I joined the gym at the beginning of this year. It is something I never thought I would be able to do, due to my back problems. I go there 6 days a week.
Although I am very limited in what I can do, I work hard at those things I can do.
Today when I got there, I started by trying to walk the track. After 2 sets of 2 laps I had to stop because my back hurt so badly. I went right to the seated back extension machine to try and get some relief.
At 3 I was scheduled for a half hour with my personal trainer, so I had an hour to do cardio before that. Since my back was in pain, I decided the recumbent bike would be the best option. I set it for 40 minutes and off I went. While riding, I looked around.
Although I have been going to the gym for over 5 months, I really do not know anyone there. I spend my time alone, talking to no one.
Today as I was riding, I noticed a man I see there a lot. Every time I see him he is with one of three of four women. Today was no different. I began thinking how lonely it is for me at the gym. I was wishing my hubby could come with me sometime.
When I finished my cardio, I sat and cooled down for a few minutes before my training session. I saw my trainer finishing up with her client. After they were through, the woman she had been training, who I did not know, walked right over to me. She smiled and said, "I just want you to know what a great job you are doing." I must have looked confused because she continued, "I walk in the back and notice how hard you work and the commitment you have. You are really doing well." WOW! What a nice surprise.
Of course, I thanked her for her encouragement, explaining about my limitations. She said we all need encouragement, don't we?
That lonely feeling was gone for those few minutes we spoke. I do not even know her name. I just know she took the time to speak to a stranger and made my day!
I once read a book about God Smiles - little ways God shows us He is smiling at us. This was a God Smile for me. I hope I see that kind woman again and find out her name.
Thank you, Lord, for smiling at me today through her.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Presence, Joy and Heart
This past weekend my hubby took me to the Great Smoky Mountains. But that is not what this blog is about. I only mention it because it was the drive home that inspired this blog.
During the twelve plus hour drive home, we were listening to one of my IPOD playlists. It was a mixed bag of songs of many genres and artists. The majority of songs were by Don Moen (no surprise, huh?) and Regi Stone. There were also several by Geron Davis.
Anyone who knows me well, is aware that these are three of my favorite worship leaders/songwriters. Just listening to their music is ultimate worship for me.
During the drive I came to realize each of them has a different aspect of worship in their style, yet each ministers powerfully creating an atmosphere of worship.
Geron Davis,
who is probably best know for writing "Holy Ground" when he was 18 years old, focuses on the joy of worship. Many of his songs are upbeat, yet speak powerful messages about Who God is and how powerful He is. "My heart is burning, my spirit's yearning to worship You and Your Holy Name"; "In all things, Jesus, You are King"; "Evermore, I will love You, Evermore I will Praise You, Evermore I will glorify the name of the Lord". These are just a few of his worship songs. All bring us into 
the joy of the Lord.
Regi Stone may be the least well known of the three. He is worship leader at Christ Church Nashville. His music reflects his commitment to worship and focuses on the Heart of worship. It is all about surrendering our hearts completely and opening our hearts for the Lord to minister. "How Can I tell You How Much I love you? " O that I may know You, O that I may worship, O that I may bow down at Your feet"; "We love You, Lord, We love YOu, Jesus, For Your arms hold us, Your mercy keeps us." Regi's worship guides us right to the heart of the Lord.
Don Moen records and works for Integrity music. His desire is to usher people into
the Presence of the Lord with his music. I can be listening to his songs or watching him on a DVD and I am immediately transported into God's presence. "Here we are lifting our hands to You"; "I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue"; "Jesus, we lift You on our praises, so every eye can see Your face, Your power and grace, behold You as You really are." Don's heart is for every worshipper to experience the sweet presence of the Lord.
Listening to the songs of these three, all mixed together during this trip, made their focus become clear to me. Each has a love of worship. Each knows the power of worship. Each knows the deep place worship can take us. Through their music they can take us there - each in their own style and focus, yet each very powerful. They help me realize worship can be so much more and I desire that in my life.
During the twelve plus hour drive home, we were listening to one of my IPOD playlists. It was a mixed bag of songs of many genres and artists. The majority of songs were by Don Moen (no surprise, huh?) and Regi Stone. There were also several by Geron Davis.
Anyone who knows me well, is aware that these are three of my favorite worship leaders/songwriters. Just listening to their music is ultimate worship for me.
During the drive I came to realize each of them has a different aspect of worship in their style, yet each ministers powerfully creating an atmosphere of worship.
Geron Davis,
who is probably best know for writing "Holy Ground" when he was 18 years old, focuses on the joy of worship. Many of his songs are upbeat, yet speak powerful messages about Who God is and how powerful He is. "My heart is burning, my spirit's yearning to worship You and Your Holy Name"; "In all things, Jesus, You are King"; "Evermore, I will love You, Evermore I will Praise You, Evermore I will glorify the name of the Lord". These are just a few of his worship songs. All bring us into 
the joy of the Lord.Regi Stone may be the least well known of the three. He is worship leader at Christ Church Nashville. His music reflects his commitment to worship and focuses on the Heart of worship. It is all about surrendering our hearts completely and opening our hearts for the Lord to minister. "How Can I tell You How Much I love you? " O that I may know You, O that I may worship, O that I may bow down at Your feet"; "We love You, Lord, We love YOu, Jesus, For Your arms hold us, Your mercy keeps us." Regi's worship guides us right to the heart of the Lord.
Don Moen records and works for Integrity music. His desire is to usher people into
the Presence of the Lord with his music. I can be listening to his songs or watching him on a DVD and I am immediately transported into God's presence. "Here we are lifting our hands to You"; "I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue"; "Jesus, we lift You on our praises, so every eye can see Your face, Your power and grace, behold You as You really are." Don's heart is for every worshipper to experience the sweet presence of the Lord.Listening to the songs of these three, all mixed together during this trip, made their focus become clear to me. Each has a love of worship. Each knows the power of worship. Each knows the deep place worship can take us. Through their music they can take us there - each in their own style and focus, yet each very powerful. They help me realize worship can be so much more and I desire that in my life.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Changes, DIsappointments and What Should Have Been
Changes:
I saw my dietitian last week. For the past seven weeks, my weight loss has slowed practically to a halt. In the previous month, I lost just one pound. This past three weeks, I lost 1.5 pounds. While I am thankful it was a loss, I was confused as to why it was not more. I have been staying on track with my eating and exercising at the gym more than I have ever been able to do. My dietitian is also confused. Last time she told me to eat more, to lose more. I tried, but I just never could get to the higher end of my calorie range, without going over in my carbs and proteins. I did cut back on my time and exertion at the gym. But apparently this was not doing the trick.
She told me about the zone diet. You have to pick from a list of allowed foods in blocks for each meal. It is based on different percentages of proteins, carbs and fats than I now follow.
I reminded her that from the start I do not want a "diet", I want a lifestyle - to be able to eat the foods I eat, in the right amounts and combinations for the rest of my life. Lifestyle is a whole different mindset than "diet". Diets begin and end. When the diet ends, my mindset is "Okay now I can go back and eat 'normally'" - in other words go back to my bad choices and habits. This is not what I am doing. Yes, I have a goal weight in mind, but it is flexible. But when I get there, I am continuing to eat just the way I eat now. I have come too far and learned too much to go back to old unhealthy habits.
What is great about my dietitian is she understands that, and instead of pushing me onto the zone diet, asked if we could try adjusting my nutritional values to the same percentages as the zone diet, but I would keep eating and tracking as I already do, just with different ranges. That sounded like it would work for me.
My current percentages were protein 30%, fat 20% and carbs 50%. My adjusted rates are protein 30%, fat 30% and carbs 40%.
It has not been too hard to add the additional fat. For the first time in years and years I am using 1% milk instead of fat free. It tastes like cream to me! The harder part is cutting back on the carbs. I rarely eat bread or pasta or rice, due to low carbs to start with. I get most of my carbs from fruits and vegetables. But I am working it out. Although she had told me adding fat should increase the calories, I have not found this to be the case yet. I am still at about the same calorie intake.
She has told me to stay off the scale because I was getting obsessed, weighing myself several times a day. Thus I have no idea if this new plan is working or not. I have to check in with her at the end of this week to let he know how I am doing.
Two things I do notice - I am not as hungry feeling at night and I am sleeping better.
Disappointments:
As I have noted in as previous blog, I am a big fan of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol. They both had finales this week. I am disappointed with both of the winners.
Although I enjoyed Shawn and Mark, in my opinion she was NOT the best dancer.
I did not even watch the American Idol finale because I do not think the final two were the best singers in the competition.
What Should Have Been:
Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinions. SO here are mine. When Danny Gokey was voted off American Idol, it was just wrong. Throughout the compet
ition he was one of the very best singers. He was always on pitch (except for the final note on rock week). He was passionate and creative. HE had a great attitude and personality. From the beginning, it was obvious most of the judges wanted Adam to win. Adam has a good voice when he does not scream. But I began to call him a one trick pony, because I got tired of the screaming week after week. I wondered if the judges arranged it so Danny got eliminated thinking Kris would leave the way open for Adam to win. The rules allow them to do that, to override the voters.
Well, surprise, surprise - I am guessing all of Danny's followers voted for Kris and he won the title. Nothing against Kris, but he should not have won. Danny should have won. That's the way I think it should have been.
Dancing with the Stars - From the beginning Gilles and Cheryl were standouts. Gilles became a wonderful dancer. He was in a league way above all of the other stars. Melissa and Shawn were worthy compe
titors, but he was beyond them in his dancing abilities. He was graceful, passionate and he took on the personality of the dance. His and Cheryl's routines earned them more 30s than in the history of the show. SO why didn't Gilles win the trophy? Did the audience turn it into a popularity contest instead of a dance contest?
Nothing against Shawn, but she should not have that trophy. Gilles should have won Dancing With the Stars. That's the way it should have been.
I saw my dietitian last week. For the past seven weeks, my weight loss has slowed practically to a halt. In the previous month, I lost just one pound. This past three weeks, I lost 1.5 pounds. While I am thankful it was a loss, I was confused as to why it was not more. I have been staying on track with my eating and exercising at the gym more than I have ever been able to do. My dietitian is also confused. Last time she told me to eat more, to lose more. I tried, but I just never could get to the higher end of my calorie range, without going over in my carbs and proteins. I did cut back on my time and exertion at the gym. But apparently this was not doing the trick.
She told me about the zone diet. You have to pick from a list of allowed foods in blocks for each meal. It is based on different percentages of proteins, carbs and fats than I now follow.
I reminded her that from the start I do not want a "diet", I want a lifestyle - to be able to eat the foods I eat, in the right amounts and combinations for the rest of my life. Lifestyle is a whole different mindset than "diet". Diets begin and end. When the diet ends, my mindset is "Okay now I can go back and eat 'normally'" - in other words go back to my bad choices and habits. This is not what I am doing. Yes, I have a goal weight in mind, but it is flexible. But when I get there, I am continuing to eat just the way I eat now. I have come too far and learned too much to go back to old unhealthy habits.
What is great about my dietitian is she understands that, and instead of pushing me onto the zone diet, asked if we could try adjusting my nutritional values to the same percentages as the zone diet, but I would keep eating and tracking as I already do, just with different ranges. That sounded like it would work for me.
My current percentages were protein 30%, fat 20% and carbs 50%. My adjusted rates are protein 30%, fat 30% and carbs 40%.
It has not been too hard to add the additional fat. For the first time in years and years I am using 1% milk instead of fat free. It tastes like cream to me! The harder part is cutting back on the carbs. I rarely eat bread or pasta or rice, due to low carbs to start with. I get most of my carbs from fruits and vegetables. But I am working it out. Although she had told me adding fat should increase the calories, I have not found this to be the case yet. I am still at about the same calorie intake.
She has told me to stay off the scale because I was getting obsessed, weighing myself several times a day. Thus I have no idea if this new plan is working or not. I have to check in with her at the end of this week to let he know how I am doing.
Two things I do notice - I am not as hungry feeling at night and I am sleeping better.
Disappointments:
As I have noted in as previous blog, I am a big fan of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol. They both had finales this week. I am disappointed with both of the winners.
Although I enjoyed Shawn and Mark, in my opinion she was NOT the best dancer.
I did not even watch the American Idol finale because I do not think the final two were the best singers in the competition.
What Should Have Been:
Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinions. SO here are mine. When Danny Gokey was voted off American Idol, it was just wrong. Throughout the compet
ition he was one of the very best singers. He was always on pitch (except for the final note on rock week). He was passionate and creative. HE had a great attitude and personality. From the beginning, it was obvious most of the judges wanted Adam to win. Adam has a good voice when he does not scream. But I began to call him a one trick pony, because I got tired of the screaming week after week. I wondered if the judges arranged it so Danny got eliminated thinking Kris would leave the way open for Adam to win. The rules allow them to do that, to override the voters.Well, surprise, surprise - I am guessing all of Danny's followers voted for Kris and he won the title. Nothing against Kris, but he should not have won. Danny should have won. That's the way I think it should have been.
Dancing with the Stars - From the beginning Gilles and Cheryl were standouts. Gilles became a wonderful dancer. He was in a league way above all of the other stars. Melissa and Shawn were worthy compe
titors, but he was beyond them in his dancing abilities. He was graceful, passionate and he took on the personality of the dance. His and Cheryl's routines earned them more 30s than in the history of the show. SO why didn't Gilles win the trophy? Did the audience turn it into a popularity contest instead of a dance contest?Nothing against Shawn, but she should not have that trophy. Gilles should have won Dancing With the Stars. That's the way it should have been.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mother's Day and Other Thoughts
It has been raining all week. When it rains, my back pain is always much worse - so I have been in a lot of agony. This morning I am sitting here at my computer and the sun is trying to peek out of its hiding place behind all those clouds, but I am not sure, based on the weather reports, it will succeed.
As I was sitting, gazing out the window, a bright red male cardinal flew into our cherry tree, then hopped onto the grass pecking around. What a lovely color contrast of the redness in the green. While he was poking around a lovely blue jay perched on our Adirondack chair, looking around in every direction. Again the color contrast of the deep blue bird with the dull gray chair was so vivid.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. When my hubby's Dad passed away in January, we realized WE are now the older generation in our family. We no longer have our mothers to honor on Mother's Day, except in our memories.
My mother grew up as one of seven children of a migrant farmer in central Tennessee. They were poor but did not know it. When she married, she was uprooted to NJ, where they raised five children of their own, of which I am the oldest.
We did not have a lot but my mother always tried to make things fun. A lot of responsibility fell to me as the oldest, and has left its mark on me as an adult.
I married and we have three children, a wonderful son in law and a beloved grandson. SO tomorrow will be Mother's Day.
From the time I was pretty young, I knew I loved children. When I was in sixth grade I decided my life's profession would to be a teacher. But what I really wanted was to be a mother and have children of my own.
After getting married, I was excited at the prospect of having children. Unfortunately a medical condition made it difficult for me to get pregnant. After five years, we still had no children. I began to wonder if it would ever happen.
One day the smell of coffee (which I drank daily, many cups, and black) made me feel nauseous. I did not really pay any mind to that. It was nearing the end of the school year, and I had plenty to keep me occupied. In June I went for a pregnancy test - and praise the Lord it was positive! Finally I was going to have a baby! What joy filled my heart!
I finished the school year, not telling anyone at school my news, it would be obvious enough when I returned in the fall.
I enjoyed being pregnant. I never felt sick (except at the smell of coffee). I loved feeling the kicking and movements within me. I used to talk and sing to my baby.
In December my water broke the day the baby was due and off we sped to the hospital. The bottom line is I had to have a C-section and our beautiful little girl was born in the early afternoon, weighing 9 pounds, 4 ounces.
Three years later she was joined by a brother (who weighed 11 pounds and 4 ounces) and two years after that another brother (10 pounds, 4 ounces). I became a mother - the best and hardest job I could ever imagine. It is full of love and heartbreak, of challenges and disappointments, of questions and unknowns. The job description includes being a doctor, cook, chauffeur, teacher, pastor, maid, launderer, and so much more.
Being a mother changes your life forever - never did I imagine how much.
SO tomorrow is Mother's Day - and I am thrilled to spend it with the family God has blessed me with.
As I was sitting, gazing out the window, a bright red male cardinal flew into our cherry tree, then hopped onto the grass pecking around. What a lovely color contrast of the redness in the green. While he was poking around a lovely blue jay perched on our Adirondack chair, looking around in every direction. Again the color contrast of the deep blue bird with the dull gray chair was so vivid.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. When my hubby's Dad passed away in January, we realized WE are now the older generation in our family. We no longer have our mothers to honor on Mother's Day, except in our memories.
My mother grew up as one of seven children of a migrant farmer in central Tennessee. They were poor but did not know it. When she married, she was uprooted to NJ, where they raised five children of their own, of which I am the oldest.
We did not have a lot but my mother always tried to make things fun. A lot of responsibility fell to me as the oldest, and has left its mark on me as an adult.
I married and we have three children, a wonderful son in law and a beloved grandson. SO tomorrow will be Mother's Day.
From the time I was pretty young, I knew I loved children. When I was in sixth grade I decided my life's profession would to be a teacher. But what I really wanted was to be a mother and have children of my own.
After getting married, I was excited at the prospect of having children. Unfortunately a medical condition made it difficult for me to get pregnant. After five years, we still had no children. I began to wonder if it would ever happen.
One day the smell of coffee (which I drank daily, many cups, and black) made me feel nauseous. I did not really pay any mind to that. It was nearing the end of the school year, and I had plenty to keep me occupied. In June I went for a pregnancy test - and praise the Lord it was positive! Finally I was going to have a baby! What joy filled my heart!
I finished the school year, not telling anyone at school my news, it would be obvious enough when I returned in the fall.
I enjoyed being pregnant. I never felt sick (except at the smell of coffee). I loved feeling the kicking and movements within me. I used to talk and sing to my baby.
In December my water broke the day the baby was due and off we sped to the hospital. The bottom line is I had to have a C-section and our beautiful little girl was born in the early afternoon, weighing 9 pounds, 4 ounces.
Three years later she was joined by a brother (who weighed 11 pounds and 4 ounces) and two years after that another brother (10 pounds, 4 ounces). I became a mother - the best and hardest job I could ever imagine. It is full of love and heartbreak, of challenges and disappointments, of questions and unknowns. The job description includes being a doctor, cook, chauffeur, teacher, pastor, maid, launderer, and so much more.
Being a mother changes your life forever - never did I imagine how much.
SO tomorrow is Mother's Day - and I am thrilled to spend it with the family God has blessed me with.
Monday, May 4, 2009
WHy Do I Do It?
I was thinking about this yesterday. There is a place I go every day. When I arrive, there are always lots of people there. If I open the door for someone, the reply is always "Thank you." I do the same if someone holds the door for me. Usually when I go to the desk I am greeted with a "Hello" or "How are you today." Other than that, I know no one else there and I speak to no one for the entire 90 to 120 minutes I am there.
House is a TV show we have been watching for several seasons. I TIVO it, and we watch it at our convenience. Right now we are at least a month behind on the shows. On the episode we watched the other night, Dr. House, (for those who are unfamiliar with the show, he has constant, excruciating leg pain, and is a miserable, mean person) was nice. N one could understand it. His fellow doctors and head of hospital finally determined he must be taking heroin (usually he pops handfuls of Vicoden like they were candy). It turns out he
was taking methadone, usually given to addicts to help them get drug free. Taking this completely eradicated his excruciating pain and made him pleasant.
Usually I can in no way relate to the character of Dr House. His nasty comments and rude behaviors are far from how I behave. But in this episode I found myself understanding him in a new way. I, too, live with constant pain. Sometimes it is worse than others, but it is always there. At times it makes me cranky because I feel like I ache all over, not just in my back. Many times I feel like no one really understands what I live with. There are times I just do not feel up to doing things. Whenever I am making plans, I wonder how far I will have to walk, will the seating be comfortable for me. I, too, take Vicoden for my pain, although I only take 2-3 per day at six hour intervals. These dull the pain some, but do not make me pain free. I still get stabbing pain when I walk any distance or stand too long.
Anyway, back to the place I go every day. It is the gym. I do not like going there. It is like torture. I push myself. I sweat like a pig. I use machines to strengthen my arms, legs, back and abs. I walk the treadmill and ride the recumbent bike. Sometimes I have trouble breathing when I do these things. I always have pain. The most difficult task for me is to walk the track. One lap is 1/8 of a mile. When I began, I could barely make it one lap around before I was in terrible pain. Now sometimes I can make two laps before I have to rest my back. One time I actually made it around three times. SO I rest and go another round or two. It is not fun. I would rather not go and put myself through this. But I keep going. Even though I know no one. Even though no one speaks to me. Even though it is painful.
I keep going because I hope in my heart that it is doing me some good. My ultimate goal would be to decrease or eliminate my back pain. I am hoping it is helping my heart. I want to tone up my muscles. And at first it was helping me lose weight. (Unfortunately in the past 5 weeks I have only lost one pound. My dietitian believes I am not eating enough so has told me to increase my calories.)
I could be like Dr House and let my pain make me a miserable, rude person. Instead I have chosen to try and work through the pain, to find a better degree of health and hopefully less pain eventually. That is why I do it.
House is a TV show we have been watching for several seasons. I TIVO it, and we watch it at our convenience. Right now we are at least a month behind on the shows. On the episode we watched the other night, Dr. House, (for those who are unfamiliar with the show, he has constant, excruciating leg pain, and is a miserable, mean person) was nice. N one could understand it. His fellow doctors and head of hospital finally determined he must be taking heroin (usually he pops handfuls of Vicoden like they were candy). It turns out he
was taking methadone, usually given to addicts to help them get drug free. Taking this completely eradicated his excruciating pain and made him pleasant.Usually I can in no way relate to the character of Dr House. His nasty comments and rude behaviors are far from how I behave. But in this episode I found myself understanding him in a new way. I, too, live with constant pain. Sometimes it is worse than others, but it is always there. At times it makes me cranky because I feel like I ache all over, not just in my back. Many times I feel like no one really understands what I live with. There are times I just do not feel up to doing things. Whenever I am making plans, I wonder how far I will have to walk, will the seating be comfortable for me. I, too, take Vicoden for my pain, although I only take 2-3 per day at six hour intervals. These dull the pain some, but do not make me pain free. I still get stabbing pain when I walk any distance or stand too long.
Anyway, back to the place I go every day. It is the gym. I do not like going there. It is like torture. I push myself. I sweat like a pig. I use machines to strengthen my arms, legs, back and abs. I walk the treadmill and ride the recumbent bike. Sometimes I have trouble breathing when I do these things. I always have pain. The most difficult task for me is to walk the track. One lap is 1/8 of a mile. When I began, I could barely make it one lap around before I was in terrible pain. Now sometimes I can make two laps before I have to rest my back. One time I actually made it around three times. SO I rest and go another round or two. It is not fun. I would rather not go and put myself through this. But I keep going. Even though I know no one. Even though no one speaks to me. Even though it is painful.
I keep going because I hope in my heart that it is doing me some good. My ultimate goal would be to decrease or eliminate my back pain. I am hoping it is helping my heart. I want to tone up my muscles. And at first it was helping me lose weight. (Unfortunately in the past 5 weeks I have only lost one pound. My dietitian believes I am not eating enough so has told me to increase my calories.)
I could be like Dr House and let my pain make me a miserable, rude person. Instead I have chosen to try and work through the pain, to find a better degree of health and hopefully less pain eventually. That is why I do it.
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