WHy Do I Do It?

I was thinking about this yesterday. There is a place I go every day. When I arrive, there are always lots of people there. If I open the door for someone, the reply is always "Thank you." I do the same if someone holds the door for me. Usually when I go to the desk I am greeted with a "Hello" or "How are you today." Other than that, I know no one else there and I speak to no one for the entire 90 to 120 minutes I am there.
House is a TV show we have been watching for several seasons. I TIVO it, and we watch it at our convenience. Right now we are at least a month behind on the shows. On the episode we watched the other night, Dr. House, (for those who are unfamiliar with the show, he has constant, excruciating leg pain, and is a miserable, mean person) was nice. N one could understand it. His fellow doctors and head of hospital finally determined he must be taking heroin (usually he pops handfuls of Vicoden like they were candy). It turns out he
was taking methadone, usually given to addicts to help them get drug free. Taking this completely eradicated his excruciating pain and made him pleasant.
Usually I can in no way relate to the character of Dr House. His nasty comments and rude behaviors are far from how I behave. But in this episode I found myself understanding him in a new way. I, too, live with constant pain. Sometimes it is worse than others, but it is always there. At times it makes me cranky because I feel like I ache all over, not just in my back. Many times I feel like no one really understands what I live with. There are times I just do not feel up to doing things. Whenever I am making plans, I wonder how far I will have to walk, will the seating be comfortable for me. I, too, take Vicoden for my pain, although I only take 2-3 per day at six hour intervals. These dull the pain some, but do not make me pain free. I still get stabbing pain when I walk any distance or stand too long.
Anyway, back to the place I go every day. It is the gym. I do not like going there. It is like torture. I push myself. I sweat like a pig. I use machines to strengthen my arms, legs, back and abs. I walk the treadmill and ride the recumbent bike. Sometimes I have trouble breathing when I do these things. I always have pain. The most difficult task for me is to walk the track. One lap is 1/8 of a mile. When I began, I could barely make it one lap around before I was in terrible pain. Now sometimes I can make two laps before I have to rest my back. One time I actually made it around three times. SO I rest and go another round or two. It is not fun. I would rather not go and put myself through this. But I keep going. Even though I know no one. Even though no one speaks to me. Even though it is painful.
I keep going because I hope in my heart that it is doing me some good. My ultimate goal would be to decrease or eliminate my back pain. I am hoping it is helping my heart. I want to tone up my muscles. And at first it was helping me lose weight. (Unfortunately in the past 5 weeks I have only lost one pound. My dietitian believes I am not eating enough so has told me to increase my calories.)
I could be like Dr House and let my pain make me a miserable, rude person. Instead I have chosen to try and work through the pain, to find a better degree of health and hopefully less pain eventually. That is why I do it.