when he sang Nessun Dorma it brought tears to my eyes.
The next day I visited his website and found out that several years before he contracted a serious vocal infection and was told he might never sing again. But here he was competing on AGT.
He made it through the Las Vegas eliminations, to the top 40, then the top 20, then the top 10 to the final 5. Each time he sang, his powerful voice and emotional humility touched my heart.
There are others I liked on this season's AGT. Nuttin But Stringz blew me away with their original compositions and stunning violin work. This is a group I would definitely love to see in concert - talented and entertaining. I liked them best without all of the background videos and circ de soliel acts. Eli Mattson caught my attention at his audition when he sang "Walking in Memphis". His unique voice and heartfelt piano playing are certainly spectacular.
But when it came right down to voting - Neal always had my vote. There is just something special about him.
The judges were sure Nuttin But Stringz would win. I think that certainty was their doom. People figured they were going to win, so why bother to vote for them.
I think of those top three, Neal needed the win the most. Nuttin But Stringz and Eli Mattson will both make it on their own. They have a contemporary style that will promote their success.
Neal's powerful voice needs a strong backing to promote him. His style is not as contemporary, but oozing with talent and heart.
So I think America got it absolutely right making Neal E Boyd the winner of AGT. I can't wait for his first cd to be released.
I watched the entire season, suffering through some painfully awful auditions. But from the very first night, I was captured by Neal E Boyd. He touched my heart by his humble beginnings and his passionate singing. Although I am no opera fan, when he sang Nessun Dorma it brought tears to my eyes.
The next day I visited his website and found out that several years before he contracted a serious vocal infection and was told he might never sing again. But here he was competing on AGT.
He made it through the Las Vegas eliminations, to the top 40, then the top 20, then the top 10 to the final 5. Each time he sang, his powerful voice and emotional humility touched my heart.
There are others I liked on this season's AGT. Nuttin But Stringz blew me away with their original compositions and stunning violin work. This is a group I would definitely love to see in concert - talented and entertaining. I liked them best without all of the background videos and circ de soliel acts. Eli Mattson caught my attention at his audition when he sang "Walking in Memphis". His unique voice and heartfelt piano playing are certainly spectacular.
But when it came right down to voting - Neal always had my vote. There is just something special about him.
The judges were sure Nuttin But Stringz would win. I think that certainty was their doom. People figured they were going to win, so why bother to vote for them.
I think of those top three, Neal needed the win the most. Nuttin But Stringz and Eli Mattson will both make it on their own. They have a contemporary style that will promote their success.
Neal's powerful voice needs a strong backing to promote him. His style is not as contemporary, but oozing with talent and heart.
So I think America got it absolutely right making Neal E Boyd the winner of AGT. I can't wait for his first cd to be released.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sleep Apnea
I had a sleep study done in March because my husband told me that I stopped breathing at night. He said he could not hold his breath for as long as I did not breathe. The results of the study was that I have severe sleep apnea. I stopped breathing almost 600 times in six hours. My oxygen levels dropped dangerously low. I did not realize how many people have sleep apnea until I found out I had it.
I got a VPAP III machine with a humidifier. Because of the severity of my problem, it helps me with inhaling and exhaling while I sleep.
I am a mouth breather, so I have to use a full mask which covers my nose and mouth. This was difficult for me to get used to . I have always hated anything covering my mouth, especially when I try to sleep.
It takes the machine 20 minutes to "ramp up" to the pressures I need. I cannot tolerate the mask while it is as the lower pressures of ramping up. I need to feel more pressure when I cover my mouth with it.
Prior to getting the machine, I cannot even remember when was the last time I slept deeply. Because I was in the pattern of stopping breathing , I slept lightly so I could get myself awake.
One night, since getting the machine, the power went out. I was sleeping deeply. Without the machine working, I went into a sleep apnea and had a hard time waking myself up. When I did finally awaken, the mask was covering my mouth but no air was coming through because the power was out. I almost had a panic attack, feeling like I could not get any air to breathe. I finally got the mask off, gasping for breath. Fortunately the power did not stay off very long (maybe 30 minutes) - and I was able to use the machine and get back to sleep.
My sleep doctor told me because of the severity of my problem, I need to have a power backup available for my machine. This is easier said than done.
IN the meantime, my husband found a wonderful little device called "PowerOut". I plug it into the same outlet as my sleep machine. If the power goes out, it flashes a light and sounds an alarm. Thus it would wake me up more easily and I could get the mask off without having to panic.
We are still working on what will make the most sense as a power backup, but I feel better knowing it will not be so hard to wake up next time the power goes out.
I got a VPAP III machine with a humidifier. Because of the severity of my problem, it helps me with inhaling and exhaling while I sleep.
I am a mouth breather, so I have to use a full mask which covers my nose and mouth. This was difficult for me to get used to . I have always hated anything covering my mouth, especially when I try to sleep.
It takes the machine 20 minutes to "ramp up" to the pressures I need. I cannot tolerate the mask while it is as the lower pressures of ramping up. I need to feel more pressure when I cover my mouth with it.
Prior to getting the machine, I cannot even remember when was the last time I slept deeply. Because I was in the pattern of stopping breathing , I slept lightly so I could get myself awake.
One night, since getting the machine, the power went out. I was sleeping deeply. Without the machine working, I went into a sleep apnea and had a hard time waking myself up. When I did finally awaken, the mask was covering my mouth but no air was coming through because the power was out. I almost had a panic attack, feeling like I could not get any air to breathe. I finally got the mask off, gasping for breath. Fortunately the power did not stay off very long (maybe 30 minutes) - and I was able to use the machine and get back to sleep.
My sleep doctor told me because of the severity of my problem, I need to have a power backup available for my machine. This is easier said than done.
IN the meantime, my husband found a wonderful little device called "PowerOut". I plug it into the same outlet as my sleep machine. If the power goes out, it flashes a light and sounds an alarm. Thus it would wake me up more easily and I could get the mask off without having to panic.
We are still working on what will make the most sense as a power backup, but I feel better knowing it will not be so hard to wake up next time the power goes out.
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