Another year is coming to an end. Looking back, it has not been one of my better years. I have dealt with a lot of medical issues. The process has not been enjoyable. But I have learned many lessons, some good, some not so good. I have started recording my thoughts and situation in this blog. I have made some friends and lost some friends. I have come to appreciate things which many take for granted.
I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. But there are some things I hope for in 2009.
I want to spend more time with people I care about ( God, family, friends).
I want to continue to eat healthy and take better care of this body God has given me, by diligently working on the medical issues.
I want to continue to go to the gym and be more active, hopefully bringing some relief to the constant back pain I live with.
I want to continue to be an encouragement and support to others.
I want to be more forgiving and gracious towards others.
I would like to get some projects done around the house.
I want to enjoy life more - to laugh more, to feel happy more of the time, to do things that bring joy to my heart.
I want to give and receive more hugs.
I want to let people know how much they mean to me.
I am sure there are more things I can add to this list, but I will stop there. May 2009 be a joyful, wonderful year for all of us.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Being Invisible
When I was a kid I remember watching "The Invisible Man". In that show, a man was invisible and when he wanted to be seen he had to wrap himself in bandages (sort of like a mummy) and wear clothes over them. At the time, I thought how cool it would be, to be able to be invisible like that.
I do not think that ever since I became invisible. How, you ask, do you become invisible? Let me tell you.
I can be in a room with several other people and their conversation totally ignores me. Either the subject matter is something I am unfamiliar with, so can contribute nothing, or else I am just left out. Like I am not even there - invisible.
I can be working around the house, trying to get things done, and have to work around those who are sitting around, paying no attention. I am taken for granted - invisible.
All of the Christmas preparations magically get completed,by an invisible person - me.
The laundry somehow miraculously gets cleaned and dried on a weekly basis, by an invisible person, me.
If you look at the majority of our family pictures, you will notice an invisible person - me.
The stockings are hung and filled by the chimney with care - all by an invisible person - yet there is rarely one for me, because I am invisible.
Even at family get togethers, I am usually invisible, as others visit at my house.
I do not like being invisible. This year I have been trying to get the bandages wrapped around me as I have struggled with medical issues. I started writing a blog to try and overcome some of my invisibility. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Being invisible is not the fun time I imagined when I was a child watching that man on tv.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Reflections
I am sitting here at the computer, staring out the window at the large flakes of snow gliding to the ground. It has been snowing for about 25 minutes and the driveway, street and cars are already covered. I can enjoy watching the weather without stress - the gifts are bought, the cards are mailed and the groceries are stored in the cupboards. I still have the wrapping to do, but the weather will not impact that.
There is a touch of sadness in my heart, though. Last night the decision was made (by hubby's sister) to put his Dad under the care of hospice. In many ways this is a good thing - we know he will get the care he needs and we know he will be given every opportunity to eat and take his medications. To me, though, it felt too soon for this step to be taken, but I am not the one providing 24 hour care for him. Prior to this, I think we all held a more optimistic outlook, believing there was more time, not less to look forward to. Thus there is a shadow over the upcoming celebrations.
I have been to the gym a few more times. Last night I was able to do the treadmill for 30 minutes, the recumbent bike for 30 minutes and the hand bike for 20 minutes.
The other day when I was doing my at home exercises, I was hurting and hubby asked about my pain. It was muscle pain from going to the gym. He wanted to know how painful was it. I told him compared to what I experience with my back on a regular basis, it was not too bad. But that to someone else, who did not live with pain, it probably would be excruciating. It is all what you are used to. I hope to be able to join the gym after the first of the year, when they will have a special.
My final thoughts are about loneliness. This year has been medically challenging for me. I am feeling much better than I did a y ear ago, but not all the way yet. But in this year, I have grown lonely. Not being able to do as much, I have stayed at home more than going out. My hubby has immersed himself in work and even when he is physically at home, mostly he is upstairs at the computer working. We have frequent meals together, but as soon as he is finished, he is off to work again - this includes evenings and weekends. I can go for days without even talking to anyone. Email is nice, but does not replace conversation. So it has been a lonely year in many ways. Maybe in another blog I will share about being invisible.
There is a touch of sadness in my heart, though. Last night the decision was made (by hubby's sister) to put his Dad under the care of hospice. In many ways this is a good thing - we know he will get the care he needs and we know he will be given every opportunity to eat and take his medications. To me, though, it felt too soon for this step to be taken, but I am not the one providing 24 hour care for him. Prior to this, I think we all held a more optimistic outlook, believing there was more time, not less to look forward to. Thus there is a shadow over the upcoming celebrations.
I have been to the gym a few more times. Last night I was able to do the treadmill for 30 minutes, the recumbent bike for 30 minutes and the hand bike for 20 minutes.
The other day when I was doing my at home exercises, I was hurting and hubby asked about my pain. It was muscle pain from going to the gym. He wanted to know how painful was it. I told him compared to what I experience with my back on a regular basis, it was not too bad. But that to someone else, who did not live with pain, it probably would be excruciating. It is all what you are used to. I hope to be able to join the gym after the first of the year, when they will have a special.
My final thoughts are about loneliness. This year has been medically challenging for me. I am feeling much better than I did a y ear ago, but not all the way yet. But in this year, I have grown lonely. Not being able to do as much, I have stayed at home more than going out. My hubby has immersed himself in work and even when he is physically at home, mostly he is upstairs at the computer working. We have frequent meals together, but as soon as he is finished, he is off to work again - this includes evenings and weekends. I can go for days without even talking to anyone. Email is nice, but does not replace conversation. So it has been a lonely year in many ways. Maybe in another blog I will share about being invisible.
Monday, December 15, 2008
O Christmas Tree...
I know. It is ten days until Christmas. I have been really struggling this season. With all of the health issues I have faced this year, Although I am starting to do a little better, I still just cannot do all that I used to be able to do.
At holiday time, the majority of the preparations are always done by...me. I decorate the house, bake the goodies, decorate the tree, write the annual Christmas letter, post it online and print it out, address and mail the cards, buy all the gifts, wrap all the presents, stuff all the stockings, cook the Christmas dinner and host the family get together, to list just some of what I have always been responsible for.
I came to the realization this year, I just am not up to all of it. And with that realization some of my joy deflated. Because I knew that if I did not do it, it would not get done.
I began listing in my mind what I could cut back on. I will not do any baking of goodies. I will not decorate the house. I will buy less gifts. I had pretty much decided not to write a Christmas letter. Then a lot of people started telling me how they were looking forward to getting the letter. SO that went back on the to do list.
I had even decided that if necessary, we would not have a tree. It is no fun for me to decorate it by myself. I wished in my heart that my grandson could come, like he did last year, and help me decorate it.
All of these thoughts led me to struggle to get into the Christmas spirit. SO I took out my Bible and read the Christmas story in the gospels. My heart began to stir as once again I felt the loving embrace of God's love in sending His beloved Son as a baby that first Christmas, to save me from my sin. As I rose from that place, I was renewed and revived with the reason for the season - Jesus.
My daughter emailed me and asked if she could bring my grandson for part of the weekend. God answered the unspoken prayer in my heart and my grandson helped decorate the tree with me. What a fun time we had.
Now I am catching up with preparing the Christmas letter, making some homemade gifts and addressing the cards. Then onto wrapping presents.
I may not be able to do as much or work as quickly as I used to, but my heart is full of the overwhelming love of God as I prepare for His Son's birth with a renewed joy.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Just the facts
I haven't written about my health of late. I thought it was about time to update what is going on in that area.
I saw my dietician today and am down 2 more pounds. (And that is covering Thanksgiving!)
I mentioned a while ago that I was going to have another sleep apnea test to try out a new machine. My sleep doctor now has a sleep clinic where he wanted me to have the test done. My insurance will not cover it at his place. I have to return to St Mary's hospital, which is where I had them done last March. The test will be on Monday night January 12th.
For the most part, my congestion is still clear. Today I did cough some, but not much.
My friend has given me a free week trial at her gym. I have gone five times already and have three more by the end of the week. The gym is not too far from my house, which is good. Until tonight, I have gone with her each time. It is better having someone with you. We spur each other on to do more things.
With my back pain and problems, I am limited in what I can do at the gym. I have to be careful that I do not worsen my back situation. From physical therapy this past summer, I knew I could do the recumbent bike and the treadmill. Now, mind you, I do not go fast on either one. I keep a nice steady slow pace (about 2 on each). But I can do them for twenty minutes. The treadmill for twenty minutes is a biggie for me. At physical therapy I could only do from 3 to 10 minutes on the treadmill before my leg began to hurt and I had to stop. SO twenty minutes is wonderful.
There is a track which once around is an eighth of a mile. Walking it without having anything to hold onto (like I have on the treadmill) I get about halfway around and my back starts to hurt. After once around I stop and do my backbends, then go for another round. The fact that my back hurts and not my leg is another biggie. One of the goals of physical therapy, they told me, was to get the pain out of my leg and into my back where it belongs. SO the fact that my back and not my leg hurts is great.
I use a machine that works on the lower back and it feels great. Each day I add a little more weight to it.
When I saw my chiropractor on Tuesday I asked him what other equipment I could use that would not negatively impact my back, and he suggested one that strengthens the abdomen. SO I added that one last night. I have also tried the thigh machines.
At the end of the session, my friend and I go into a room and do cool down exercises and use some weights. Unfortunately standing makes my back hurt and I cannot do too much with the weights yet. My dietician suggested strength training with machines where I sit while using them.
Running a marathon is not my goal here. What I want to do is to get moving. I have not been able to walk or stand or do much of anything because of back pain for a long, long time. So just the fact that I can get on these machines and move my muscles is huge for me. I am hoping when my free week is over I can join this gym and go several times a week to keep up the strengthening process.
Now if I could only get some of my Christmas stuff started...
I saw my dietician today and am down 2 more pounds. (And that is covering Thanksgiving!)
I mentioned a while ago that I was going to have another sleep apnea test to try out a new machine. My sleep doctor now has a sleep clinic where he wanted me to have the test done. My insurance will not cover it at his place. I have to return to St Mary's hospital, which is where I had them done last March. The test will be on Monday night January 12th.
For the most part, my congestion is still clear. Today I did cough some, but not much.
My friend has given me a free week trial at her gym. I have gone five times already and have three more by the end of the week. The gym is not too far from my house, which is good. Until tonight, I have gone with her each time. It is better having someone with you. We spur each other on to do more things.
With my back pain and problems, I am limited in what I can do at the gym. I have to be careful that I do not worsen my back situation. From physical therapy this past summer, I knew I could do the recumbent bike and the treadmill. Now, mind you, I do not go fast on either one. I keep a nice steady slow pace (about 2 on each). But I can do them for twenty minutes. The treadmill for twenty minutes is a biggie for me. At physical therapy I could only do from 3 to 10 minutes on the treadmill before my leg began to hurt and I had to stop. SO twenty minutes is wonderful.
There is a track which once around is an eighth of a mile. Walking it without having anything to hold onto (like I have on the treadmill) I get about halfway around and my back starts to hurt. After once around I stop and do my backbends, then go for another round. The fact that my back hurts and not my leg is another biggie. One of the goals of physical therapy, they told me, was to get the pain out of my leg and into my back where it belongs. SO the fact that my back and not my leg hurts is great.
I use a machine that works on the lower back and it feels great. Each day I add a little more weight to it.
When I saw my chiropractor on Tuesday I asked him what other equipment I could use that would not negatively impact my back, and he suggested one that strengthens the abdomen. SO I added that one last night. I have also tried the thigh machines.
At the end of the session, my friend and I go into a room and do cool down exercises and use some weights. Unfortunately standing makes my back hurt and I cannot do too much with the weights yet. My dietician suggested strength training with machines where I sit while using them.
Running a marathon is not my goal here. What I want to do is to get moving. I have not been able to walk or stand or do much of anything because of back pain for a long, long time. So just the fact that I can get on these machines and move my muscles is huge for me. I am hoping when my free week is over I can join this gym and go several times a week to keep up the strengthening process.
Now if I could only get some of my Christmas stuff started...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Why blog anyway?
I haven't blogged here in almost two weeks. This morning I was talking with my hubby about it. For one thing, medically there is not much new right now. I am also feeling like why bother to blog. Does anybody read it? Does anybody really care what I have to say?
I am a person who needs encouragement and motivation. I belong to a website where I write a blog about the common interest of those on the site. I get lots of comments and positive feedback. It encourages me to keep writing.
This blog is different. I tend to share what is on my mind and heart. I open myself up in ways that are not always easy. When it seems like no one reads it, I feel like I have been rejected.
I subscribe to several other blogs. I read each of them. I do not always comment because I want the comments to be real,not just something I make up to let them know I read it. SO I understand that every person who reads my blog will not have a comment every time. But when no one comments, ever, then I wonder if it is worth it.
My hubby pointed out that maybe I should go back to the original purpose of the blog - to update people on my health. I have continued to do that in this blog. But people still ask me how I am doing, when I have just reminded them that it is in the blog. I have isolated one of my relatives who vows she will never ask me again how I am because I asked her to read the blog.
I have written all this as a discussion within myself-pondering where I want to go with this blog thing. Shall I do it for myself and try to overcome my feeling rejected when I feel like no one is reading it? Should I just write about my health and give up introspection and personal sharing? Should I give it up altogether?
If anyone happens to read this and has any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.
I am a person who needs encouragement and motivation. I belong to a website where I write a blog about the common interest of those on the site. I get lots of comments and positive feedback. It encourages me to keep writing.
This blog is different. I tend to share what is on my mind and heart. I open myself up in ways that are not always easy. When it seems like no one reads it, I feel like I have been rejected.
I subscribe to several other blogs. I read each of them. I do not always comment because I want the comments to be real,not just something I make up to let them know I read it. SO I understand that every person who reads my blog will not have a comment every time. But when no one comments, ever, then I wonder if it is worth it.
My hubby pointed out that maybe I should go back to the original purpose of the blog - to update people on my health. I have continued to do that in this blog. But people still ask me how I am doing, when I have just reminded them that it is in the blog. I have isolated one of my relatives who vows she will never ask me again how I am because I asked her to read the blog.
I have written all this as a discussion within myself-pondering where I want to go with this blog thing. Shall I do it for myself and try to overcome my feeling rejected when I feel like no one is reading it? Should I just write about my health and give up introspection and personal sharing? Should I give it up altogether?
If anyone happens to read this and has any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them.
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