I am feeling frustrated and a bit discouraged. One year ago I began a journey to healing. I have seen doctors, taken medicine, had tests, started using a sleep machine, gone to physical therapy, had chest xrays, a mammogram and a CT scan, joined the gym, had surgery and began eating healthy. IN addition I have prayed and others have been praying for me.
Some days, I look back and begin to feel like I am making progress. Then I hit another bump in the road - like when I got pneumonia from the surgery anesthesia and when I had to have another sleep test recently.
My hubby asked me this morning how much total weight had I lost. I could not even tell him because the scales at every location I get weighed, weigh differently. Two weeks ago at the dietitian I had lost a total of 67 pounds. But then I had to get weighed at the gym for the "I Lost It At PEAC" program. That scale said I had gained 4 pounds. Then the night of the first Lost It meeting, I had lost another 13 pounds according to a different scale. Yesterday I had my second weigh in for Lost It and I had lost 1.8 pounds from the first weigh in. Today at the gyn doctor I was five pounds lighter than yesterday. Can you understand why I have no idea how much weight I have lost at this point???? (And they all tell me their scale is correct because they have it calibrated! )
The gyn doctor was very happy with my weight loss since our last visit. But when she did the exam, she found blood in my stool. She told me I need to see my regular doctor and to have a colonoscopy. Another bump in the road. I left there feeling discouraged. I was asking myself why, when I have done all that I have this past year to improve my health, are things still going wrong? SO I see my regular doctor tomorrow morning.
Speaking of which, I was supposed to have a follow up CT scan in January. I have been trying for three weeks to get my doctor's office to get me an authorization number so I can schedule it. Maybe tomorrow I can get some action on that too.
Three weeks ago I had a sleep test done. I still have heard nothing from the doctor regarding it. I called the office today and the nurse told me he had ordered my new machine. I told her I knew nothing about that. Why would he do that without discussing it with me?
As you can tell, I am not a happy camper about now. I do not like even the thought of a colonoscopy let alone hearing results from one. And just for once, after a year of hard work, I'd like some good news when I see a doctor.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Super Bowl - my take
I am not a sports fan - never have been, probably never will be.
Every year, though, my hubby tries to get me to watch the Super Bowl. It started with just coming into the room to watch the halftime show. These usually do not impress me. Although I did enjoy Paul McCartney one year.
Gradually it has worked up to watching the entire game. SO last night I found myself watching Super Bowl XLIII.
First I had to figure out who was playing. I saw the little bird head on the side of one team's helmets and had to ask what kind of bird it was - okay, the Arizona Cardinals. Ignorant as I am about sports, the only Cardinals team I had heard of was in baseball, so this was a new revelation to me - a Cardinals football team. Do they even have cardinals in Arizona?
TO me, football looks like a bunch of big guys trying to jump on each other at every opportunity. How many ways can they find to bump, trip and bring each other down?
Some of the guys wear a little towel at their waist - what is that for? One Steeler had a special collar at the back of his neck. Was this a fashion statement?
There were a lot of men out there on the field, but all night I kept hea
ring about Kurt Warner, Kurt Warner, Kurt Warner. Like he was the only one out there. And his team, although they apparently made the game very exciting, did not even win!
I always hear so much hype about the fantastic Super Bowl commercials. How they cost so much money. How they are the best commercials out there. With few exceptions, I was not impressed with the commercials. They are, after all, ads. Some were in poor taste. Some used offensive (to me) language. The etrade babies were cute and a couple of the horse ads (for beer) were cute.
I guess the highlight for me was "the Boss" at halftime. Bruce Springsteen is the same age as I am.
When he was laid back on the stage stretching as the halftime show began, I understood from a personal perspective how hard that is to do. His energy was contagious. He packed into 12 minutes more than I could have hoped for. Classics like 10th Avenue Freeze Out and Born to Run, as well as new ones. Adding a gospel choir for a couple of minutes was a nice touch. How do they synchronize the fireworks to the music like that? Bruce had it all. One of the best halftime shows in my memory.
The last quarter of the game was very exciting. I went out into the kitchen to get some fruit and my husband started screaming for me to come back and watch the replay of the Cardinals taking back the lead. That guy did make a nice run.
I still do not understand when they get penalties for too much aggression or whatever it is called. Isn't that what this game is about? And if the team gets a penalty, how come they end up with the ball?
I watched it until the end. I saw the Steelers win. Both teams apparently played well. But I still do not understand football.
Every year, though, my hubby tries to get me to watch the Super Bowl. It started with just coming into the room to watch the halftime show. These usually do not impress me. Although I did enjoy Paul McCartney one year.
Gradually it has worked up to watching the entire game. SO last night I found myself watching Super Bowl XLIII.
First I had to figure out who was playing. I saw the little bird head on the side of one team's helmets and had to ask what kind of bird it was - okay, the Arizona Cardinals. Ignorant as I am about sports, the only Cardinals team I had heard of was in baseball, so this was a new revelation to me - a Cardinals football team. Do they even have cardinals in Arizona?
TO me, football looks like a bunch of big guys trying to jump on each other at every opportunity. How many ways can they find to bump, trip and bring each other down?
Some of the guys wear a little towel at their waist - what is that for? One Steeler had a special collar at the back of his neck. Was this a fashion statement?
There were a lot of men out there on the field, but all night I kept hea
ring about Kurt Warner, Kurt Warner, Kurt Warner. Like he was the only one out there. And his team, although they apparently made the game very exciting, did not even win!I always hear so much hype about the fantastic Super Bowl commercials. How they cost so much money. How they are the best commercials out there. With few exceptions, I was not impressed with the commercials. They are, after all, ads. Some were in poor taste. Some used offensive (to me) language. The etrade babies were cute and a couple of the horse ads (for beer) were cute.
I guess the highlight for me was "the Boss" at halftime. Bruce Springsteen is the same age as I am.
When he was laid back on the stage stretching as the halftime show began, I understood from a personal perspective how hard that is to do. His energy was contagious. He packed into 12 minutes more than I could have hoped for. Classics like 10th Avenue Freeze Out and Born to Run, as well as new ones. Adding a gospel choir for a couple of minutes was a nice touch. How do they synchronize the fireworks to the music like that? Bruce had it all. One of the best halftime shows in my memory.The last quarter of the game was very exciting. I went out into the kitchen to get some fruit and my husband started screaming for me to come back and watch the replay of the Cardinals taking back the lead. That guy did make a nice run.
I still do not understand when they get penalties for too much aggression or whatever it is called. Isn't that what this game is about? And if the team gets a penalty, how come they end up with the ball?
I watched it until the end. I saw the Steelers win. Both teams apparently played well. But I still do not understand football.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Ice Cube Tray
Yesterday I looked into the freezer, wanting to get ice cubes for my water. My dietitian suggested drinking cold water as a way of boosting the metabolism. When I took out the ice cube box, it was empty. No problem, I thought, I'll just empty a tray of ice cubes into the box. That's when trouble hit, the ice cube tray was already empty. Whoever had used the ice cubes had not bothered to refill it. They had not even removed the tray from the freezer so anyone else would know it was empty and needed to be refilled. This was not a life shattering moment, to say the least. But it did make me think of something.
Sometimes I feel like that ice cube tray. People come and take from me. I also give and give to others. But there comes a point when I am running on empty. All my little sections have been emptied and I need some refilling.
When this happens, sometimes I do not take the tray out of the freezer and I kind of wait around for someone to notice and restore to me some of what I have given to them. This usually is not a good option.
When I turn to the source of my strength, it is then that I am restored. I admit I am empty and need His love and forgiveness to continue on. I turn to Jesus and His Word. If I would only go to Him more often, my tray would never be empty. He has promised us Living Water so we'll never thirst again.
Our church is doing The Truth Project for the next couple of months. Last week something in the lesson really knocked me between the eyes. The question was posed, "Do I live like I know that Jesus is always with me, watching and hearing everything I do and say?" How different would my day to day living be if I realized the full impact of having Jesus always with me?
For one thing, my tray would never be empty.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Pet peeves or things that make me crazy
I got up this morning cranky and in pain. One way to get over that mood, I thought, would be to air some of my pet peeves - things that drive me nuts, aggravate me, or just plain make me crazy.
Before I start, let me say most of these things do not make me angry. They may frustrate me, disappoint me but I never dwell on them for very long. I am also not trying to put anyone down - any examples I give are solely for clarification of what I mean. (And remember I already admitted I feel cranky).
It all started early today. I have severe sleep apnea and use a machine when I sleep. Because of this it takes me a long time to get to sleep. When I get up at night, it can take up to 3 hours for me to get back to sleep. This leads to one of my pet peeves - when the alarm rings at some pre-dawn hour and no one gets up. The alarm gets shut off and the setter of the alarm returns to bed to sleep some more. My sleep is now done. I am not angry, I can certainly understand not wanting to get up for the day at that early hour. But I will no longer be able to get any sleep.
Have you ever been talking to someone on the phone and have them say, "Can you hold on for a minute, I have another call?" Call waiting is another of my pet peeves. It is basically saying this other call is more important than talking to you. TO me it is just rude.
When going out to eat, I do not like it when the wait staff either hovers close by always interrupting or else disappears for hours and cannot be found to refill water glasses or remove finished plates. Something in between would be nice.
Another pet peeve of mine is drivers who honk their horns constantly. The other day I was in traffic. The cars in front of me were all stopped, yet the car behind me kept honking its horn. Where did that person think I was going to go? Fly over the top of those stopped cars? Ram into them maybe, creating a path for him/her?
This leads me to my next pet peeve - impatience. I see this all the time. We live in an instant society. No one wants to wait over three seconds for anything. IF there is more than one person in the grocery line ahead of us, if the cashier is taking too long to ring up the order - everything is rush, rush, rush.
Have you ever seen a driver weaving around, or pull out not paying attention because they were holding their cell phone up to their ear or looking down texting on it? When I drive, my cell phone is off limits. I put it where I can hear it but cannot reach it. I have to pull over if I want to use it.
This next one is kind of unique. This pet peeve is being accused of taking a snapshot in time and getting stuck there. Here is a simple example. Two weeks ago my car was giving me a message that the tire pressure needed to be checked. I asked my husband if he got a chance over the weekend would he check it. The next day he said to me that our son Mike also knew how to do it because he checks his tire pressure all the time so I could ask him. I asked Mike and he pretty much said he was too busy for two days to do it. I was feeling pretty low, as I ask very little of anyone around here. I thought John did not want to do it as he told me to ask Mike, and that Mike was too busy. When I mentioned to John how I felt he said I took a snapshot of him telling me to ask Mike and got stuck there, not moving on to the place that he was still going to try and do it for me. But how was I supposed to know that? The last I heard from him was to ask Mike. It is hard to move on without new information. It seems like this accusation gets handed to me at times when responsibility is getting tossed onto me for something that should be on someone else.
People who do not follow through and do what they say is another pet peeve of mine. I usually give them a long period of time to do what has been promised, even remind them a time or two, then get so frustrated I end up doing it myself.
I used to administer a music copyright license for a non-profit organization I was administrator for. In that capacity I learned the copyright laws and requirements for when groups (including churches) publish or post the song lyrics for people to see when singing. Many groups/churches do not follow these rules, not giving credit to the people who wrote these beautiful songs. It also makes me wonder if they are paying the royalties that these artists deserve.
I could probably go on and on with my pet peeves, but I am going to list only one more. I am feeling better already having gotten all of this out of my system.
Intolerance is my final pet peeve of the day. Jesus said we are to love, not to judge. He said the world will know us as His by how we love one another and that He will do the judging. After all He is the only one qualified to judge.
Before I start, let me say most of these things do not make me angry. They may frustrate me, disappoint me but I never dwell on them for very long. I am also not trying to put anyone down - any examples I give are solely for clarification of what I mean. (And remember I already admitted I feel cranky).
It all started early today. I have severe sleep apnea and use a machine when I sleep. Because of this it takes me a long time to get to sleep. When I get up at night, it can take up to 3 hours for me to get back to sleep. This leads to one of my pet peeves - when the alarm rings at some pre-dawn hour and no one gets up. The alarm gets shut off and the setter of the alarm returns to bed to sleep some more. My sleep is now done. I am not angry, I can certainly understand not wanting to get up for the day at that early hour. But I will no longer be able to get any sleep.
Have you ever been talking to someone on the phone and have them say, "Can you hold on for a minute, I have another call?" Call waiting is another of my pet peeves. It is basically saying this other call is more important than talking to you. TO me it is just rude.
When going out to eat, I do not like it when the wait staff either hovers close by always interrupting or else disappears for hours and cannot be found to refill water glasses or remove finished plates. Something in between would be nice.
Another pet peeve of mine is drivers who honk their horns constantly. The other day I was in traffic. The cars in front of me were all stopped, yet the car behind me kept honking its horn. Where did that person think I was going to go? Fly over the top of those stopped cars? Ram into them maybe, creating a path for him/her?
This leads me to my next pet peeve - impatience. I see this all the time. We live in an instant society. No one wants to wait over three seconds for anything. IF there is more than one person in the grocery line ahead of us, if the cashier is taking too long to ring up the order - everything is rush, rush, rush.
Have you ever seen a driver weaving around, or pull out not paying attention because they were holding their cell phone up to their ear or looking down texting on it? When I drive, my cell phone is off limits. I put it where I can hear it but cannot reach it. I have to pull over if I want to use it.
This next one is kind of unique. This pet peeve is being accused of taking a snapshot in time and getting stuck there. Here is a simple example. Two weeks ago my car was giving me a message that the tire pressure needed to be checked. I asked my husband if he got a chance over the weekend would he check it. The next day he said to me that our son Mike also knew how to do it because he checks his tire pressure all the time so I could ask him. I asked Mike and he pretty much said he was too busy for two days to do it. I was feeling pretty low, as I ask very little of anyone around here. I thought John did not want to do it as he told me to ask Mike, and that Mike was too busy. When I mentioned to John how I felt he said I took a snapshot of him telling me to ask Mike and got stuck there, not moving on to the place that he was still going to try and do it for me. But how was I supposed to know that? The last I heard from him was to ask Mike. It is hard to move on without new information. It seems like this accusation gets handed to me at times when responsibility is getting tossed onto me for something that should be on someone else.
People who do not follow through and do what they say is another pet peeve of mine. I usually give them a long period of time to do what has been promised, even remind them a time or two, then get so frustrated I end up doing it myself.
I used to administer a music copyright license for a non-profit organization I was administrator for. In that capacity I learned the copyright laws and requirements for when groups (including churches) publish or post the song lyrics for people to see when singing. Many groups/churches do not follow these rules, not giving credit to the people who wrote these beautiful songs. It also makes me wonder if they are paying the royalties that these artists deserve.
I could probably go on and on with my pet peeves, but I am going to list only one more. I am feeling better already having gotten all of this out of my system.
Intolerance is my final pet peeve of the day. Jesus said we are to love, not to judge. He said the world will know us as His by how we love one another and that He will do the judging. After all He is the only one qualified to judge.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Beginning Again
It has been over 3 weeks since I blogged. I want to thank those of you who have been asking. Since I deleted the one blog, I have been seriously asking myself is it worth putting myself out there in this fashion, leaving myself open to hurt. I have adjusted the process by which people can comment on this blog.
In seeking whether to continue or not, a friend suggested to me that maybe the blog is not just for me, but is also a ministry to others who are struggling with their walk of faith. I had never thought of it from that perspective. After all it is subtitled, "My life, such as it is" - which is all about me.
SO here I am writing again. Admittedly I am nervous, not wanting to be subject to what happened before.
Since I last wrote, my two sons have celebrated their birthdays. Those occasions cased me to wonder how I can have children that old? My sweet grandson has lost TWO teeth. My son in law's job has been eliminated. My daughter is concerned because they have let people go at her office.
I had another sleep test. I have not heard from the doctor, although the test was 11 days ago. The technician did tell me 1) my sleep mask is too small; 2) he kept my oxygen levels in the 90% range all night and 3) he had the machine pressure up to 19/12 to keep me breathing (my machine at home is set at 17/11)
I joined the gym and have signed up for one of its programs called "I Lost It At PEAC" - a combination weight loss and work out program. It begins next week for two months.
At the gym I have been increasing my levels and times on the treadmill and recumbent bike - today I burned a total of 375 calories on them combined - big for me. I have increased the weights on the arm, thigh, crunch and back machines. Walking the track is still painful for my back, but one day I actually walked a total of 8 laps (not consecutively) which totals a mile.
John's car is still apart in the garage, so many days he uses mine and I am at home.
That about catches us up. Except to say I am looking for shorts today because the temperature has gone up to almost 50 from in the low 20s for quite a while.
In seeking whether to continue or not, a friend suggested to me that maybe the blog is not just for me, but is also a ministry to others who are struggling with their walk of faith. I had never thought of it from that perspective. After all it is subtitled, "My life, such as it is" - which is all about me.
SO here I am writing again. Admittedly I am nervous, not wanting to be subject to what happened before.
Since I last wrote, my two sons have celebrated their birthdays. Those occasions cased me to wonder how I can have children that old? My sweet grandson has lost TWO teeth. My son in law's job has been eliminated. My daughter is concerned because they have let people go at her office.
I had another sleep test. I have not heard from the doctor, although the test was 11 days ago. The technician did tell me 1) my sleep mask is too small; 2) he kept my oxygen levels in the 90% range all night and 3) he had the machine pressure up to 19/12 to keep me breathing (my machine at home is set at 17/11)
I joined the gym and have signed up for one of its programs called "I Lost It At PEAC" - a combination weight loss and work out program. It begins next week for two months.
At the gym I have been increasing my levels and times on the treadmill and recumbent bike - today I burned a total of 375 calories on them combined - big for me. I have increased the weights on the arm, thigh, crunch and back machines. Walking the track is still painful for my back, but one day I actually walked a total of 8 laps (not consecutively) which totals a mile.
John's car is still apart in the garage, so many days he uses mine and I am at home.
That about catches us up. Except to say I am looking for shorts today because the temperature has gone up to almost 50 from in the low 20s for quite a while.
Friday, January 9, 2009
The blessing and curse of being emotional
I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply. It is part of what makes me the person I am.
I have removed my previous post. It was written in the midst of an extremely emotional time - the passing and funeral of my husband's dear father. Everyone's emotions were on edge.
IN the height of my own emotional pain, I said some unkind things about others. I am truly sorry and apologize for that. Just because I was hurting, did not give me the right to speak badly of anyone else. There are two sides to every story. I was wrong to present my case in that forum. Please forgive me.
We are all grieving in our own ways. Support and encouragement are what we all need right now - Not harsh words and accusations.
I humbly apologize and ask forgiveness for my words and attitude.
I have removed my previous post. It was written in the midst of an extremely emotional time - the passing and funeral of my husband's dear father. Everyone's emotions were on edge.
IN the height of my own emotional pain, I said some unkind things about others. I am truly sorry and apologize for that. Just because I was hurting, did not give me the right to speak badly of anyone else. There are two sides to every story. I was wrong to present my case in that forum. Please forgive me.
We are all grieving in our own ways. Support and encouragement are what we all need right now - Not harsh words and accusations.
I humbly apologize and ask forgiveness for my words and attitude.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
My Tribute
We just got the call. It was a call we did not want, but had been expecting. My father-in-law has passed away.
He lived over 85 years. I think he would have said he had a good life.
He was one of 7 children. He served in World War II. He married and had four children of his own. He was blessed with 10 grandchildren (one is by marriage). He lived to see one great grandchild. His family was important to him.
He worked as produce manager at A&P until retirement. He loved to travel, visiting, China, Jerusalem and , of course, Ireland among other places.
He enjoyed watching sports and had his favorite teams. He loved tinkering and doing little projects around the house. Gardening was one of his most enjoyed hobbies.
He was a quiet, soft spoken man. He showed caring to those around him. He relaxed with a cup of tea. He was a generous man. He lived simply, without a lot of stuff and gadgets. He liked to listen to music.
We will miss him. Our lives will not be quite as rich without him. In our hearts we will treasure our memories of him, with him. Father's Day will now take on a different meaning.
I pay tribute to my father-in-law. We loved you and you loved us. What else can I say?
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