Another year is coming to an end. Looking back, it has not been one of my better years. I have dealt with a lot of medical issues. The process has not been enjoyable. But I have learned many lessons, some good, some not so good. I have started recording my thoughts and situation in this blog. I have made some friends and lost some friends. I have come to appreciate things which many take for granted.
I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. But there are some things I hope for in 2009.
I want to spend more time with people I care about ( God, family, friends).
I want to continue to eat healthy and take better care of this body God has given me, by diligently working on the medical issues.
I want to continue to go to the gym and be more active, hopefully bringing some relief to the constant back pain I live with.
I want to continue to be an encouragement and support to others.
I want to be more forgiving and gracious towards others.
I would like to get some projects done around the house.
I want to enjoy life more - to laugh more, to feel happy more of the time, to do things that bring joy to my heart.
I want to give and receive more hugs.
I want to let people know how much they mean to me.
I am sure there are more things I can add to this list, but I will stop there. May 2009 be a joyful, wonderful year for all of us.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Being Invisible
When I was a kid I remember watching "The Invisible Man". In that show, a man was invisible and when he wanted to be seen he had to wrap himself in bandages (sort of like a mummy) and wear clothes over them. At the time, I thought how cool it would be, to be able to be invisible like that.
I do not think that ever since I became invisible. How, you ask, do you become invisible? Let me tell you.
I can be in a room with several other people and their conversation totally ignores me. Either the subject matter is something I am unfamiliar with, so can contribute nothing, or else I am just left out. Like I am not even there - invisible.
I can be working around the house, trying to get things done, and have to work around those who are sitting around, paying no attention. I am taken for granted - invisible.
All of the Christmas preparations magically get completed,by an invisible person - me.
The laundry somehow miraculously gets cleaned and dried on a weekly basis, by an invisible person, me.
If you look at the majority of our family pictures, you will notice an invisible person - me.
The stockings are hung and filled by the chimney with care - all by an invisible person - yet there is rarely one for me, because I am invisible.
Even at family get togethers, I am usually invisible, as others visit at my house.
I do not like being invisible. This year I have been trying to get the bandages wrapped around me as I have struggled with medical issues. I started writing a blog to try and overcome some of my invisibility. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Being invisible is not the fun time I imagined when I was a child watching that man on tv.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Reflections
I am sitting here at the computer, staring out the window at the large flakes of snow gliding to the ground. It has been snowing for about 25 minutes and the driveway, street and cars are already covered. I can enjoy watching the weather without stress - the gifts are bought, the cards are mailed and the groceries are stored in the cupboards. I still have the wrapping to do, but the weather will not impact that.
There is a touch of sadness in my heart, though. Last night the decision was made (by hubby's sister) to put his Dad under the care of hospice. In many ways this is a good thing - we know he will get the care he needs and we know he will be given every opportunity to eat and take his medications. To me, though, it felt too soon for this step to be taken, but I am not the one providing 24 hour care for him. Prior to this, I think we all held a more optimistic outlook, believing there was more time, not less to look forward to. Thus there is a shadow over the upcoming celebrations.
I have been to the gym a few more times. Last night I was able to do the treadmill for 30 minutes, the recumbent bike for 30 minutes and the hand bike for 20 minutes.
The other day when I was doing my at home exercises, I was hurting and hubby asked about my pain. It was muscle pain from going to the gym. He wanted to know how painful was it. I told him compared to what I experience with my back on a regular basis, it was not too bad. But that to someone else, who did not live with pain, it probably would be excruciating. It is all what you are used to. I hope to be able to join the gym after the first of the year, when they will have a special.
My final thoughts are about loneliness. This year has been medically challenging for me. I am feeling much better than I did a y ear ago, but not all the way yet. But in this year, I have grown lonely. Not being able to do as much, I have stayed at home more than going out. My hubby has immersed himself in work and even when he is physically at home, mostly he is upstairs at the computer working. We have frequent meals together, but as soon as he is finished, he is off to work again - this includes evenings and weekends. I can go for days without even talking to anyone. Email is nice, but does not replace conversation. So it has been a lonely year in many ways. Maybe in another blog I will share about being invisible.
There is a touch of sadness in my heart, though. Last night the decision was made (by hubby's sister) to put his Dad under the care of hospice. In many ways this is a good thing - we know he will get the care he needs and we know he will be given every opportunity to eat and take his medications. To me, though, it felt too soon for this step to be taken, but I am not the one providing 24 hour care for him. Prior to this, I think we all held a more optimistic outlook, believing there was more time, not less to look forward to. Thus there is a shadow over the upcoming celebrations.
I have been to the gym a few more times. Last night I was able to do the treadmill for 30 minutes, the recumbent bike for 30 minutes and the hand bike for 20 minutes.
The other day when I was doing my at home exercises, I was hurting and hubby asked about my pain. It was muscle pain from going to the gym. He wanted to know how painful was it. I told him compared to what I experience with my back on a regular basis, it was not too bad. But that to someone else, who did not live with pain, it probably would be excruciating. It is all what you are used to. I hope to be able to join the gym after the first of the year, when they will have a special.
My final thoughts are about loneliness. This year has been medically challenging for me. I am feeling much better than I did a y ear ago, but not all the way yet. But in this year, I have grown lonely. Not being able to do as much, I have stayed at home more than going out. My hubby has immersed himself in work and even when he is physically at home, mostly he is upstairs at the computer working. We have frequent meals together, but as soon as he is finished, he is off to work again - this includes evenings and weekends. I can go for days without even talking to anyone. Email is nice, but does not replace conversation. So it has been a lonely year in many ways. Maybe in another blog I will share about being invisible.
Monday, December 15, 2008
O Christmas Tree...
I know. It is ten days until Christmas. I have been really struggling this season. With all of the health issues I have faced this year, Although I am starting to do a little better, I still just cannot do all that I used to be able to do.
At holiday time, the majority of the preparations are always done by...me. I decorate the house, bake the goodies, decorate the tree, write the annual Christmas letter, post it online and print it out, address and mail the cards, buy all the gifts, wrap all the presents, stuff all the stockings, cook the Christmas dinner and host the family get together, to list just some of what I have always been responsible for.
I came to the realization this year, I just am not up to all of it. And with that realization some of my joy deflated. Because I knew that if I did not do it, it would not get done.
I began listing in my mind what I could cut back on. I will not do any baking of goodies. I will not decorate the house. I will buy less gifts. I had pretty much decided not to write a Christmas letter. Then a lot of people started telling me how they were looking forward to getting the letter. SO that went back on the to do list.
I had even decided that if necessary, we would not have a tree. It is no fun for me to decorate it by myself. I wished in my heart that my grandson could come, like he did last year, and help me decorate it.
All of these thoughts led me to struggle to get into the Christmas spirit. SO I took out my Bible and read the Christmas story in the gospels. My heart began to stir as once again I felt the loving embrace of God's love in sending His beloved Son as a baby that first Christmas, to save me from my sin. As I rose from that place, I was renewed and revived with the reason for the season - Jesus.
My daughter emailed me and asked if she could bring my grandson for part of the weekend. God answered the unspoken prayer in my heart and my grandson helped decorate the tree with me. What a fun time we had.
Now I am catching up with preparing the Christmas letter, making some homemade gifts and addressing the cards. Then onto wrapping presents.
I may not be able to do as much or work as quickly as I used to, but my heart is full of the overwhelming love of God as I prepare for His Son's birth with a renewed joy.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Just the facts
I haven't written about my health of late. I thought it was about time to update what is going on in that area.
I saw my dietician today and am down 2 more pounds. (And that is covering Thanksgiving!)
I mentioned a while ago that I was going to have another sleep apnea test to try out a new machine. My sleep doctor now has a sleep clinic where he wanted me to have the test done. My insurance will not cover it at his place. I have to return to St Mary's hospital, which is where I had them done last March. The test will be on Monday night January 12th.
For the most part, my congestion is still clear. Today I did cough some, but not much.
My friend has given me a free week trial at her gym. I have gone five times already and have three more by the end of the week. The gym is not too far from my house, which is good. Until tonight, I have gone with her each time. It is better having someone with you. We spur each other on to do more things.
With my back pain and problems, I am limited in what I can do at the gym. I have to be careful that I do not worsen my back situation. From physical therapy this past summer, I knew I could do the recumbent bike and the treadmill. Now, mind you, I do not go fast on either one. I keep a nice steady slow pace (about 2 on each). But I can do them for twenty minutes. The treadmill for twenty minutes is a biggie for me. At physical therapy I could only do from 3 to 10 minutes on the treadmill before my leg began to hurt and I had to stop. SO twenty minutes is wonderful.
There is a track which once around is an eighth of a mile. Walking it without having anything to hold onto (like I have on the treadmill) I get about halfway around and my back starts to hurt. After once around I stop and do my backbends, then go for another round. The fact that my back hurts and not my leg is another biggie. One of the goals of physical therapy, they told me, was to get the pain out of my leg and into my back where it belongs. SO the fact that my back and not my leg hurts is great.
I use a machine that works on the lower back and it feels great. Each day I add a little more weight to it.
When I saw my chiropractor on Tuesday I asked him what other equipment I could use that would not negatively impact my back, and he suggested one that strengthens the abdomen. SO I added that one last night. I have also tried the thigh machines.
At the end of the session, my friend and I go into a room and do cool down exercises and use some weights. Unfortunately standing makes my back hurt and I cannot do too much with the weights yet. My dietician suggested strength training with machines where I sit while using them.
Running a marathon is not my goal here. What I want to do is to get moving. I have not been able to walk or stand or do much of anything because of back pain for a long, long time. So just the fact that I can get on these machines and move my muscles is huge for me. I am hoping when my free week is over I can join this gym and go several times a week to keep up the strengthening process.
Now if I could only get some of my Christmas stuff started...
I saw my dietician today and am down 2 more pounds. (And that is covering Thanksgiving!)
I mentioned a while ago that I was going to have another sleep apnea test to try out a new machine. My sleep doctor now has a sleep clinic where he wanted me to have the test done. My insurance will not cover it at his place. I have to return to St Mary's hospital, which is where I had them done last March. The test will be on Monday night January 12th.
For the most part, my congestion is still clear. Today I did cough some, but not much.
My friend has given me a free week trial at her gym. I have gone five times already and have three more by the end of the week. The gym is not too far from my house, which is good. Until tonight, I have gone with her each time. It is better having someone with you. We spur each other on to do more things.
With my back pain and problems, I am limited in what I can do at the gym. I have to be careful that I do not worsen my back situation. From physical therapy this past summer, I knew I could do the recumbent bike and the treadmill. Now, mind you, I do not go fast on either one. I keep a nice steady slow pace (about 2 on each). But I can do them for twenty minutes. The treadmill for twenty minutes is a biggie for me. At physical therapy I could only do from 3 to 10 minutes on the treadmill before my leg began to hurt and I had to stop. SO twenty minutes is wonderful.
There is a track which once around is an eighth of a mile. Walking it without having anything to hold onto (like I have on the treadmill) I get about halfway around and my back starts to hurt. After once around I stop and do my backbends, then go for another round. The fact that my back hurts and not my leg is another biggie. One of the goals of physical therapy, they told me, was to get the pain out of my leg and into my back where it belongs. SO the fact that my back and not my leg hurts is great.
I use a machine that works on the lower back and it feels great. Each day I add a little more weight to it.
When I saw my chiropractor on Tuesday I asked him what other equipment I could use that would not negatively impact my back, and he suggested one that strengthens the abdomen. SO I added that one last night. I have also tried the thigh machines.
At the end of the session, my friend and I go into a room and do cool down exercises and use some weights. Unfortunately standing makes my back hurt and I cannot do too much with the weights yet. My dietician suggested strength training with machines where I sit while using them.
Running a marathon is not my goal here. What I want to do is to get moving. I have not been able to walk or stand or do much of anything because of back pain for a long, long time. So just the fact that I can get on these machines and move my muscles is huge for me. I am hoping when my free week is over I can join this gym and go several times a week to keep up the strengthening process.
Now if I could only get some of my Christmas stuff started...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Why blog anyway?
I haven't blogged here in almost two weeks. This morning I was talking with my hubby about it. For one thing, medically there is not much new right now. I am also feeling like why bother to blog. Does anybody read it? Does anybody really care what I have to say?
I am a person who needs encouragement and motivation. I belong to a website where I write a blog about the common interest of those on the site. I get lots of comments and positive feedback. It encourages me to keep writing.
This blog is different. I tend to share what is on my mind and heart. I open myself up in ways that are not always easy. When it seems like no one reads it, I feel like I have been rejected.
I subscribe to several other blogs. I read each of them. I do not always comment because I want the comments to be real,not just something I make up to let them know I read it. SO I understand that every person who reads my blog will not have a comment every time. But when no one comments, ever, then I wonder if it is worth it.
My hubby pointed out that maybe I should go back to the original purpose of the blog - to update people on my health. I have continued to do that in this blog. But people still ask me how I am doing, when I have just reminded them that it is in the blog. I have isolated one of my relatives who vows she will never ask me again how I am because I asked her to read the blog.
I have written all this as a discussion within myself-pondering where I want to go with this blog thing. Shall I do it for myself and try to overcome my feeling rejected when I feel like no one is reading it? Should I just write about my health and give up introspection and personal sharing? Should I give it up altogether?
If anyone happens to read this and has any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.
I am a person who needs encouragement and motivation. I belong to a website where I write a blog about the common interest of those on the site. I get lots of comments and positive feedback. It encourages me to keep writing.
This blog is different. I tend to share what is on my mind and heart. I open myself up in ways that are not always easy. When it seems like no one reads it, I feel like I have been rejected.
I subscribe to several other blogs. I read each of them. I do not always comment because I want the comments to be real,not just something I make up to let them know I read it. SO I understand that every person who reads my blog will not have a comment every time. But when no one comments, ever, then I wonder if it is worth it.
My hubby pointed out that maybe I should go back to the original purpose of the blog - to update people on my health. I have continued to do that in this blog. But people still ask me how I am doing, when I have just reminded them that it is in the blog. I have isolated one of my relatives who vows she will never ask me again how I am because I asked her to read the blog.
I have written all this as a discussion within myself-pondering where I want to go with this blog thing. Shall I do it for myself and try to overcome my feeling rejected when I feel like no one is reading it? Should I just write about my health and give up introspection and personal sharing? Should I give it up altogether?
If anyone happens to read this and has any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Grateful Heart
A couple of years ago we belonged to a wonderful home group as part of our church. I was in charge of leading the worship time. At Thanksgiving time we always focus on what WE are thankful for. But that year for worship, I wanted us to change our perspective and realise how because God is so giving, we are so blessed. I chose this song:
You Give
Sung by Regi Stone
Composed by Anne Downing
It's easy to think it's been me all along
Who've accomplished the things I have done
At times I can feel myself swelling with pride
As if I alone fought the battles and won
But I know the truth, Lord, it all comes from You
And now I want to give You the praises You're due
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
You work in my weakness, it's there I am strong
I don't understand but it's true
SO I will not glory except in the Cross
And I'll carefully give all the honor to You
Cause I know the truth, Lord, it all comes from You a
Now I want to give all the praises You're due
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
I could sell my last possession
Give my very life away
But nothing I can offer can compare to the way
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
This song captures God's heart of love in giving to us. It takes the emphasis off of us being thankful to Him being the Giver.
Yesterday Pastor's sermon captured this again - Putting the Give back in Thanksgiving. He mentioned how we should follow God's example to give and serve, not begrudgingly, but generously and cheerfully.
So as I share with you my Thanksgiving list, it is going to be in the form of listing the blessings God has given me over and over again.
First He has given me Jesus, who laid down His life, so I can be forgiven and have eternal life.
He has blessed me with a wonderful family - a loving husband, three terrific children, a great son-in-law and a precious grandson.
God has given me loving aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, brothers and sister.
My home is a gift from God.
Healing of my health issues, whether through medication, doctor care, physical therapy is all from the Lord.
Everything I have is a gift from the Lord, all my technology, clothes, books, furniture, vehicles - everything.
God provides for all of my needs - food, shelter, clothing.
All of my friends are from the Father, who is my closest friend.
My wisdom comes from His Word.
He guides and leads me. He gives me rest and fills me with joy.
All of the love in my life comes from Him because He is Love.
When I turn it around to this perspective of how giving God is, my heart overflows with love and thankfulness for Him, not just for the things He has given. And that is what Thanksgiving is all about.
You Give
Sung by Regi Stone
Composed by Anne Downing
It's easy to think it's been me all along
Who've accomplished the things I have done
At times I can feel myself swelling with pride
As if I alone fought the battles and won
But I know the truth, Lord, it all comes from You
And now I want to give You the praises You're due
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
You work in my weakness, it's there I am strong
I don't understand but it's true
SO I will not glory except in the Cross
And I'll carefully give all the honor to You
Cause I know the truth, Lord, it all comes from You a
Now I want to give all the praises You're due
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
I could sell my last possession
Give my very life away
But nothing I can offer can compare to the way
You give and You give again and again
Every gift I can trace to Your Hand
Out of Your love and compassion for man
You give and You give and You give again.
This song captures God's heart of love in giving to us. It takes the emphasis off of us being thankful to Him being the Giver.
Yesterday Pastor's sermon captured this again - Putting the Give back in Thanksgiving. He mentioned how we should follow God's example to give and serve, not begrudgingly, but generously and cheerfully.
So as I share with you my Thanksgiving list, it is going to be in the form of listing the blessings God has given me over and over again.
First He has given me Jesus, who laid down His life, so I can be forgiven and have eternal life.
He has blessed me with a wonderful family - a loving husband, three terrific children, a great son-in-law and a precious grandson.
God has given me loving aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, brothers and sister.
My home is a gift from God.
Healing of my health issues, whether through medication, doctor care, physical therapy is all from the Lord.
Everything I have is a gift from the Lord, all my technology, clothes, books, furniture, vehicles - everything.
God provides for all of my needs - food, shelter, clothing.
All of my friends are from the Father, who is my closest friend.
My wisdom comes from His Word.
He guides and leads me. He gives me rest and fills me with joy.
All of the love in my life comes from Him because He is Love.
When I turn it around to this perspective of how giving God is, my heart overflows with love and thankfulness for Him, not just for the things He has given. And that is what Thanksgiving is all about.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Roller Coaster Week
Monday was our 35th Anniversary. Although hubby was gone over the weekend, and had to be away Tuesday through Thursday, he did make it home for long enough on Monday that we could go out for dinner. We went to a favorite place and had a quiet dinner.
Tuesday I did laundry, as usual. In the evening I went out to dinner with a friend. Then we went shopping. Our first stop was Fashion Bug. I wanted to try on clothes to determine what size I actually wear at this point having lost some weight. I did a happy dance around the store as I am down two sizes!!! More good news, I was able to walk around that store for about 30 minutes with no cart and had no back pain until I was waiting in the checkout line.
Next we were on to Target. I pushed the cart around there for about an hour, but unfortunately felt no inspiration for Christmas gifts.
Wednesday Was a visit to the dietician for a weigh in. Although I lost two more pounds, the visit did not go well. She in the new dietician, as the original one got transferred. The first thing wrong was she sits behind her computer screen typing the entire visit. I mentioned this made me uncomfortable, so I moved in order to be able to see her. She seemed rushed, distracted and stressed. After lowering all of my nutritional values, I was whisked out the door.
Up until now, I have felt great about my dietician visits and advice. It has helped me learn to make healthy choices, eat proper portions and lose weight. With the lowering of the numbers, I tried and tried, but could not keep within the carb count she gave me. I worried about how low the numbers are at this point because I still have a long road of weight loss ahead. I started to feel discouraged and like a failure.
Thursday I had my hair permed. No one noticed. And I do mean NO ONE!!!
Friday I went to CVS to pick up some prescriptions, but the one that needed to be renewed by the dr was not there.
Hubby got home that night and I was happy to see him.
Saturday I decided to email the dietician with my concerns. The result is I will see her again tomorrow (Monday) to try and work it all out, before I decide whether to continue with her, go to the former dietician (over a 30 minute drive) or quit altogether with them.
Today I went to church. Worship was ok, except the leader sermonized too much. This gets my focus off of God and onto the leader. Good sermon on putting Give back in Thanksgiving and being thankful all the time.
That pretty much sums up my week. It had its ups and downs. I was busier than I have been able to be in a long time. I went out every day, but Saturday. Those are positives. Next time I will probably share something Thanksgiving-ish.
Tuesday I did laundry, as usual. In the evening I went out to dinner with a friend. Then we went shopping. Our first stop was Fashion Bug. I wanted to try on clothes to determine what size I actually wear at this point having lost some weight. I did a happy dance around the store as I am down two sizes!!! More good news, I was able to walk around that store for about 30 minutes with no cart and had no back pain until I was waiting in the checkout line.
Next we were on to Target. I pushed the cart around there for about an hour, but unfortunately felt no inspiration for Christmas gifts.
Wednesday Was a visit to the dietician for a weigh in. Although I lost two more pounds, the visit did not go well. She in the new dietician, as the original one got transferred. The first thing wrong was she sits behind her computer screen typing the entire visit. I mentioned this made me uncomfortable, so I moved in order to be able to see her. She seemed rushed, distracted and stressed. After lowering all of my nutritional values, I was whisked out the door.
Up until now, I have felt great about my dietician visits and advice. It has helped me learn to make healthy choices, eat proper portions and lose weight. With the lowering of the numbers, I tried and tried, but could not keep within the carb count she gave me. I worried about how low the numbers are at this point because I still have a long road of weight loss ahead. I started to feel discouraged and like a failure.
Thursday I had my hair permed. No one noticed. And I do mean NO ONE!!!
Friday I went to CVS to pick up some prescriptions, but the one that needed to be renewed by the dr was not there.
Hubby got home that night and I was happy to see him.
Saturday I decided to email the dietician with my concerns. The result is I will see her again tomorrow (Monday) to try and work it all out, before I decide whether to continue with her, go to the former dietician (over a 30 minute drive) or quit altogether with them.
Today I went to church. Worship was ok, except the leader sermonized too much. This gets my focus off of God and onto the leader. Good sermon on putting Give back in Thanksgiving and being thankful all the time.
That pretty much sums up my week. It had its ups and downs. I was busier than I have been able to be in a long time. I went out every day, but Saturday. Those are positives. Next time I will probably share something Thanksgiving-ish.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Revealing facts
Ok - here are the answers:
1) Elizabeth, NJ
2) Trenton State college (now The College of NJ) 1971 and 1976
3) Chevy Camaro 1971, white with black vinyl roof
4) at New Dover United Methodist Church, Edison, NJ
5) purple
6) Jane Austen
7) Don Moen
8) Christ Church Nashville Choir
9) Smoky Mountains, Tennessee
10) any of the following are correct: photography, reading, computer stuff, music
11) MAC
12) Ipod followed closely by Tivo and Palm Pilot
13)
17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
1) Elizabeth, NJ
2) Trenton State college (now The College of NJ) 1971 and 1976
3) Chevy Camaro 1971, white with black vinyl roof
4) at New Dover United Methodist Church, Edison, NJ
5) purple
6) Jane Austen
7) Don Moen
8) Christ Church Nashville Choir
9) Smoky Mountains, Tennessee
10) any of the following are correct: photography, reading, computer stuff, music
11) MAC
12) Ipod followed closely by Tivo and Palm Pilot
13)
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (New International Version)
17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
14)Jeopardy is the one I have watched the most often and longest.
I also like NCIS, CSI Miami, Monk, Dancing With the Stars and American Idol.
Bonus: This is my kindergarten picture - I was just five years old.
My sister Linda got the most right followed closely by my daughter Sara.
Thanks for taking time to have some fun with me.
Edited for security reasons.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Doctor visit
Today is my 35th anniversary. John is on his way home from the airport and will be leaving tomorrow for three more days away.
Recently I got one of those email questionnaires where you had to answer a list of questions about yourself. One of them asked me to write in four places I go again and again. One of my replies was to the doctor.
My day began with a doctor appointment. It was a follow up to make sure my lungs and congestion were clear.
It used to be whenever I went to my primary doctor the first stop was always the scale. But since I have been losing weight, they have not weighed me. Today the nurse said they wanted to get an updated weight. She immediately pushed the weight all the way to one end. I told her no more for that - she was amazed at how much I had lost since they last weighed me. We talked about how I was losing weight (with the dietician) and she told me to keep up the good work.
When she took my BP it was high again 170/94.
The doctor checked my breathing and declared me to be congestion and wheeze free. PTL!!!! He was thrilled. It has been since August my lungs have been congested.
We talked about my BP and how the severe sleep apnea is probably what is making it so high. He added another medication which he hopes will take care of lowering it. I have to see him again in 6 weeks to see how the new medication is working.
All in all, I felt pretty good after that visit. Although the high BP is a concern, I am thinking positively that the medication, the continuing weight loss, and the upcoming sleep apnea re-evaluation will help keep it under control.
Recently I got one of those email questionnaires where you had to answer a list of questions about yourself. One of them asked me to write in four places I go again and again. One of my replies was to the doctor.
My day began with a doctor appointment. It was a follow up to make sure my lungs and congestion were clear.
It used to be whenever I went to my primary doctor the first stop was always the scale. But since I have been losing weight, they have not weighed me. Today the nurse said they wanted to get an updated weight. She immediately pushed the weight all the way to one end. I told her no more for that - she was amazed at how much I had lost since they last weighed me. We talked about how I was losing weight (with the dietician) and she told me to keep up the good work.
When she took my BP it was high again 170/94.
The doctor checked my breathing and declared me to be congestion and wheeze free. PTL!!!! He was thrilled. It has been since August my lungs have been congested.
We talked about my BP and how the severe sleep apnea is probably what is making it so high. He added another medication which he hopes will take care of lowering it. I have to see him again in 6 weeks to see how the new medication is working.
All in all, I felt pretty good after that visit. Although the high BP is a concern, I am thinking positively that the medication, the continuing weight loss, and the upcoming sleep apnea re-evaluation will help keep it under control.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Happy Birthday, MA
Today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. She was born Georgie Belle Boyd to tenant farmers in middle Tennessee. GB was the fifth of eight children, having five sisters and two brothers. It was a very close family.She was the first in her family to finish high school.
During WWII the army trained in the fields near where she lived, because the terrain was similar to that of Germany. Her mother was always feeding the soldiers. GB caught the eye of one of those soldiers and they began a correspondence courtship as he was sent overseas to fight. Upon his return they were married. Her new husband was originally from Illinois, but his family now lived in NJ, so that is where they lived. But before leaving, GB's father made her new husband promise to bring her "home" at least once a year- A promise he kept faithfully.
At first they lived with her new inlaws. GB was extremely homesick, missing her parents and her siblings. When they discovered they were expecting their first child (me), they found a little home of their own. When the third child came along, they had to seek out a bigger place.
Soon there were five children in their family.
Every summer the family packed up the car and made the trip to Tennessee to visit GB's family. Those times were truly the happiest of my young life. We were loved and hugged enough to make up for all of the lonely months without those dear aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. We all cried broken hearted tears every summer when it was time to say goodbye.
As GB's family grew older, she was able to become more active in her church. She began attending and then leading the prayer group. GB was a strong believer in the power of prayer and was truly a prayer warrior. Most of her time was spent reading her Bible and praying.
As she got older, arthritis made it difficult for her to do many things. She lived in a lot of pain. Most of the time, it was not mentioned.
When he two daughters got married, she was thrilled to finally have two precious granddaughters.
Their whole married life, her husband had the goal of moving to Tennessee, even if it had to wait until retirement. It turned out that was what happened. The minute he retired he began making plans for the move. GB was torn. Her children and new grandchildren were now in NJ. She hated the thought of leaving us behind. But off she went. Sadly two weeks later, her husband passed away suddenly and she returned to live out her days in NJ.
Her greatest joys were serving Jesus and spending time with her grandchildren, which now numbered 6.
I remember her passing with sadness, because she suffered a great deal. And although, she was ready to go, I was not ready to let her go.
So today, on her birthday, I say once again, I love you and miss you, Ma.
During WWII the army trained in the fields near where she lived, because the terrain was similar to that of Germany. Her mother was always feeding the soldiers. GB caught the eye of one of those soldiers and they began a correspondence courtship as he was sent overseas to fight. Upon his return they were married. Her new husband was originally from Illinois, but his family now lived in NJ, so that is where they lived. But before leaving, GB's father made her new husband promise to bring her "home" at least once a year- A promise he kept faithfully.
At first they lived with her new inlaws. GB was extremely homesick, missing her parents and her siblings. When they discovered they were expecting their first child (me), they found a little home of their own. When the third child came along, they had to seek out a bigger place.
Soon there were five children in their family.
Every summer the family packed up the car and made the trip to Tennessee to visit GB's family. Those times were truly the happiest of my young life. We were loved and hugged enough to make up for all of the lonely months without those dear aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. We all cried broken hearted tears every summer when it was time to say goodbye.
As GB's family grew older, she was able to become more active in her church. She began attending and then leading the prayer group. GB was a strong believer in the power of prayer and was truly a prayer warrior. Most of her time was spent reading her Bible and praying.
As she got older, arthritis made it difficult for her to do many things. She lived in a lot of pain. Most of the time, it was not mentioned.
When he two daughters got married, she was thrilled to finally have two precious granddaughters.
Their whole married life, her husband had the goal of moving to Tennessee, even if it had to wait until retirement. It turned out that was what happened. The minute he retired he began making plans for the move. GB was torn. Her children and new grandchildren were now in NJ. She hated the thought of leaving us behind. But off she went. Sadly two weeks later, her husband passed away suddenly and she returned to live out her days in NJ.
Her greatest joys were serving Jesus and spending time with her grandchildren, which now numbered 6.
I remember her passing with sadness, because she suffered a great deal. And although, she was ready to go, I was not ready to let her go.
So today, on her birthday, I say once again, I love you and miss you, Ma.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Crying myself to sleep...
First, let me say to those of you who have answered my previous blog, good job!
I just got back from my sleep apnea/pulmonary doctor. I was not expecting anything but a routine check on how I am doing with my machine. Was I wrong!!!
TO start with, my BP was high again - 171/84.
The doctor was disappointed that the medical supplier had replaced my broken mask with the same cheap one instead of the high quality mask he prescribed.
He went over my xray and CT scan results and asked me yet again, if I ever smoked or had TB. He said he needs them to send him the films so he can see for himself what is going on there. He cannot figure out how I got granulomotus disease. He still wants me to have a breathing test done. One thing he was pleased about, I was not wheezing today.
He next discussed how I am a perfect candidate for surgery - I thought he meant for obstructive sleep apnea. But upon questioning him, he meant for weight loss. I assured him that with the dietitian he had sent me to I have lost 50 pounds. I do not think he believed me because he marched me right over to the scale in the receptionist area and weighed me.
Next he went over my sleep test results again. He shocked me by telling me I should go in the record books as the worst case of sleep apnea in history. He reiterated that I had stopped breathing almost 600 times in 6 hours and no other patient he has ever seen or read about even comes close.
He then pointed out how my oxygen levels drop into heart attack country.
But what he was really concerned about, he said, was that even using the machine I stopped breathing 120 times in 6 hours and my oxygen level continue to be dangerously low under 80%. He is worried I will have a heart attack, even using the machine.
The result is I have to have another sleep study done on December 11th (if insurance approves) using a machine that gives higher pressure to see if they can correct the stoppage of breathing better. IF that machine does not do it, they will put me on a different type of machine that is more like a ventilator, it will control my breathing more, rather than just assist it. He also said they will add oxygen into the mix if my level continue to be so low during the study.
Depending on the results of the study, he thinks I need a new machine - one that costs over $8000. He said he knows the insurance will reject it and he will have to write a ten page letter justifying my need of it.
So here I am again, trying not to be discouraged. The sleep apnea was one area I thought was under control with the machine. I appreciate your prayers for my continuing health issues.
I just got back from my sleep apnea/pulmonary doctor. I was not expecting anything but a routine check on how I am doing with my machine. Was I wrong!!!
TO start with, my BP was high again - 171/84.
The doctor was disappointed that the medical supplier had replaced my broken mask with the same cheap one instead of the high quality mask he prescribed.
He went over my xray and CT scan results and asked me yet again, if I ever smoked or had TB. He said he needs them to send him the films so he can see for himself what is going on there. He cannot figure out how I got granulomotus disease. He still wants me to have a breathing test done. One thing he was pleased about, I was not wheezing today.
He next discussed how I am a perfect candidate for surgery - I thought he meant for obstructive sleep apnea. But upon questioning him, he meant for weight loss. I assured him that with the dietitian he had sent me to I have lost 50 pounds. I do not think he believed me because he marched me right over to the scale in the receptionist area and weighed me.
Next he went over my sleep test results again. He shocked me by telling me I should go in the record books as the worst case of sleep apnea in history. He reiterated that I had stopped breathing almost 600 times in 6 hours and no other patient he has ever seen or read about even comes close.
He then pointed out how my oxygen levels drop into heart attack country.
But what he was really concerned about, he said, was that even using the machine I stopped breathing 120 times in 6 hours and my oxygen level continue to be dangerously low under 80%. He is worried I will have a heart attack, even using the machine.
The result is I have to have another sleep study done on December 11th (if insurance approves) using a machine that gives higher pressure to see if they can correct the stoppage of breathing better. IF that machine does not do it, they will put me on a different type of machine that is more like a ventilator, it will control my breathing more, rather than just assist it. He also said they will add oxygen into the mix if my level continue to be so low during the study.
Depending on the results of the study, he thinks I need a new machine - one that costs over $8000. He said he knows the insurance will reject it and he will have to write a ten page letter justifying my need of it.
So here I am again, trying not to be discouraged. The sleep apnea was one area I thought was under control with the machine. I appreciate your prayers for my continuing health issues.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Getting to know me...
How well do you know me? Here is a little quiz. Post your answers as a comment replying to the blog. In one week I will reveal all.
1. When and where was I born?
2. From what college did I graduate and what year?
3. What was my first car? (year, make, model)
4. When and where was I married?
5. What is my favorite color?
6. Who is my favorite author?
7. Who is my favorite worship leader/singer?
8. Which is my favorite choir?
9. What are my favorite mountains?
10. What is my favorite hobby?
11. What type of computer do I have?
12. What is my favorite technology "toy"?
13. What is my favorite Bible verse(s)?
14. What is my favorite TV show?
(Bonus question how old am I in the blog picture?)
Answer as many as you can and when I give the answers I will announce who got the most right. Have fun.
1. When and where was I born?
2. From what college did I graduate and what year?
3. What was my first car? (year, make, model)
4. When and where was I married?
5. What is my favorite color?
6. Who is my favorite author?
7. Who is my favorite worship leader/singer?
8. Which is my favorite choir?
9. What are my favorite mountains?
10. What is my favorite hobby?
11. What type of computer do I have?
12. What is my favorite technology "toy"?
13. What is my favorite Bible verse(s)?
14. What is my favorite TV show?
(Bonus question how old am I in the blog picture?)
Answer as many as you can and when I give the answers I will announce who got the most right. Have fun.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Missional Living
Pastor has been preaching the last few weeks on the four foundational values of Christian Life Center. These are:
1. Loving God
2. Loving others (These two always remind me of the Gaither song, "Loving God, loving each other, making music with my friends")
3. Missional living
4. Spiritual formation
He states in his blog, "Missional living at its best is being God's hand reaching out to others."
This reminded me of something.
It was about 3:00pm on the first day of school. At a pharmacy in Brooklyn a young African American boy was at the checkout counter with various school supplies. The cashier had rung up the purchase and he was carefully unfolding one dollar bills that had been crammed into his pocket. He was dressed in what looked like a school uniform. As he unfolded the last dollar he had, and counted it was not enough. He had to decide what to leave behind - first came the package of pens, then a notebook. The man behind him in line, dressed in jeans, witnessed what was happening. He picked up the package of pens, took out his wallet and paid for them, returning them to the boy's pile.
As the man was exiting the store, he saw an older model car, being driven by an elderly gentleman, pick up the young boy and drive him away.
This is missional living.
(This is a true story)
1. Loving God
2. Loving others (These two always remind me of the Gaither song, "Loving God, loving each other, making music with my friends")
3. Missional living
4. Spiritual formation
He states in his blog, "Missional living at its best is being God's hand reaching out to others."
This reminded me of something.
It was about 3:00pm on the first day of school. At a pharmacy in Brooklyn a young African American boy was at the checkout counter with various school supplies. The cashier had rung up the purchase and he was carefully unfolding one dollar bills that had been crammed into his pocket. He was dressed in what looked like a school uniform. As he unfolded the last dollar he had, and counted it was not enough. He had to decide what to leave behind - first came the package of pens, then a notebook. The man behind him in line, dressed in jeans, witnessed what was happening. He picked up the package of pens, took out his wallet and paid for them, returning them to the boy's pile.
As the man was exiting the store, he saw an older model car, being driven by an elderly gentleman, pick up the young boy and drive him away.
This is missional living.
(This is a true story)
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Following my mind trail
My grandson called me the other day to tell me he had four loose teeth. When they came out, he said he was going to hide them from the tooth fairy. I explained maybe he should not hide them too much because if the fairy could not find them, perhaps he would not get a prize.
That conversation got me thinking about cute things kids say. I recalled when Zack's mother was in preschool, I noticed, especially when she was tired, she would put a hand over one eye when she looked at things. I took her to the eye doctor to check it out. When we got home, her daddy asked her where she had been. She told him the eye doctor. He asked, why did she go there. Her answer, "He wanted to see if I was good looking." Adorable.
I then began to think about her as a child. She had this favorite possession, which she got as an infant. It was a pink bunny blanket. It had the head of a bunny and sort of a puppet body made out of blanket. She could not be without it. I had to buy a second one and let it get worn equally to the original, so I could wash it once in a while. She cuddled it when she slept and rubbed its softness against her face.
When she was older, she continued to sleep cuddling this "Booie".
At some point she got one of those clip on reading lamps, which she clipped to her headboard. One morning when I awoke I smelled something burning. I looked all around the house, but found nothing, until I went into her room. The lamp was leaning on her pillow and it was smoldering, so close to her precious face. What saved her, keeping her from being burned, was her Booie". It was charred, almost beyond recognition, but our sweetheart was not harmed in any way. (The lamp was thrown away).
To this day, she keeps that charred remains inside of the other Booie. It is much loved still.
It made me think of what Jesus has done for us. He has taken our place and saved us. He has kept us from the punishment we deserve. His love drew Him to die for us. And I love Him with all my heart for it. Just like that Booie saved my girl and she continues to love and cuddle it.
That conversation got me thinking about cute things kids say. I recalled when Zack's mother was in preschool, I noticed, especially when she was tired, she would put a hand over one eye when she looked at things. I took her to the eye doctor to check it out. When we got home, her daddy asked her where she had been. She told him the eye doctor. He asked, why did she go there. Her answer, "He wanted to see if I was good looking." Adorable.
I then began to think about her as a child. She had this favorite possession, which she got as an infant. It was a pink bunny blanket. It had the head of a bunny and sort of a puppet body made out of blanket. She could not be without it. I had to buy a second one and let it get worn equally to the original, so I could wash it once in a while. She cuddled it when she slept and rubbed its softness against her face.
When she was older, she continued to sleep cuddling this "Booie".
At some point she got one of those clip on reading lamps, which she clipped to her headboard. One morning when I awoke I smelled something burning. I looked all around the house, but found nothing, until I went into her room. The lamp was leaning on her pillow and it was smoldering, so close to her precious face. What saved her, keeping her from being burned, was her Booie". It was charred, almost beyond recognition, but our sweetheart was not harmed in any way. (The lamp was thrown away).
To this day, she keeps that charred remains inside of the other Booie. It is much loved still.
It made me think of what Jesus has done for us. He has taken our place and saved us. He has kept us from the punishment we deserve. His love drew Him to die for us. And I love Him with all my heart for it. Just like that Booie saved my girl and she continues to love and cuddle it.
Friday, November 7, 2008
And the doctor says...
I just returned from the doctor, where I had to go for a lung and congestion check.
My BP was 156/68 - top number not too good.
The nurse came in before the doctor and asked me if I had an arm preference. I was confused and asked for what. She wanted to give me a flu shot, but I told her I already had one. She then realized she was in the wrong room. OOPS
The doctor listened to my chest and lungs. I am still wheezing and coughing. Whenever I do any activity at all I go into a coughing spasm. Just breathing in and out for him I went into a coughing spasm.
Now I am much improved since a week ago, but not completely better.
He says the infection is under control and to finish taking the antibiotic. He also told me instead of using the inhaler when I feel I need it, to use it regularly every four hours. He also gave me Advair again and told me I need to use it for the next month or two. What is still present in the inflammation of my bronchial tubes and breathing passages. The inhaler and Advair will give relief to that and help control the coughing.
In the meantime, nothing strenuous to trigger coughing. No crowds to keep from getting re-infected.
I asked if the medication is killing my appetite and he said it can. He wants to check me again in ten days.
Although I am improved, I still have a ways to go. I appreciate your continued prayers for my health.
My BP was 156/68 - top number not too good.
The nurse came in before the doctor and asked me if I had an arm preference. I was confused and asked for what. She wanted to give me a flu shot, but I told her I already had one. She then realized she was in the wrong room. OOPS
The doctor listened to my chest and lungs. I am still wheezing and coughing. Whenever I do any activity at all I go into a coughing spasm. Just breathing in and out for him I went into a coughing spasm.
Now I am much improved since a week ago, but not completely better.
He says the infection is under control and to finish taking the antibiotic. He also told me instead of using the inhaler when I feel I need it, to use it regularly every four hours. He also gave me Advair again and told me I need to use it for the next month or two. What is still present in the inflammation of my bronchial tubes and breathing passages. The inhaler and Advair will give relief to that and help control the coughing.
In the meantime, nothing strenuous to trigger coughing. No crowds to keep from getting re-infected.
I asked if the medication is killing my appetite and he said it can. He wants to check me again in ten days.
Although I am improved, I still have a ways to go. I appreciate your continued prayers for my health.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Forgotten
The older I get, the more I forget. I forget where I put things. I forget people's names. I forget more than I want to admit. So I do not begrudge anyone who forgets stuff.
One thing I never forgot was my mother's birthday. Even the year it was on the day before my wedding and I had a million other things on my mind.
I had my first and only birthday party when I was fifty years old. My daughter and my husband surprised me. It was a thrilling occasion for so many reasons - just one is that some dear friends who had moved to Tennessee, were at the party.
This year I call the forgotten birthday.
I have three brothers, the oldest of whom is known for his always remembering and sending birthday cards -he did not send me a card this year. (The other two did remember and send cards)
In his own way, my husband John did remember, because he had bought me a gift. That morning it just took him about an hour to get awake and aware enough to remember what day it was and bring out the gift and birthday greetings.
My youngest son got up, and left for college classes without a mention of birthday. By the time he returned from class a couple of hours later, he remembered and wished me a happy birthday.
John and Mike took me out for a nice dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate.
My older son, who also lives with us, got up and went to work. He returned after work and got ready to leave again. He called me at about 9:00pm finally remembering and wishing me a Happy Birthday.
That weekend, John, John III and I went up to my daughter's and we went to eat at a local seafood place to celebrate again.
At first I felt bad that they forgot their mother's birthday. I began to get into that mindset of "you are not worth it", "you are not important", "you are not loved". But I quickly overcame those messages by remembering how my birthday started.
The phone rang. It was my precious little grandson saying Happy Birthday, Grammy; and then singing me the Happy Birthday song. It just doesn't get any better than that.
One thing I never forgot was my mother's birthday. Even the year it was on the day before my wedding and I had a million other things on my mind.
I had my first and only birthday party when I was fifty years old. My daughter and my husband surprised me. It was a thrilling occasion for so many reasons - just one is that some dear friends who had moved to Tennessee, were at the party.
This year I call the forgotten birthday.
I have three brothers, the oldest of whom is known for his always remembering and sending birthday cards -he did not send me a card this year. (The other two did remember and send cards)
In his own way, my husband John did remember, because he had bought me a gift. That morning it just took him about an hour to get awake and aware enough to remember what day it was and bring out the gift and birthday greetings.
My youngest son got up, and left for college classes without a mention of birthday. By the time he returned from class a couple of hours later, he remembered and wished me a happy birthday.
John and Mike took me out for a nice dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate.
My older son, who also lives with us, got up and went to work. He returned after work and got ready to leave again. He called me at about 9:00pm finally remembering and wishing me a Happy Birthday.
That weekend, John, John III and I went up to my daughter's and we went to eat at a local seafood place to celebrate again.
At first I felt bad that they forgot their mother's birthday. I began to get into that mindset of "you are not worth it", "you are not important", "you are not loved". But I quickly overcame those messages by remembering how my birthday started.
The phone rang. It was my precious little grandson saying Happy Birthday, Grammy; and then singing me the Happy Birthday song. It just doesn't get any better than that.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
This and That
For those who have asked, my congestion is getting a little better every day. I am still coughing, but not as thick and hard. I have been very thankful for my sleep apnea machine. It has a built in humidifier which can be adjusted. I cranked it all the way up and have been able to sleep without too much coughing. Since being sick, I have had no appetite and have been living on "Ruthiemade" high protein shakes. I add tofu, dried egg white powder, fruit, Fage nonfat yogurt, almonds, flaxseed meal and protein powder to nonfat milk in order to get lots of protein, to help the body heal.
I saw the dietitian today and am another four pounds lighter. I am beginning to notice changes. Like I can now wear my anniversary ring John gave me for our 25th on the proper finger again. I have been wearing it on my pinkie. And the other day when I needed a warm coat to go out, I decided to try a favorite purple puffy one I haven't been able to wear for several years. It is two sizes smaller than what I had been wearing. Guess what??? It zipped right up! Small little victories but they help spur me on.
I was feeling kind of down about the election - but then read blogs by two pastors that helped me refocus . God is still on the throne no matter who the president is. It is HE in Whom I put my trust.
Finally I am going out to dinner with a friend tonight. We are meeting at Chevy's, where I am looking forward to some excellent guacamole.
So all in all it has been a good day and hopefully by the time I see the doctor again on Friday all the sickness will be gone.
I saw the dietitian today and am another four pounds lighter. I am beginning to notice changes. Like I can now wear my anniversary ring John gave me for our 25th on the proper finger again. I have been wearing it on my pinkie. And the other day when I needed a warm coat to go out, I decided to try a favorite purple puffy one I haven't been able to wear for several years. It is two sizes smaller than what I had been wearing. Guess what??? It zipped right up! Small little victories but they help spur me on.
I was feeling kind of down about the election - but then read blogs by two pastors that helped me refocus . God is still on the throne no matter who the president is. It is HE in Whom I put my trust.
Finally I am going out to dinner with a friend tonight. We are meeting at Chevy's, where I am looking forward to some excellent guacamole.
So all in all it has been a good day and hopefully by the time I see the doctor again on Friday all the sickness will be gone.
Friday, October 31, 2008
I am Sick of Being SIck
I have been quiet this week. There are a couple of reasons for this. In my last blog I opened up and poured out my heart. That was not easy. With the exception of a friend from Spark People, whom I have never met, there was no response. So I have not been brave enough to continue with that.
In addition, I have been fighting off a cold all week. With my weak lungs, I am extremely susceptible to germs and infection. So I have been getting plenty of rest, taking lots of extra Vitamin C and drinking lots of water. Apparently it did not do the trick.
I just returned from yet another visit to the doctor. I have bronchitis, extreme congestion in my chest and must return in a week to be checked again. At least my BP was good - 124/74.
On the way home I paid my second visit to CVS this week to pick up prescriptions - an antibiotic and an inhaler, both of which were free.
Needless to say I was feeling down and discouraged. The doctor said because of my respiratory weakness I really need to stay away from crowds.
Listening to my ipod on the way home, God lifted me once again. Dennis Jernigan's "If I Could Sit With You A While" played and brought tears to my already watery eyes.
"When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by
When I know I've sinned and I should have been
Crying out, "My God," and hidden in You
Lord, I need You now more than I know how
And so I humbly bow, hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by "
By Dennis Jernigan; ©1992 Shepherd's Heart Music
It mirrored my feelings so well. If I could just sit with Jesus a while and if He could just hold me, though I am sick and discouraged, I need Him to hold me.
In addition, I have been fighting off a cold all week. With my weak lungs, I am extremely susceptible to germs and infection. So I have been getting plenty of rest, taking lots of extra Vitamin C and drinking lots of water. Apparently it did not do the trick.
I just returned from yet another visit to the doctor. I have bronchitis, extreme congestion in my chest and must return in a week to be checked again. At least my BP was good - 124/74.
On the way home I paid my second visit to CVS this week to pick up prescriptions - an antibiotic and an inhaler, both of which were free.
Needless to say I was feeling down and discouraged. The doctor said because of my respiratory weakness I really need to stay away from crowds.
Listening to my ipod on the way home, God lifted me once again. Dennis Jernigan's "If I Could Sit With You A While" played and brought tears to my already watery eyes.
"When I cannot feel, when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by
When I know I've sinned and I should have been
Crying out, "My God," and hidden in You
Lord, I need You now more than I know how
And so I humbly bow, hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by "
By Dennis Jernigan; ©1992 Shepherd's Heart Music
It mirrored my feelings so well. If I could just sit with Jesus a while and if He could just hold me, though I am sick and discouraged, I need Him to hold me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Defining Moments (Part One)
Not that I am a big fan of his, but Dr. Phil talks about defining moments in our lives. These are usually events involving someone who is important to us. What this person says or does impacts us in such a way that it defines or changes us.
When I was twelve years old, I accepted Jesus and was going to be baptized. My father, who was a quiet man of few words, used to drive us to church, but never stayed. That Sunday I wanted him there so much. I asked him, I even wrote him a letter pouring my heart out why it was so important to me and why I wanted him there. But he did not come. The message I got was I was just not important or worth it.
Soon thereafter, I got my report card. I had all A's and one B. His comment (probably in jest, but it did not come across to me that way) "What are you so stupid you cannot get all A's?" The message I got was I am stupid.
Being the oldest of five children, there was not a lot of money. My father at one time worked three jobs to make ends meet. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs. When we actually got something new, it was a treasure. I was in my teens when I got a new purple dress. It was my favorite color and I loved it. Unfortunately, one laundry day, it went into the dryer and shrunk. When I put it on, it was too tight and short. My father's comment was "If you weren't so fat (which at the time , hard to believe, but I was not), the dress would fit." The message I got was I am fat.
Those defining moments have affected me from those moments on. I have struggled with feeling unloved and unimportant. Feeling like no one really cares about me. That no matter how well I do or what I accomplish it is never good enough. That as long as people think I am fat, I may as well get that way. My self esteem plummeted. I just am not worth it.
Now I know Jesus loves me. And I love Him with all my heart. The reason I came to Him was because of His unconditional love. Through inner healing I have come to realize that God, my Heavenly Father was always with me, even when my earthly father disappointed me. My earthly father was human, and I have come to know that he did the best he could at being my father and did love me in his own way.
God sent me a wonderful, loving husband who has helped me overcome many of my feelings of unworthiness and unloveableness. My children and grandchild heal me from that too.
The final struggle I am trying to overcome is the being fat. As I am changing my eating habits and making healthy lifestyle choices, I am losing weight. But I wonder, will I still see a fat person when I look in the mirror? Even if the outside is not as fat, will I still be fat inside?
What an impact words from someone important in our lives can have, if we let them.
When I was twelve years old, I accepted Jesus and was going to be baptized. My father, who was a quiet man of few words, used to drive us to church, but never stayed. That Sunday I wanted him there so much. I asked him, I even wrote him a letter pouring my heart out why it was so important to me and why I wanted him there. But he did not come. The message I got was I was just not important or worth it.
Soon thereafter, I got my report card. I had all A's and one B. His comment (probably in jest, but it did not come across to me that way) "What are you so stupid you cannot get all A's?" The message I got was I am stupid.
Being the oldest of five children, there was not a lot of money. My father at one time worked three jobs to make ends meet. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs. When we actually got something new, it was a treasure. I was in my teens when I got a new purple dress. It was my favorite color and I loved it. Unfortunately, one laundry day, it went into the dryer and shrunk. When I put it on, it was too tight and short. My father's comment was "If you weren't so fat (which at the time , hard to believe, but I was not), the dress would fit." The message I got was I am fat.
Those defining moments have affected me from those moments on. I have struggled with feeling unloved and unimportant. Feeling like no one really cares about me. That no matter how well I do or what I accomplish it is never good enough. That as long as people think I am fat, I may as well get that way. My self esteem plummeted. I just am not worth it.
Now I know Jesus loves me. And I love Him with all my heart. The reason I came to Him was because of His unconditional love. Through inner healing I have come to realize that God, my Heavenly Father was always with me, even when my earthly father disappointed me. My earthly father was human, and I have come to know that he did the best he could at being my father and did love me in his own way.
God sent me a wonderful, loving husband who has helped me overcome many of my feelings of unworthiness and unloveableness. My children and grandchild heal me from that too.
The final struggle I am trying to overcome is the being fat. As I am changing my eating habits and making healthy lifestyle choices, I am losing weight. But I wonder, will I still see a fat person when I look in the mirror? Even if the outside is not as fat, will I still be fat inside?
What an impact words from someone important in our lives can have, if we let them.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
TB or not TB - that is the question?
TB test have changed since I last got one. I used to get one every year when I was teaching. Then it looked like a small rubber stamp with four little prongs that were poked into the underside of my arm. After two days if there was no rash or swelling, I was good for another year.
This week I had a TB test. The nurse used a needle, which she inserted under the skin of the underside of my arm, between the wrist and elbow. When she pressed the needle, the skin on my arm where it was inserted blew up like a balloon. It started to bleed a little so she gave me a band aid and told me not to leave it on more than ten minutes, as the test area needed to "breathe". I was told to come back in two days to have it read.
That night and the next day the area looked like a bruise.
When I returned to the doctor's office on Friday, the first nurse who looked at it and ran her hand over it looked confused. She told me to wait. A second nurse came to look at it and run her hand over it. Although she looked a little concerned, she finally told me it was just bruised and not a positive result. She said she would fax the result to the pulmonary doctor who ordered the test.
The spot is still purple looking today. I guess like any bruise it will fade gradually. And for a moment there I was wondering TB or not TB.
This week I had a TB test. The nurse used a needle, which she inserted under the skin of the underside of my arm, between the wrist and elbow. When she pressed the needle, the skin on my arm where it was inserted blew up like a balloon. It started to bleed a little so she gave me a band aid and told me not to leave it on more than ten minutes, as the test area needed to "breathe". I was told to come back in two days to have it read.
That night and the next day the area looked like a bruise.
When I returned to the doctor's office on Friday, the first nurse who looked at it and ran her hand over it looked confused. She told me to wait. A second nurse came to look at it and run her hand over it. Although she looked a little concerned, she finally told me it was just bruised and not a positive result. She said she would fax the result to the pulmonary doctor who ordered the test.
The spot is still purple looking today. I guess like any bruise it will fade gradually. And for a moment there I was wondering TB or not TB.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Riding Your Own Donkey
In July, 2007 Pastor Dan Scott preached a sermon by this title at Christ Church Nashville. I was in the congregation that day. It had an impact on me. For some reason it has been on my mind again lately, so I thought I would share some thoughts about it today.
In Numbers 20 we find the account of Balaam, his donkey and the King of Moab. Balaam is a prophet of God who is asked by the king of Moab to curse the Israelites. I always wonder why Balaam even considered this proposition from the king, but I guess, being human, when monetary gain is involved, we tend to lose perspective. In the end, Balaam's donkey, who seems to be better in tune spiritually than Balaam, brings him to his senses.
Pastor Dan remarks that in the Bible the donkey represents human nature. Unless and until we learn to tame that human nature (which gets twisted by sin), we cannot get where we need to go and will end up going the wrong way.
The Bible gives us this silly picture of Balaam and his donkey to show us how foolish we look to God when we allow our donkey (human nature) to take control of our lives.
The scripture basis of the sermon was 2 Timothy 2:1-7. In Pastor Dan's words, "Paul is saying to Timothy, “Ride your own donkey. Stay focused. Stay with it until you see it through. Don’t let others ride your donkey and don’t allow your donkey to ride you.” He says this is one of the most important lessons we need to learn. The remainder of the sermon focuses on three points of learning how to ride your own donkey:
1. Understand who you are (Knowing yourself is about knowing where, when and how you must work in order to do what God has called you to do. You have to ride your own donkey instead of trying to ride someone else’s donkey. David would not have killed Goliath had he chosen to wear Saul’s armor. )
2. Understand what you are to do (Vocation vs Occupation)
3. Understand what you are to become (If we are to do anything significant in life, we cannot refuse those moments in which we are called to declare ourselves. We must consciously take on the roles we believe we are called to perform)
(If anyone is interested enough I have an audio and text copy of the entire message)
Shortly after I heard this sermon, I had the opportunity to share it with two people. One was a mother of three young boys who had been very active in their Christian school, which had just closed down. They were now going to a school where her active involvement was not an option. She felt like she had lost her purpose. After sharing this with her, she felt empowered to "ride her own donkey" to pursue activities she loved, her vocation, as it were.
I also shared it with a Regent University student who was struggling with the direction of her life. After hearing this, she had a renewed enthusiasm that she was going in the right direction, riding her own donkey.
Again I ask myself why is this message coming to mind at this time in my life? Maybe because I have been too focused on my own medical issues, that I have not been riding my own donkey. But somehow I do not think that is the case. Because what is exciting and empowering to me about my faith is to encourage others. My situation has allowed me to do that again in a more powerful way. I think I have more compassion and empathy because of what I have been through.
There were times in my life, I did not ride my own donkey - I was too busy trying to please others and perhaps riding their donkeys. But not anymore.
Are you riding your own donkey?
In Numbers 20 we find the account of Balaam, his donkey and the King of Moab. Balaam is a prophet of God who is asked by the king of Moab to curse the Israelites. I always wonder why Balaam even considered this proposition from the king, but I guess, being human, when monetary gain is involved, we tend to lose perspective. In the end, Balaam's donkey, who seems to be better in tune spiritually than Balaam, brings him to his senses.
Pastor Dan remarks that in the Bible the donkey represents human nature. Unless and until we learn to tame that human nature (which gets twisted by sin), we cannot get where we need to go and will end up going the wrong way.
The Bible gives us this silly picture of Balaam and his donkey to show us how foolish we look to God when we allow our donkey (human nature) to take control of our lives.
The scripture basis of the sermon was 2 Timothy 2:1-7. In Pastor Dan's words, "Paul is saying to Timothy, “Ride your own donkey. Stay focused. Stay with it until you see it through. Don’t let others ride your donkey and don’t allow your donkey to ride you.” He says this is one of the most important lessons we need to learn. The remainder of the sermon focuses on three points of learning how to ride your own donkey:
1. Understand who you are (Knowing yourself is about knowing where, when and how you must work in order to do what God has called you to do. You have to ride your own donkey instead of trying to ride someone else’s donkey. David would not have killed Goliath had he chosen to wear Saul’s armor. )
2. Understand what you are to do (Vocation vs Occupation)
3. Understand what you are to become (If we are to do anything significant in life, we cannot refuse those moments in which we are called to declare ourselves. We must consciously take on the roles we believe we are called to perform)
(If anyone is interested enough I have an audio and text copy of the entire message)
Shortly after I heard this sermon, I had the opportunity to share it with two people. One was a mother of three young boys who had been very active in their Christian school, which had just closed down. They were now going to a school where her active involvement was not an option. She felt like she had lost her purpose. After sharing this with her, she felt empowered to "ride her own donkey" to pursue activities she loved, her vocation, as it were.
I also shared it with a Regent University student who was struggling with the direction of her life. After hearing this, she had a renewed enthusiasm that she was going in the right direction, riding her own donkey.
Again I ask myself why is this message coming to mind at this time in my life? Maybe because I have been too focused on my own medical issues, that I have not been riding my own donkey. But somehow I do not think that is the case. Because what is exciting and empowering to me about my faith is to encourage others. My situation has allowed me to do that again in a more powerful way. I think I have more compassion and empathy because of what I have been through.
There were times in my life, I did not ride my own donkey - I was too busy trying to please others and perhaps riding their donkeys. But not anymore.
Are you riding your own donkey?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Medical News
Good news: I am 6 pounds lighter.
Bad news: My dietician is changing locations and I will be seeing someone new from now on. She has helped me so much I hate to see her go.
Bad news: My blood pressure was higher than it has ever been when they checked it at the doctor's office this afternoon. I know it was nerves about what the doctor was going to diagnose.
Bad news: I have granulomotous disease in my lungs and spleen. There is inflammation and residual infection. The doctor kept asking me if I ever smoked or had tuberculosis. (No, no)
Good news: My lungs sounded clear today.
Bad news: I had to go have a TB test done at my family doctor's. (I have to go back for the results on Friday)
Good news: There is nothing to be done right now. I have to have another CT scan in three months and go back to the pulmonary doctor afterwards.
If the TB test is normal, then I can go have the breathing test my sleep doctor prescribed back in August when all of this started.
On the way to and from the doctor I was listening to my ipod in the car. I selected my Don Moen playlist. "I am the God That Healeth Thee" played on both trips - two different versions. Between the words of the songs and the prayers Don prayed, I knew in my heart that God has it all in control.
Bad news: My dietician is changing locations and I will be seeing someone new from now on. She has helped me so much I hate to see her go.
Bad news: My blood pressure was higher than it has ever been when they checked it at the doctor's office this afternoon. I know it was nerves about what the doctor was going to diagnose.
Bad news: I have granulomotous disease in my lungs and spleen. There is inflammation and residual infection. The doctor kept asking me if I ever smoked or had tuberculosis. (No, no)
Good news: My lungs sounded clear today.
Bad news: I had to go have a TB test done at my family doctor's. (I have to go back for the results on Friday)
Good news: There is nothing to be done right now. I have to have another CT scan in three months and go back to the pulmonary doctor afterwards.
If the TB test is normal, then I can go have the breathing test my sleep doctor prescribed back in August when all of this started.
On the way to and from the doctor I was listening to my ipod in the car. I selected my Don Moen playlist. "I am the God That Healeth Thee" played on both trips - two different versions. Between the words of the songs and the prayers Don prayed, I knew in my heart that God has it all in control.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thoughts on Tomorrow
I am just sitting here thinking about tomorrow. At noon I see my dietician for a weigh in and pep talk. Last time we met three weeks ago, she cut back all of my nutritional numbers and I have been hungry for three weeks. I am not sure if it is all in my head from knowing I am eating less or if it is actually hunger. But I have stayed on track by planning my meals and snacks and sticking to my plan. I just don't know what the scale is going to say. I feel like the tortoise in the story the tortoise and the hare - slow but steady. Most times I wish the pounds would come off faster, but I know they did not appear instantly and so it will take time to shed them. I also know from past yo-yo experiences, that if the weight comes off slowly, the chances are greater it will stay off. But most of all I know I am eating healthy now and my goal is to regain health.
In the afternoon I see the pulmonary doctor about the results of my CT scan. When I made the appointment, the receptionist told me all of their doctors are double booked every day from now until mid December - so who knows how long I will be there. I do and yet I do not want to find out what the doctor has to say, what diagnosis I will be given. The waiting two weeks for the appointment has been rough. Yet I am nervous about the visit. (I hope I will get my pants on right tomorrow).
I have been praying for strength and for healing. I have been alone a lot and used this time to spend with the Lord. I try to keep focused on all of the positives and ways I have been improving over these past months. And one thing I can say is a BIG accomplishment: in the past when I was nervous and upset over something and alone, I would eat as a way to comfort myself. I have overcome that bad habit and I praise God for His help with that. Food is no longer my companion and comfort - I seek the Lord's presence for that now.
So tomorrow brings two unknowns - I'll keep you posted on what I find out.
In the afternoon I see the pulmonary doctor about the results of my CT scan. When I made the appointment, the receptionist told me all of their doctors are double booked every day from now until mid December - so who knows how long I will be there. I do and yet I do not want to find out what the doctor has to say, what diagnosis I will be given. The waiting two weeks for the appointment has been rough. Yet I am nervous about the visit. (I hope I will get my pants on right tomorrow).
I have been praying for strength and for healing. I have been alone a lot and used this time to spend with the Lord. I try to keep focused on all of the positives and ways I have been improving over these past months. And one thing I can say is a BIG accomplishment: in the past when I was nervous and upset over something and alone, I would eat as a way to comfort myself. I have overcome that bad habit and I praise God for His help with that. Food is no longer my companion and comfort - I seek the Lord's presence for that now.
So tomorrow brings two unknowns - I'll keep you posted on what I find out.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A Good Laugh
Proverbs 17:22(KJV) 22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
For the last several months I have had a pretty rough time. I have not found a whole lot to laugh about.Well over a year ago (Probably closer to two), my daughter told me about a show of improvised comedy. It was only on in reruns, but I decided to give it a try. I watched it a few times and it never failed to make me laugh. The sketches were all performed without prior rehearsal by the four comedians. I was hooked. The show is "Whose Line Is It Anyway".
On each show four comedians, three regulars and one guest, improvise situations and they never fail to amuse.
Last fall we went to see two of the men from that show, Brad Sherwood and Colin Mochrie perform live. We enjoyed it so much we saw them again in May and then again last night.
All of their sketches are improvised on the spot, with suggestions from the audience. They ask for weird and uncommon suggestions, which makes it funnier. People from the audience go up on stage and "help". One couple participated in the game "Jeopardy", but Brad and Colin spoke for them, all they had to do was move their lips. During another skit, people from the audience made the sound effects for them.
My favorite was when Brad left the auditorium and Colin got suggestions from the audience about a crime that he was going to get Brad to confess to. Although I cannot remember it exactly it went something like this: While wearing fish-net bat wings and a cheerleader outfit, he performed open-heart surgery on illegal animals and stole Sir Isaac Newton's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from an armpit sniffing mortician's apprentice's wife's house in Playwickie Park, using a turkey juicer. It was Colin's job to give Brad clues through his interrogation which would lead Brad to say the correct words. We laughed so hard as they did this.
The entire evening was hysterical. We laughed until we cried at times.
It did my heart good like medicine. Laughter can help us deal with hard situations. It can lighten our heaviness. It can be healing. I encourage you all to find something to laugh about every day - maybe even yourself sometimes. See how much better you will feel.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Some Things I Have Learned
I have tried to live by the Golden Rule by treating others like I would like to be treated. But I have learned that either others like to be treated inconsiderately, or else they have never learned this rule.
When I first got email I was excited that I could communicate so easily and often with friends and family . I have learned to dread opening my email because for every one personal message I get, I receive 50 jokes, stories, pass-alongs, surveys; and about 50 spams. (Thank goodness for filters).
When I started writing this blog, I did it with the intention of keeping people informed about what is going on with me. It makes it easier than having to repeat over and over or write it again and again. Sometimes my news is upsetting to me and having to constantly remind myself is hard. I have learned that people do not read my blog and that they get insulted when they ask how I am and I ask them to read it.
I have had a lot of health issues during this year. It has been a rough time for me. Instead of me being the one to reach out to others with caring and encouragement all the time, I have needed it myself. I have learned who really cares about me and it is a very small list. I have also had to learn how to be alone most of the time. I have learned to depend more and more on the Lord for my companionship and encouragement.
Earlier this year I began seeing a dietician to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet. I have learned to take control of my eating, to plan all my meals and to stick to the plan.
A lot of people along the way ask, "How are you?" But I have learned that few really want to know or take the time to really listen to the answer.
I used to think of myself as a good communicator. But I have learned that my spoken words are misunderstood more often than not.
Throughout my life there have been those who have hurt me, disliked me and were just downright mean to me. I have been rejected for a whole variety of reasons. I have learned that I am unique. I have learned to be forgiving. I have learned (with a whole lot of prayer) to not internalize those negative feelings. I have learned to be loving to those who are rejected by others. I have learned to love people, but perhaps not their behavior.
There was a time in my life when I would have said I had lots of friends. I have learned that to have one or two true friends is more valuable than gold.
Many days I wake up in pain and my outlook is not that bright. I have learned that God always sends surprises and joyful blessings my way to change my focus from myself. I have learned to reach out and encourage others, when I need it the most myself. I have learned to love and keep on loving, even through the hurt and the disappointment. I am having to learn to care for myself, after years of pouring myself out for others. In some ways it feels selfish, but it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I have learned that I want to regain my health so I can be the person again that God created me to be.
When I first got email I was excited that I could communicate so easily and often with friends and family . I have learned to dread opening my email because for every one personal message I get, I receive 50 jokes, stories, pass-alongs, surveys; and about 50 spams. (Thank goodness for filters).
When I started writing this blog, I did it with the intention of keeping people informed about what is going on with me. It makes it easier than having to repeat over and over or write it again and again. Sometimes my news is upsetting to me and having to constantly remind myself is hard. I have learned that people do not read my blog and that they get insulted when they ask how I am and I ask them to read it.
I have had a lot of health issues during this year. It has been a rough time for me. Instead of me being the one to reach out to others with caring and encouragement all the time, I have needed it myself. I have learned who really cares about me and it is a very small list. I have also had to learn how to be alone most of the time. I have learned to depend more and more on the Lord for my companionship and encouragement.
Earlier this year I began seeing a dietician to make sure I was getting enough protein in my diet. I have learned to take control of my eating, to plan all my meals and to stick to the plan.
A lot of people along the way ask, "How are you?" But I have learned that few really want to know or take the time to really listen to the answer.
I used to think of myself as a good communicator. But I have learned that my spoken words are misunderstood more often than not.
Throughout my life there have been those who have hurt me, disliked me and were just downright mean to me. I have been rejected for a whole variety of reasons. I have learned that I am unique. I have learned to be forgiving. I have learned (with a whole lot of prayer) to not internalize those negative feelings. I have learned to be loving to those who are rejected by others. I have learned to love people, but perhaps not their behavior.
There was a time in my life when I would have said I had lots of friends. I have learned that to have one or two true friends is more valuable than gold.
Many days I wake up in pain and my outlook is not that bright. I have learned that God always sends surprises and joyful blessings my way to change my focus from myself. I have learned to reach out and encourage others, when I need it the most myself. I have learned to love and keep on loving, even through the hurt and the disappointment. I am having to learn to care for myself, after years of pouring myself out for others. In some ways it feels selfish, but it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I have learned that I want to regain my health so I can be the person again that God created me to be.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Shack
I recently read an unusual book. It was recommended by Gloria Gaither as a must read, life changing experience. That intrigued me. Gloria Gaither is a deep theological thinker. Such a recommendation from her was huge to me. So I ordered the book, The Shack, by William P Young.
I was not impressed by the first several chapters, I thought them kind of boring and upsetting. But once Mac, the main character, arrives at "the shack", all that changed. His encounters and experiences there gave me pictures for theological mysteries I had never had pictures for before. I saw how God is whoever and whatever we need Him to be in every circumstance of our lives. God is willing to do whatever it takes to have a loving relationship with us.
I saw how when we really learn to let go and trust God, our joy is overflowing and our stress is removed. Mac has an encounter with all of God and his life is never the same again.
This book is fiction. The author originally wrote it to give to his children. But as others read the story, they encouraged him how special it was and to publish it. Many who read it find it hard to believe it is fiction and call the author wanting to speak to Mac.
There are those I know who will not like it. It imagines what some Biblical truths could look like. For me, although I know it is fiction, it gives me a new way to imagine some mysteries I have long wondered about. Some will be offended by the characterizations, but to me they just help me know better who God is. He is Who we need Him to be, a father, a mother, a comforter, a friend, a healer, a savior etc.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind and heart.
I was not impressed by the first several chapters, I thought them kind of boring and upsetting. But once Mac, the main character, arrives at "the shack", all that changed. His encounters and experiences there gave me pictures for theological mysteries I had never had pictures for before. I saw how God is whoever and whatever we need Him to be in every circumstance of our lives. God is willing to do whatever it takes to have a loving relationship with us.
I saw how when we really learn to let go and trust God, our joy is overflowing and our stress is removed. Mac has an encounter with all of God and his life is never the same again.
This book is fiction. The author originally wrote it to give to his children. But as others read the story, they encouraged him how special it was and to publish it. Many who read it find it hard to believe it is fiction and call the author wanting to speak to Mac.
There are those I know who will not like it. It imagines what some Biblical truths could look like. For me, although I know it is fiction, it gives me a new way to imagine some mysteries I have long wondered about. Some will be offended by the characterizations, but to me they just help me know better who God is. He is Who we need Him to be, a father, a mother, a comforter, a friend, a healer, a savior etc.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind and heart.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Where's the Beef?
In September, 2007, upon the recommendation of my NUCCA Upper Cervical chiropractor, I cut out meat and poultry from my diet. He suggested that it would be healthier for me and that I would feel better. I decided to try it for six months and to see how I felt then.
It was not hard for me to do. I love fish and seafood so began eating more of that. Except for eliminating meat and poultry, I did not really change my eating habits.
At the end of six months, I had not lost any weight and discovered that I had a lot of health issues. So I continued to not eat meat and poultry.
In March I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and began using a VPAP II machine at night. Prior to this, I was pretty much hungry all the time. My doctor told me because I was always tired (I probably had not slept well in years), my body was always looking for ways to energize and eating is one of those ways. Once I began using the machine the constant hunger was gone. When my sleep doctor found out I was a vegetarian, he sent me to a dietician/nutritionist to make sure I am eating enough protein.
In June I began with the dietician. I told her from the beginning I did not want a "diet", but to learn how to eat the foods I already eat in the right combinations and amounts. She has helped me make sure I am getting enough protein. I have discovered as whole new world of "meatless" foods like tofu and vegetable protein. I am eating whole grains (which I love) and pretty much have cut out sugar. AND I am losing weight.
I have run into some difficulties. We recently went to a weekend conference where the meals were catered (not in a restaurant), I had signed up for vegetarian meals. Unfortunately most places do not think vegetarians require any type of protein. All I got was vegetables for every meal - no cheese, or nuts, or cottage cheese or yogurt.
For the breakfast buffet I could have scrambled eggs, but nothing else hot. The cereals were all sugar coated and the oatmeal tasted like dishwater. There was some fresh fruit I could eat.
When I go anywhere that there is going to be food of which I will have no choice, I try to bring a "care package" with me that has nuts, dried fruit, fat free salad dressing, a protein bar.
Because of all of my health issues, I am very conscious of getting enough protein. I feel good about having made this choice, which is totally for health reasons. I still prepare the other stuff for my family at times, but they too are learning to eat healthier. And I am hoping that eventually I will have less back pain and lower blood pressure and maybe even get over the sleep apnea.
It was not hard for me to do. I love fish and seafood so began eating more of that. Except for eliminating meat and poultry, I did not really change my eating habits.
At the end of six months, I had not lost any weight and discovered that I had a lot of health issues. So I continued to not eat meat and poultry.
In March I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and began using a VPAP II machine at night. Prior to this, I was pretty much hungry all the time. My doctor told me because I was always tired (I probably had not slept well in years), my body was always looking for ways to energize and eating is one of those ways. Once I began using the machine the constant hunger was gone. When my sleep doctor found out I was a vegetarian, he sent me to a dietician/nutritionist to make sure I am eating enough protein.
In June I began with the dietician. I told her from the beginning I did not want a "diet", but to learn how to eat the foods I already eat in the right combinations and amounts. She has helped me make sure I am getting enough protein. I have discovered as whole new world of "meatless" foods like tofu and vegetable protein. I am eating whole grains (which I love) and pretty much have cut out sugar. AND I am losing weight.
I have run into some difficulties. We recently went to a weekend conference where the meals were catered (not in a restaurant), I had signed up for vegetarian meals. Unfortunately most places do not think vegetarians require any type of protein. All I got was vegetables for every meal - no cheese, or nuts, or cottage cheese or yogurt.
For the breakfast buffet I could have scrambled eggs, but nothing else hot. The cereals were all sugar coated and the oatmeal tasted like dishwater. There was some fresh fruit I could eat.
When I go anywhere that there is going to be food of which I will have no choice, I try to bring a "care package" with me that has nuts, dried fruit, fat free salad dressing, a protein bar.
Because of all of my health issues, I am very conscious of getting enough protein. I feel good about having made this choice, which is totally for health reasons. I still prepare the other stuff for my family at times, but they too are learning to eat healthier. And I am hoping that eventually I will have less back pain and lower blood pressure and maybe even get over the sleep apnea.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Trauma of Transparency
Several years ago I read a great book titled, "The Trauma of Transparency" by J. Grant Howard. I bought it because the title intrigued me. I love the word picture it paints.
At that time, my husband and I were involved as leaders of Marriage Enrichment by Dr. Carl Clarke. ME is all about learning to communicate positively and openly. This book is sub titled "A Biblical Approach to Inter-Personal Communication" and I thought it would help me as a ME group leader.
The past three weeks Pastor Del has been preaching about the "AVC's of relationships" and this book came to mind again. The Trauma of Transparency - it is traumatic to open yourself up to anyone.
I will not bore you with the details of the entire book, but I do want to share a couple of things from it.
God created us to be open and honest with each other and with Him. In Genesis 2, it says (Adam and Eve) were naked and not ashamed. They were comfortable with each other. There were no barriers between them. They still had to get to know each other but they were willing and able to do so.
All went well until...Satan enters.
And with Satan came sin. Now in Genesis 3, they disobey God, their eyes are opened and they want to hide. God continually gives them opportunity to be open and honest with Him. He wants a close, intimate relationship with each of us. But they choose to hide. Sin separates and alienates, we hide from God and we hide from one another.
Further along in Genesis 3, we find the man blaming the woman for dragging him into disobedience. Adam went from hiding to hurling. So now he has not only broken his relationship with God, he is ruining his relationship with others (his wife). We hurl by ridiculing, being sarcastic, cutting people down, nitpicking, and a whole variety of ways. We blame others, we blame God, and even blame ourselves.
So our communication broke down back in the Garden. Now we bottle things up (hide) or let things out in wrong, hurtful ways (hurl).
The remainder of the book helps us through Scripture realise how to communicate properly with God and with others.
Pastor Del's authenticity, vulnerability and credibility fit right in with the points made by this author.
I hope this was not too boring today, but it is what I was thinking about so thought I'd share it.
At that time, my husband and I were involved as leaders of Marriage Enrichment by Dr. Carl Clarke. ME is all about learning to communicate positively and openly. This book is sub titled "A Biblical Approach to Inter-Personal Communication" and I thought it would help me as a ME group leader.
The past three weeks Pastor Del has been preaching about the "AVC's of relationships" and this book came to mind again. The Trauma of Transparency - it is traumatic to open yourself up to anyone.
I will not bore you with the details of the entire book, but I do want to share a couple of things from it.
God created us to be open and honest with each other and with Him. In Genesis 2, it says (Adam and Eve) were naked and not ashamed. They were comfortable with each other. There were no barriers between them. They still had to get to know each other but they were willing and able to do so.
All went well until...Satan enters.
And with Satan came sin. Now in Genesis 3, they disobey God, their eyes are opened and they want to hide. God continually gives them opportunity to be open and honest with Him. He wants a close, intimate relationship with each of us. But they choose to hide. Sin separates and alienates, we hide from God and we hide from one another.
Further along in Genesis 3, we find the man blaming the woman for dragging him into disobedience. Adam went from hiding to hurling. So now he has not only broken his relationship with God, he is ruining his relationship with others (his wife). We hurl by ridiculing, being sarcastic, cutting people down, nitpicking, and a whole variety of ways. We blame others, we blame God, and even blame ourselves.
So our communication broke down back in the Garden. Now we bottle things up (hide) or let things out in wrong, hurtful ways (hurl).
The remainder of the book helps us through Scripture realise how to communicate properly with God and with others.
Pastor Del's authenticity, vulnerability and credibility fit right in with the points made by this author.
I hope this was not too boring today, but it is what I was thinking about so thought I'd share it.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
My Thoughts on Worship
(Disclaimer: The following is entirely my own opinion and preferences. It is not intended to criticize or offend. )
What is worship? For me it is entering God's presence to relate to Him in a personal, intimate way. Worship prepares my heart to hear the preaching of His Word. Although at times, it is corporate (at church), it is still a very individual experience for me. It is a time to praise God, for Who He is and for What He has done. It is a time to open my heart and pour out the love I have for Him.
Over the years I have been in many different types of worship services. I have come to realise that there are certain things that enhance my worship and others that detract from it.
On a personal level, whenever I hear Don Moen sing, I am immediately drawn into the Lord's presence. The Holy Spirit works through Don in such a powerful way that I cannot help but to bask in His presence. I commune with the Lord in a deeply personal way.
Several years ago I attended a church that as soon as my car entered the parking lot, I felt God's presence in a profound way. The entire service I was crying because God was real and moving among His people. From the music to the sermon, I was worshipping a very present Lord. I felt Him all around me, encircling me with His arms. Each time I have been able to go back to that church, I experience the same profound presence of the Lord.
There is no magic formula. I know wherever God's people are, He is in their midst. But sometimes I cannot find Him.
When I worship I am focusing on Jesus. I want to commune with Him. Unfortunately when the worship leader begins to sermonize, it takes the focus off of worshipping the Lord and onto the worship leader. I think it is best to leave the sermons to the Pastor. Allow the Holy Spirit to flow and work. Do not force it.
(On a tangential issue - It also bothers me when the words of the songs are posted but no copyright information is displayed, no credit given to the Christian artists who have written these beautiful songs, and deserve the credit and royalties involved)
Worship is one of the most wonderful ways we have of communicating and relating to Jesus. My desire is for deeper worship, focused entirely on Him, Who is worthy of all of our praise.
What is worship? For me it is entering God's presence to relate to Him in a personal, intimate way. Worship prepares my heart to hear the preaching of His Word. Although at times, it is corporate (at church), it is still a very individual experience for me. It is a time to praise God, for Who He is and for What He has done. It is a time to open my heart and pour out the love I have for Him.
Over the years I have been in many different types of worship services. I have come to realise that there are certain things that enhance my worship and others that detract from it.
On a personal level, whenever I hear Don Moen sing, I am immediately drawn into the Lord's presence. The Holy Spirit works through Don in such a powerful way that I cannot help but to bask in His presence. I commune with the Lord in a deeply personal way.
Several years ago I attended a church that as soon as my car entered the parking lot, I felt God's presence in a profound way. The entire service I was crying because God was real and moving among His people. From the music to the sermon, I was worshipping a very present Lord. I felt Him all around me, encircling me with His arms. Each time I have been able to go back to that church, I experience the same profound presence of the Lord.
There is no magic formula. I know wherever God's people are, He is in their midst. But sometimes I cannot find Him.
When I worship I am focusing on Jesus. I want to commune with Him. Unfortunately when the worship leader begins to sermonize, it takes the focus off of worshipping the Lord and onto the worship leader. I think it is best to leave the sermons to the Pastor. Allow the Holy Spirit to flow and work. Do not force it.
(On a tangential issue - It also bothers me when the words of the songs are posted but no copyright information is displayed, no credit given to the Christian artists who have written these beautiful songs, and deserve the credit and royalties involved)
Worship is one of the most wonderful ways we have of communicating and relating to Jesus. My desire is for deeper worship, focused entirely on Him, Who is worthy of all of our praise.
Friday, October 10, 2008
CT Scan results Part 2 : Good News Bad News and TMI
I just got back from the doctor where I discussed the results of my CT scan.
Good News:
On the way in, I met Pastor Chris. She took the time to pray with me before I went in to the office. God is so good!
My blood pressure was 140/60. (the 140 was from being nervous)
Although I have a hiatal hernia (which means the stomach has moved up higher into the esophagus area), it is small. Since it does not bother me, it requires no treatment.
I have arthritis in the thoracic spine area, along with degeneration, but that does not cause me any discomfort. Apparently this is a common problem.
Bad news:
I have spots and growths, as well as calcification throughout the lungs and abdominal area. (Good news: not cancerous growths) . He asked if I had a lot of lung infections as a child (no) or if I have been exposed to tuberculosis in recent years (not that I am aware of). There was a lot of evidence of "granulomatous disease". (From what I can figure out this has something to do with the immune system and not being able to fight off infections easily)
I must see a pulmonary doctor (October 22nd) to follow up on this and see what is going on and what treatment is in order.
Not good/not bad news:
The nodule in my lung is 8mm in size and need a follow up CT scan in three months to make sure it is stabilized and not growing.
He gave me a flu shot while I was there. I have never had one before.
SO there it is. All the way to the doctor I listened to "When I Hear the Thunder"
All the way home I listened to Crystal River singing "It's A Breeze" - the chorus goes like this:
Whatever it is you're facing that brings you to your knees
It might be a storm to you, but to God
It's a Breeze
God will turn your storm into a breeze
Fear not, He is with you, trust and believe
Never get down on your faith
Just get down on your knees
And God will turn your storm into a breeze."
So I am going to trust and believe ...get down on my knees ...and let God turn this storm into a breeze.
I appreciate your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
Good News:
On the way in, I met Pastor Chris. She took the time to pray with me before I went in to the office. God is so good!
My blood pressure was 140/60. (the 140 was from being nervous)
Although I have a hiatal hernia (which means the stomach has moved up higher into the esophagus area), it is small. Since it does not bother me, it requires no treatment.
I have arthritis in the thoracic spine area, along with degeneration, but that does not cause me any discomfort. Apparently this is a common problem.
Bad news:
I have spots and growths, as well as calcification throughout the lungs and abdominal area. (Good news: not cancerous growths) . He asked if I had a lot of lung infections as a child (no) or if I have been exposed to tuberculosis in recent years (not that I am aware of). There was a lot of evidence of "granulomatous disease". (From what I can figure out this has something to do with the immune system and not being able to fight off infections easily)
I must see a pulmonary doctor (October 22nd) to follow up on this and see what is going on and what treatment is in order.
Not good/not bad news:
The nodule in my lung is 8mm in size and need a follow up CT scan in three months to make sure it is stabilized and not growing.
He gave me a flu shot while I was there. I have never had one before.
SO there it is. All the way to the doctor I listened to "When I Hear the Thunder"
All the way home I listened to Crystal River singing "It's A Breeze" - the chorus goes like this:
Whatever it is you're facing that brings you to your knees
It might be a storm to you, but to God
It's a Breeze
God will turn your storm into a breeze
Fear not, He is with you, trust and believe
Never get down on your faith
Just get down on your knees
And God will turn your storm into a breeze."
So I am going to trust and believe ...get down on my knees ...and let God turn this storm into a breeze.
I appreciate your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
CT scan results - Part 1
The doctor's office just called to report the results of the CT scan. I do not really understand most of it, so I am going to see the doctor tomorrow (Friday) to have him explain what it all means. But in the meantime here is what I was told.
I have a hiatal hernia. I have calcification around my trachea. I have arthritis in my spine. I have growths in many areas including my spleen. It is recommended I have another CT scan in three months to make sure all of the growths are stablized.
There was more, but I just could not take it all in. Nothing was mentioned about the nodule in my lung so I need to ask about that tomorrow.
I have been trying to remain positive. As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, - today I heard the thunder and felt like I was going under. But God remains the anchor of my soul . I pray He will give me the strength to bear whatever I have to hear and deal with tomorrow when I see the doctor.
I have a hiatal hernia. I have calcification around my trachea. I have arthritis in my spine. I have growths in many areas including my spleen. It is recommended I have another CT scan in three months to make sure all of the growths are stablized.
There was more, but I just could not take it all in. Nothing was mentioned about the nodule in my lung so I need to ask about that tomorrow.
I have been trying to remain positive. As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, - today I heard the thunder and felt like I was going under. But God remains the anchor of my soul . I pray He will give me the strength to bear whatever I have to hear and deal with tomorrow when I see the doctor.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
When I hear the Thunder
As I have said before I love music - a variety of kinds. I especially love songs that have a message that touches my heart in some way, that I can relate to what I am going through at the moment. The other day I wrote about Don Moen's "I Will Sing". Today it is a southern gospel song, sung by a group of young guys who are called Crossway. This song has some powerful lyrics.
When I Hear the Thunder
Sometimes at night I cry myself to sleep
After everybody else has gone to bed
Knowing once again I've gotten in too deep
And the waters will soon be above my head
And I beg of you to change the world around me
So tomorrow won't be looking quite so dim
And I awake to the waters deep enough to drown me
But through it all you taught me how to swim
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
There are times I can't help feeling lost
Like a ship drifting on the open sea
And the wind and waves leave me pitched and tossed
And a storm begins to build inside of me
And I beg of you to change the world around me
As fear and faith are fighting for control
Amid the raging waters swirling all around me
You've become the anchor for my soul
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
I can so relate to the line "as fear and faith are fighting for control". This rings so true for me the past few months as I have faced many medical issues. I hang on to my faith, but the fear of the unknown, the fear of awaiting test results, wondering what it all will mean, is a constant struggle.
The chorus just plays over and over in my mind ending with "You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances..." (How many times I have prayed for that) "...but thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Amen to that. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. I am much more able to trust the Lord in my situation, knowing He has my best at heart. That no matter what the medical tests and professionals tell me, He is still the Great Physician, my Healer and My comforter. He has "become the anchor of my soul".
"So when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under,
I remember He's the lifter of my head...thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
When I Hear the Thunder
Sometimes at night I cry myself to sleep
After everybody else has gone to bed
Knowing once again I've gotten in too deep
And the waters will soon be above my head
And I beg of you to change the world around me
So tomorrow won't be looking quite so dim
And I awake to the waters deep enough to drown me
But through it all you taught me how to swim
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
There are times I can't help feeling lost
Like a ship drifting on the open sea
And the wind and waves leave me pitched and tossed
And a storm begins to build inside of me
And I beg of you to change the world around me
As fear and faith are fighting for control
Amid the raging waters swirling all around me
You've become the anchor for my soul
Chorus:
And when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under
I remember you're the lifter of my head
You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances
But thank you, Lord, for changing me instead.
I can so relate to the line "as fear and faith are fighting for control". This rings so true for me the past few months as I have faced many medical issues. I hang on to my faith, but the fear of the unknown, the fear of awaiting test results, wondering what it all will mean, is a constant struggle.
The chorus just plays over and over in my mind ending with "You've had a thousand chances to change my circumstances..." (How many times I have prayed for that) "...but thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Amen to that. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. I am much more able to trust the Lord in my situation, knowing He has my best at heart. That no matter what the medical tests and professionals tell me, He is still the Great Physician, my Healer and My comforter. He has "become the anchor of my soul".
"So when I hear the thunder and I think I'm going under,
I remember He's the lifter of my head...thank you, Lord, for changing me instead."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thoughts on the CT scan
A week ago Pastor Del wrote about worries in his blog.
I knew he wrote it just for me. I had been worrying over having to have a CT scan of my lungs and worrying about the runaround trying to get it scheduled. He ended his blog with "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. (Proverbs 12:25)"
I was feeling pretty much weighed down. SO I began to speak encouragement to others. It got my mind off of my situation and allowed me to leave it in God's hands.
Today I finally had my CT scan. I arrived at the center, filled out the paperwork and had the use the ladies room. Good thing, too. I was so nervous that when I got dressed I had put my pants on backwards!!! After I finished laughing at myself, and rearranged my clothes, I was taken to the back.
My technician was friendly and upbeat. She explained that I would be lying on my back, with my feet towards the scanner. The scanner looks like a huge tan tire. At this time it was at the end of the table. She explained that she would be inserting an IV into my vein with the contrast liquid.
I asked what I would experience when it entered my body. Although each person is different , she said most people feel heat going through their body and perhaps a sensation of having to go to the bathroom.
I laid on the table, she propped a pillow under my knees. Then the hardest part of the procedure began - trying to find a vein to use for the IV. Having had to fast, not eating or drinking since 10pm last night, I knew this was going to be difficult. She tried my left arm, nothing looked promising. She tried the right arm and thought she had a good vein. After moving all of the equipment over to my right, when she poked the vein, it collapsed. SO it was back to the left. By this time a second technician had arrived, and they were able to insert the IV into my left arm.
I had to raise my arms over my head, then the table began to move toward the scanner. She left the room and the machine did the rest. It told me when to breathe and when to take a breath and hold it. The actual scan took less than three minutes.
I felt relieved that it was finished. I have to confess something here, though. It is hard for me to have these tests done alone. When I am driving there, I am so nervous. When I am sitting in the waiting room alone, I wish someone was there to hold my hand. I have to keep telling myself I am not alone, Jesus is always with me. But like s child once said, sometimes I need Jesus with skin on. Afterwards, I want someone to hug me and give me a smile of encouragement.
Now I must await the results.
I knew he wrote it just for me. I had been worrying over having to have a CT scan of my lungs and worrying about the runaround trying to get it scheduled. He ended his blog with "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. (Proverbs 12:25)"
I was feeling pretty much weighed down. SO I began to speak encouragement to others. It got my mind off of my situation and allowed me to leave it in God's hands.
Today I finally had my CT scan. I arrived at the center, filled out the paperwork and had the use the ladies room. Good thing, too. I was so nervous that when I got dressed I had put my pants on backwards!!! After I finished laughing at myself, and rearranged my clothes, I was taken to the back.
My technician was friendly and upbeat. She explained that I would be lying on my back, with my feet towards the scanner. The scanner looks like a huge tan tire. At this time it was at the end of the table. She explained that she would be inserting an IV into my vein with the contrast liquid.
I asked what I would experience when it entered my body. Although each person is different , she said most people feel heat going through their body and perhaps a sensation of having to go to the bathroom.
I laid on the table, she propped a pillow under my knees. Then the hardest part of the procedure began - trying to find a vein to use for the IV. Having had to fast, not eating or drinking since 10pm last night, I knew this was going to be difficult. She tried my left arm, nothing looked promising. She tried the right arm and thought she had a good vein. After moving all of the equipment over to my right, when she poked the vein, it collapsed. SO it was back to the left. By this time a second technician had arrived, and they were able to insert the IV into my left arm.
I had to raise my arms over my head, then the table began to move toward the scanner. She left the room and the machine did the rest. It told me when to breathe and when to take a breath and hold it. The actual scan took less than three minutes.
I felt relieved that it was finished. I have to confess something here, though. It is hard for me to have these tests done alone. When I am driving there, I am so nervous. When I am sitting in the waiting room alone, I wish someone was there to hold my hand. I have to keep telling myself I am not alone, Jesus is always with me. But like s child once said, sometimes I need Jesus with skin on. Afterwards, I want someone to hug me and give me a smile of encouragement.
Now I must await the results.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Healing Power of Grandchildren
God sure knew what he was doing when he created grandchildren. Until I had a grandson, I never could understand or appreciated the ravings of my friends when it came to their grandchildren. I have now joined the chorus.
Like most parents I love and enjoy my children. Seeing them grow into the wonderful adults they have become has been a joy as well as a responsibility.
But it did not prepare me for what would happen when my grandson was born. Words are inadequate to describe how my heart burst open in a new and precious way.
He just left after spending a couple of days with us. What a tender-hearted, loving child he is. When I hear that little voice saying, "Grammy", my heart melts within me. The simplest things make him happy. We painted with water, put puzzles together, cut out a kite and stuck it to the fan so it would fly, read his little books, and played charades. The house seems lonely now he has gone.
My pain and health issues did not miraculously disappear when he was here - if anything I hurt more from all of the extra activity. But somehow it was easier to bear when those little arms reach out for a hug, and he says "I love you, Grammy."
Like most parents I love and enjoy my children. Seeing them grow into the wonderful adults they have become has been a joy as well as a responsibility.
But it did not prepare me for what would happen when my grandson was born. Words are inadequate to describe how my heart burst open in a new and precious way.
He just left after spending a couple of days with us. What a tender-hearted, loving child he is. When I hear that little voice saying, "Grammy", my heart melts within me. The simplest things make him happy. We painted with water, put puzzles together, cut out a kite and stuck it to the fan so it would fly, read his little books, and played charades. The house seems lonely now he has gone.
My pain and health issues did not miraculously disappear when he was here - if anything I hurt more from all of the extra activity. But somehow it was easier to bear when those little arms reach out for a hug, and he says "I love you, Grammy."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
America's Got Talent
Last night was the finale of this season's America's Got Talent. I think America got it absolutely right this year.
I watched the entire season, suffering through some painfully awful auditions. But from the very first night, I was captured by Neal E Boyd. He touched my heart by his humble beginnings and his passionate singing. Although I am no opera fan, when he sang Nessun Dorma it brought tears to my eyes.
The next day I visited his website and found out that several years before he contracted a serious vocal infection and was told he might never sing again. But here he was competing on AGT.
He made it through the Las Vegas eliminations, to the top 40, then the top 20, then the top 10 to the final 5. Each time he sang, his powerful voice and emotional humility touched my heart.
There are others I liked on this season's AGT. Nuttin But Stringz blew me away with their original compositions and stunning violin work. This is a group I would definitely love to see in concert - talented and entertaining. I liked them best without all of the background videos and circ de soliel acts. Eli Mattson caught my attention at his audition when he sang "Walking in Memphis". His unique voice and heartfelt piano playing are certainly spectacular.
But when it came right down to voting - Neal always had my vote. There is just something special about him.
The judges were sure Nuttin But Stringz would win. I think that certainty was their doom. People figured they were going to win, so why bother to vote for them.
I think of those top three, Neal needed the win the most. Nuttin But Stringz and Eli Mattson will both make it on their own. They have a contemporary style that will promote their success.
Neal's powerful voice needs a strong backing to promote him. His style is not as contemporary, but oozing with talent and heart.
So I think America got it absolutely right making Neal E Boyd the winner of AGT. I can't wait for his first cd to be released.
I watched the entire season, suffering through some painfully awful auditions. But from the very first night, I was captured by Neal E Boyd. He touched my heart by his humble beginnings and his passionate singing. Although I am no opera fan, when he sang Nessun Dorma it brought tears to my eyes.
The next day I visited his website and found out that several years before he contracted a serious vocal infection and was told he might never sing again. But here he was competing on AGT.
He made it through the Las Vegas eliminations, to the top 40, then the top 20, then the top 10 to the final 5. Each time he sang, his powerful voice and emotional humility touched my heart.
There are others I liked on this season's AGT. Nuttin But Stringz blew me away with their original compositions and stunning violin work. This is a group I would definitely love to see in concert - talented and entertaining. I liked them best without all of the background videos and circ de soliel acts. Eli Mattson caught my attention at his audition when he sang "Walking in Memphis". His unique voice and heartfelt piano playing are certainly spectacular.
But when it came right down to voting - Neal always had my vote. There is just something special about him.
The judges were sure Nuttin But Stringz would win. I think that certainty was their doom. People figured they were going to win, so why bother to vote for them.
I think of those top three, Neal needed the win the most. Nuttin But Stringz and Eli Mattson will both make it on their own. They have a contemporary style that will promote their success.
Neal's powerful voice needs a strong backing to promote him. His style is not as contemporary, but oozing with talent and heart.
So I think America got it absolutely right making Neal E Boyd the winner of AGT. I can't wait for his first cd to be released.
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